A 60-year-old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom.
She opened the door and discovered her 40-year-old daughter playing with her
vibrator. “What are you doing?” asked the Mom.
“Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married,
so this is pretty much my husband.”
The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon
entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. “What the hell are you
doing?” he asked.
His daughter replied, “I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I
will never get married so this is as close as I’ll ever get to a husband.”
The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.
The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand
and the vibrator sitting next to him, watching the football game.
“For Christ’s sake, what are you doing?” she cried.
The husband replied, “What does it look like I’m doing? I’m having a beer and
watching the game with my new son-in-law!”
Author: admin
Leaves
Q:What do you call a guy with no legs in leaves?
A:Russle!
Teachers jokes
Q. why did the teacher have to were sunglasses in school?
A. because the students were so bright.
Biology Test
Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, “Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it’s normal size, and state the conditions.”
Mary gasped and said in a huff, “Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!” She sat down, red-faced.
“Susan, can you tell me the answer?” asked Mr. Baldwin.
“The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions,” said Susan.
“Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you.
First, you have not studied your lesson.
Second, you have a dirty mind.
And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!”
Brunette’s Mating Call
Q: What’s a brunette’s mating call?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?
A3: “All the blondes have gone home!”
Did you hear
Did you hear that Captain Hook died from jock itch?
An elderly couple was driving cross-country,…
An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.
She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer says, “Ma’am,
did you know you were speeding?”
The woman turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?” The old man yells, “HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING.”
The patrolman says, “May I see your license?” The woman turns to her
husband and asks, “What did he say?” The old man yells, “HE WANTS TO
SEE YOUR LICENSE.” The woman gives him her license.
The patrolman says, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had.”
The woman turns to her husband and asks,” What did he say?”
“HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU,” the old man yells.
Gates Dies
The year is 2050 and Bill Gates has recently died. He goes
to God and God says to him,” Would you like to go to Heaven or
Hell?” Bill isn’t sure so he asks for a preview of both. First
God takes him to Hell. Bill sees fancy cars, piles of money,
and naked Playboy models. Then God takes him to Heaven. All
Bill sees are fat, naked babies with wings floating around.
Bill decides to go to Hell. God says he will check on him in a
week. A week later, God goes to Hell and finds Bill burning
under the Devil’s torch. Bill says to God,” Where are the cars,
money, and women?” God replies,” That was just a screen saver!”
Recount Demanded by New York Mets
RECOUNT DEMANDED BY METS
NEW YORK (AP) –The New York Mets announced today that they are going to court to get an additional inning added to the end of Game 5 of the World Series. The batting, pitching, and bench coaches for the Mets held a press conference earlier today. They were joined by members of the Major League Players Union. “We meant to hit those pitches from the Yankee pitchers,” said the Mets batting coach. “We were confused by the irregularities of the pitches we received and believe we have been denied our right to hit.”
One claim specifically noted that a small percentage of the Mets batters had intended to swing at fast balls, but actually swung at curve balls. It was clear that these batters never intended to swing at curve balls, though a much higher percentage were not confused by the pitches. Reporters at the press conference pointed out that the Mets had extensively reviewed film of the Yankees pitchers prior to the World Series and had in fact faced the Yankees in inter-league play earlier in the year.
“The fact remains that some of the pitches confused us and denied us of our right to hit,” said the Mets batting coach.
“The World Series is not over yet and the Yankees are celebrating prematurely. “Major League Baseball has reviewed the telecast of all the World Series games and recounted the balls and strikes called by the umpires of each game. “While some of the strikes called against the Mets were, in fact, balls, there were not enough of them to change the outcome of the World Series,” the commissioner said. Another portion of the Mets legal claim stated that, based on on-base percentage, the Mets had actually won the World Series, regardless of the final scores of the games.
“It’s clear that we were on-base slightly more often than the Yankees,” said a Mets spokesman. “The World Series crown is rightly ours. “The manager of the Mets has remained in relative seclusion, engaging in some light jogging for exercise. He has stated that he believes “we need to let the process run its course without a rush to judgment.”
Hooker and bungee jumps
Whats the difference between a hooker and a bungee jump?
They are both fast, fun, and if the rubber breaks you are dead.
This bloke in a bar spots a lovely blonde…
This bloke in a bar spots a lovely blonde lady coming out of the female toilets,
he’s a bit piss and thought he may as well have a go at her.
Bloke:I want to kiss you all over.
Lady: Go away I’ve got a boyfriend.
Bloke: I also want fuck your brains out, com on your tits and fill you pussy
up with beer and drink it with a straw.
The lady was furious after being spoken to like that and she runs over to the
bar where her boyfriend is sitting.
The bloke sees that she’s run over to this huge bikey and he realizes he’s
going to die.
The lady begins telling her boyfriend about the incident.
Lady: That guy over there said he wanted to kiss me all over.
Bikey: He said what!
Lady: That’s not it then he said he wanted to fuck my brains out.
Bikey: He’s dead, I’m gonna kill him
Lady: That’s not it, then he said he wanted to cum on my tits.
The Bikey slams his beer on the table and stood up ready to kill.
Lady: There’s more.
Bikey: More?
Lady: Then he said he wanted to fill my pussy up with beer
and drink it with a straw.
After hearing that the Bikey sits back down and quietly has
another sip of his beer.
Lady: What aren’t you gonna kill him?
Bikey: No! Any man that can drink that much beer is a better man than I.
Just idle conversation…
A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.
He turns to bartender and says, “Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress .
..”
“STOP pal – I don’t allow talk about politics in my bar!” interrupted the
bartender.
A few minutes later the guy tried again, “People say about the
Pope …”
“NO religion talk, either,” the bartender cuts in.
One more try to break the boredom…” I thought the Yankees would…”
“NO sports talk…That’s how fights start in bars!” the barman said.
“Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?”
“Sure, that we can talk about”, replies the barkeep.
“GREAT… GO SCREW YOURSELF!”