Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they’re on the train they can tell if they’re going to work or coming home.
Author: admin
All Out of Anaesthet
A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled. He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient’s butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction. It all happened in an instant. The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth. Afterwards, the dentist asked, “Hurt much?”The patient hesitated, “Didn’t hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!”
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails?A: Because when his term is through, he won’t be going to school.
Crap,shutup,and manners
there were three guys riding in a car. all of thier names were crap,shutup,and manners.
they all got out of the car and crap got out and trip over a rock and manners stayed with him while shutup went looking for help.
finally he found a cop and the cop said what is your name son and he said shutup.and then the cop said what is yer name son on last time.and then he said shutup. then the cop said were is yer manners and then he said down the road picking up crap.
10 Signs Santa Doesn’t Like Your Kid
1. Kid’s letter to North Pole comes back stamped, “Dream on!”
2. Kid asks for new bike, but gets a packet of cigarettes.
3. Along with presents, Santa leaves a hefty bill for shipping
and handling.
4. By the time he gets to your house, all he has are styrofoam
peanuts.
5. Christmas Day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his
bead.
6. Instead of “naughty” or “nice”, Santa has him/her on the
“dork” list.
7. Sends him/her off on one of those Carnival Cruises with Kathie
Lee.
8. First words when kid gets on his lap are, “Touch my beard,
and I’ll put the hurt on you!”
9. Label on all kids toys read, “Straight from Craptown.”
10. Four words: “Off my lap Tubby!”
Administratium
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no
protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0.
However it does have:
1 neutron.
125 assistant neutrons
75 vice-neutrons
111 assistant vice-neutrons
This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held
together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of
meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it
can be detected chemically as it impedes every action with which
it comes in contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount
of Administratium causes one reaction to take four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years,
at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and
assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown
that atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities, and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how. Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
Shrimp
A man walks into a whore house to relieve himself and tells the
pimp “I want the best whore in the house”. The pimp says “then
go to the fourth floor”. So the man goes to the fourth floor and
when he enters the room he notices that the whore is in the
bathroom and there is a platter of shrimp on a taple. He starts
eating them and when the whore comes out she takes one look at
him and screams then jumps out the window. So he goes to the
pimp again and asks for his second best whore. The pimp says to
go to the third floor. So he goes up to the third floor and he
notices that the whore is in the bathroom and there is a platter
of shrimp on the table. So he starts eating them but when the
whore comes out she takes one look at him and then jumps out the
window. So he goes back to the pimp and asks for his third best
whore. The pimp says to go to the second floor. So when he
reaches the second floor he sees that the whore is in the
bathroom and again there is a platter of shrimp on the table. So
he starts eating them but when the whore comes out she screams
and right before she jumps out the window he grabs her and asks
“Why are all of you jumping out of the window when you see me”?
She then says “because you’re eating last months abortions!”.
Men and their tools!
Hammer – In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one’s enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
Screwdriver – The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver – The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers – A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
Multi-Pliers – Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in it’s leather sheath and worn on a homeowner’s belt to increase testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder – An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
Halogen Light – A work light that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you’re working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.
Cordless Drill – A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
Cordless Telephone – The handyman’s 911.
Air Compressor – A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-law’s nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.
Chainsaw – Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.
Dog Rules
Dog Rules…
1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
A woman telephoned a veterinarian and asked…
A woman telephoned a veterinarian and asked him to come examine her cat.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with her,” the woman told him. “She
looks
as if she’s going to have kittens, but that’s impossible. She’s never
been out of the house except for when I had her on a leash.”
The vet examined the cat and said there was no question about her
pregnancy.
“But she can’t be,” protested the woman. “It’s impossible.”
At that point a large tom cat emerged from under the sofa.
“How about him?” asked the vet.
“Don’t be silly,” answered the woman. “That’s her brother.”
Actual Newspaper Ads
The following ads acutally appeared in newspapers:
ILLITERATE ? Write today for free help.
AUTO REPAIR SERVICE. Free pick up and delivery. Try us once, you will never go anywhere again.
DOG FOR SALE Eats anything and is fond of children
STOCK UP AND SAVE. Limit: one.
SEMI ANNUAL AFTER XMAS SALE
DINNER SPECIAL. Turkey $3.25; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
FOR SALE: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
GREAT DAMES for sale.
TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF? Let me do it
FOR RENT: 6 room hated apartment
WANTED: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink
OUR BIKINIS ARE EXCITING. They are simply the tops.
AND NOW, the superstore unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
WE WILL OIL your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1
Frog and rat in bar
A guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender he has no money, but in
exchange for a beer he’ll show him a trick he’ll never forget.
The bartender shakes his head but goes ahead and gives the man a beer.
The guy takes a rat out of one pocket and a frog out of another. The rat
scurries over to the bar’s piano and plays a tune.
The frog belts out the song in perfect harmony with the rat are piano playing.
A few minutes later another man walks over and offers the customer $100 for
the frog. He instantly accepts, and gives the other mans the frog.
“Are you nuts?” the bartender asks. “That frog could be worth a fortune to
you.”
“Don’t be so sure,” the customer says. “The rat’s a ventriloquist.”