How Do You Kill A Blonde? Put a scratch-n-sniff at the bottom of a pool.
Author: admin
Sh#!
S*** is a powerful word. just think of all the concepts and ideas you can
communicate with it. s*** may just be the most powerful word in the english
language….
consider this: you can be s*** faced, be s*** out of luck or
have s*** for brains. with a little effort you can get your s*** together, find
a place for your s*** or decide to s*** or get off the pot. you can smoke s***,
buy s***, sell s***, lose s***, find s***, forget s*** and tell others to eat
s*** and die. you can s*** or go blind, have a s*** fit or just s*** your life
away.
people can be s*** headed, s*** brained, s*** blinded and s*** over.
some people know their s*** while others can’t tell the difference between s***
and shineola. there are lucky s****, dumb s****, crazy s**** and sweet s****.
there is bull s***, and horse s*** and chicken s***. you can throw s***, sling
s***, and catch s*** or duck when the s*** hits the fan. you can take a s***,
give a s*** or serve s*** on a shingle. you can find yourself in deep s***, or
be happier than a pig in s***.
some days are colder than s***, some days are hotter than s*** and some days
are just plain s*****. some music sounds like s***, things can look like s***
and there are times when you feel like s***. you can have too much s***, not
enough s***, the right s***, the wrong s*** or a lot of weird s***. you can
carry s***, have a mountain of s***, or find yourself up s*** creek without a
paddle.
sometimes you really need this s*** and sometimes you don’t want any
s*** at all. sometimes everything you touch turns to s*** and other times you
swim in a lake of s*** and come out smelling like a rose. s***! when you stop to
consider all the facts, it’s the basic building block of creation. and remember,
once you know you�re s***, you don’t need to know anything else.
getting weighed
joe took his blind date to the carnival. “what would you like to do first,
kim?” asked joe.
i want to get weighed,” she said. they ambled over to the weight guesser. he
guessed 120 pounds. she got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
next, the couple went on the ferris wheel. when the ride was over, joe again
asked kim what she would like to do.
“i want to get weighed,” she said.
back to the weight guesser they went. since they had been there before, he
guessed her correct weight, and joe lost his dollar.
the couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. “i
want to get weighed,” she responded.
by this time, joe figured she was really weird and took her home early,
dropping her off with a handshake.
her roommate, laura, asked her about the blind date, “how’d it go?”
kim responded, “oh, waura, it was wousy.”
Abstract
What’s the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
People born in 1982…
Just in case you weren’t feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mind set of this year’s incoming freshman.
Here is this year’s list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1982.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday, 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
There has been only one Pope.
They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
They have never feared a nuclear war.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
The expression (you sound like a broken record) means nothing to them.
They have never owned a record player.
They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.
They have always had cable.
There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control, let alone one with a cord.
They don’t know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the ‘Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up’ commercial.
Feeling old Yet? There’s more:
They were born the year that the Walkman was introduced by Sony.
Roller skating has always meant inline for them.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They have never seen Larry Bird play.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War.
They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
They can’t imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don’t know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: ‘Where’s the beef?’, ‘I’d walk a mile for a Camel,’ or ‘De plane, de plane!’.
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J.R. was.
The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not rock bands.
McDonalds never came in styrofoam containers.
There has always been MTV.
They don’t have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Q: How many New
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
Un hombre se acerca al
Un hombre se acerca al consultorio de un doctor para ver que le recetaba para la calvicie y el m�dico le dice que ha desarrollado un nuevo metodo para combatir la calvicie. El hombre muy interesado le pregunta que cual es y el doctor le contesta que para que le salgan pelos en la cabeza tiene que restregarla en los genitales de una mujer.
El hombre, no muy convencido, acepta someterse al tratamiento, pero antes de irse nota que el medico tambi�n era clavo y muy enojado le dice al m�dico:
“Usted me quiere enga�ar, me est� recetando un remedio para la calvicie y usted es tambi�n calvo. �C�mo voy a confiar en su tratamiento?”
Y el m�dico le responde:
“Un momento, es cierto que soy calvo, �pero mire qu� barba de candado!”
The one who says it
The one who says it can’t be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
Jungle Poker
Q: Why don’t the monkeys in the jungle play poker any more?
A: There are just too many Cheetahs
School Daze
One day a nursery school teacher says to the class, “Who can
use the word DEFINITELY in a sentence?
A little girl jumps up and says… “The sky is definitely
blue!” The teacher
replies, “Oh Sorry Amy, but the sky can
also be gray, or orange…”
A little boy quickly says…”Trees are definitely green!”
Teacher replies,
“Oh Sorry Michael, but in the autumn the
trees change color…”
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and shouts,
“Does a fart have lumps?”
The teacher looks horrified and says, “Johnny! Of course
not!!!”
“Then I have DEFINITELY shit my pants!”
Definition of a hemorrhoid
Definition: Anyone that is a pain in the butt.
Un nuevo rico hab�a enviado
Un nuevo rico hab�a enviado a su hijo peque�o a Viena para que le ense�aran a tocar el viol�n.
Cuando el hijo regresa, a los dos a�os, le pide a un amigo mel�mano que lo escuche y d� su opini�n. As� lo hacen y despu�s de que el ni�o ha tocado el viol�n, el padre pregunta al amigo:
“�Qu� te parece la ejecuci�n?”
“Hombre, un poco fuerte. Yo creo que dos bofetadas ser�an suficiente”.
People will believe anything if
People will believe anything if you whisper it.