A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. He offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.When the guest finally was able to speak, he gasped, “I’ve heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I’ve met who passed out a sample of it.”
Author: admin
The Kennedys
Did you hear there is a new movie out about the Kennedys?
It’s called Three Funerals and a Wedding.
Bolub’s Fourth Law of Computerdom:
Bolub’s Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.
We have yet to meet a kid stupid enough to…
We have yet to meet a kid stupid enough to show pictures of his
grandparents to total strangers on a bus, let alone repeat the clever
things they say.
– Sam Levenson
Counting Sheep
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.”Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.” “Have you tried counting sheep?””That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
Keep Daddy Thin
One night, a young boy heard noises from his parent’s bedroom.
It was hard for him, but he went back to sleep. The next night
he heard the same noises, but once again fell back asleep.
Finally, on the third day that he was woken up by his parents,
he decides to see what the heck they are doing.
So he walks up to his parents room, and sees his mother on top
of his father. She is moving up and down on top of him, and they
both are making grunting noises. He has no idea what is going
on, and decides to go back to bed.
The next morning the boy tells his mother about how they woke
him up, and what he saw when he went to see what they were
doing. Finally, he asks what was going on. His mother decides he
is too young to learn about sex, so she tells him that since his
father is getting old and fat, she has to jump on top on him to
keep him thin.
“But mommy,” the boy exclaims, “That won’t work, cause everyday
when you go to work, the next door neighboor comes over and
blows him back up!”
Work may be the crabgrass
Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the water that keeps it green.
Oklahoma
why do pigeons fly upside down in oklahoma??
cause there aint nothing worth shiten on there
Woman Catching a Fly Ball
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even
considering if there is a man on base.
–Dave Barry
Walk up the Beam of Light
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all working as spies
for the UK Government during the cold war when they’re captured
by the Ruskies.
Several years pass and the Russian prison starts to get a bit
full, and the oppurtunity arises for an exchange of prisoners.
The Russians talk and decide not to release anyone too high an
IQ and so come up with a simple test in order to decide who they
should release.
Now the cells the three guys are basically pits with high walls
and a door at the top to allow food to be thrown in and/or a
ladder to be lowered. So the Ruskies go along to the Englishmans
cell and shine a torch down to him. “Walk up the beam of light
and you can go free English!”
“FUCK OFF YOU RUSSIAN BASTARDS! I’M NOT JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! I
CAN’T WALK UP A BEAM OF LIGHT!”
The russians leave and go to the Scotsmans cell and shine the
torch down to him. “Walk up the beam of light and you can go
free!”
“OCH! GAN BOIL YE HEID, YA RUSSIAN WANKERS! I CANNY WARK UP NAE
BEAM A FOCKING LIGHT!”
So the russians go to the Irishmans cell and shine the torch
down to him. “Walk up the beam of light and you can go free!”
“YA CAN’T FOOL ME YOU BASTARDS! YOU’LL TURN IT OFF WHEN I’M HALF
WAY UP!”
A roving reporter from the
A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of the
Scottish Highlands looking for material for a documentary about
the way of life there.
REPORTER:
Hello there, excuse me, I’m from the BBC and I’m gathering
material for a documentary about the way of life in the
remote parts of the Scottish Highlands. You look like an
interesting fellow, perhaps I could interview you?
SCOTSMAN:
Certainly…
REPORTER:
Well, perhaps you could start by telling me your name?
SCOTSMAN:
Well now there’s a story. Y’know I deliver the mail round
here, but do they call me Donald the Postman? No they don’t.
You see those fine crofts up on the hill there, well, I built
more than half of them myself, but do they call me Donald
the Croftbuilder? No, they don’t.
And did you pass the nets down in the harbour? Well, I made
several of them, but do they call me Donald the Netmaker? No,
they don’t.
But, I tell you, a moment’s weakness with just ONE sheep ….
Things are getting so bad
Things are getting so bad that 60 minutes is investigating 20/20.