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Dos rancheros platican de sus

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Dos rancheros platican de sus labores diarias:

“Estoy a punto de vender todas mis marranas, porque por m�s que les he puesto los mejores sementales, no se han pre�ado”.

“Lo que pasa es que te ha fallado la t�ctica, compadre. Mira, yo tengo una que no falla: muy de madrugada, a eso de las 4 de la ma�ana, las llevas en tu camioneta a la sierra y all� te las fornicas; luego, las traes de regreso a la granja. Cerca del mediod�a revisas lo siguiente: si est�n en el sol, es que ya est�n listas para que un semental las monte, pero si est�n en la sombra, es que no fue efectivo el remedio, por lo que tendr�s que repetirlo hasta que las halles en el sol”.

Muy emocionado, el primer ranchero decide poner en pr�ctica el consejo de su amigo, por lo que al d�a siguiente, muy temprano, se llev� a sus marranas a la sierra. Cerca de las 10 a.m. regresan, y a las doce se asoma:

“�Chin…! Est�n en la sombra, ni modo, ma�ana otra vez”.

Pero esto sigui� repiti�ndose durante todo el mes. Situaci�n que ten�a a nuestro hombre Juan con 12 kilos menos y unas ojeras como de oso panda. Uno de tantos d�as, ya sin ganas de continuar con su prop�sito, le pide a su mujer, quien desconoc�a los planes de su marido:

“Mujer, f�jate si las puercas est�n en el sol o en la sombra”.

“Pues no est�n ni en el sol ni en la sombra”, le informa la se�ora, “est�n todas arriba de la camioneta y una de ellas est� tocando el claxon para que ya te subas”.

Cream of corn

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Three people living in a appartment, two of the people are having sex. The girl is in the time of the month. The room mate is in the other room hearing the people having sex. After a little while he gose in the next room and “what are you doing?”” The other guy said “”eating pizza!””

By Mike Rose

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Drug dealers vs Software developers

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Refer to their clients as “users” Refer to their clients as “users” “The first one’s free!” ” Download a free trial version…” Have important overseas connections (to help move the stuff) Have important overseas connections (to help debug the code) Strange jargon: “Stick,” “Rock,” “Dime bag,” “E” Strange jargon: “SCSI,” “RTFM,” “Java,” “ISDN” Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 15- to 20-year-old market Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 15- to 20-year-old market Job is assisted by the industry’s producing newer, more potent mixes Job is assisted by industry’s producing newer, faster machines Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists Their product causes unhealthy addictions DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem ‘Nuff said Do your job well, and you can sleep with movie stars who depend on you Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!

ONE STUPID BLONDE

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A BLONDE A BRUNETTE AND A REDHEAD WERE ABOUT TO GET EXECUTED. THE BRUNETTE STEPPED UP AND THE EXECUTIONERS ASKED IF SHE HAD ANY LAST WORDS…..SHE DIDNT SAY ANYTHING. SO THE EXECUTIONER SAID”3…2…1…”THEN THE BRUNETTE SAID “HURRICANE”. THEN THE EXECUTIONERS LOOKED AROUND AND THE BRUNETTE GOT AWAY.

THEN THE REDHEAD STEPPED UP AND ONCE AGAIN THE EXECUTIONER SAID”ANY LAST WORDS”AND ONCE AGAIN NO WORDS. THEN THE EXECUTIONER SAID 3…2…1 THEN THE REDHEAD SAID TORNADO AND ONCE AGAIN EVERYONE LOOKED AROUND AND THE REDHEAD GOT AWAY.

FINALLY THE BLONDE GOT UP THERE AND THE EXECUTIONER SAID”AND LAST WORDS” ONCE AGAIN NOTHING. THEN THE EXECUTIONER SAID”3…2…1 THEN THE BLONDE SHOUTED “FIRE”.

Connecting with Celebrities

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Weird, but allegedly true, celebrity encounters as quoted in the book “Elvis Presley’s Pharmacist Was My Sunday School Teacher” (Alaska Northwest Books, $8.95). “While playing a celebrity basketball game at the Pentagon, I mistakenly put on Al Gore’s jockstrap.” “I once heard Brian Keith belch.” “I was circumcised by C. Everett Koop.” “Kurt Cobain puked on my ex-girlfriend.” “I took Captain Kangaroo’s stool sample.” “I once built a stage that Glenn Campbell fell through.” “I watched Jaclyn Smith pick her nose while driving her Corvette.” “I sat on a plane next to the best friend of the nephew of the Japanese guy that President Bush puked on.” “I threw a Frisbee to the Emperor of Japan.” “My ancestors ate Magellan.” “I know a guy whose father’s grandfather was the plumber who pulled President Taft out of the tub when he got stuck.” “My father went to high school with Adam West. I met him and then the three of us went to Hooters.” “Connie Chung once hawked a loogie on my shoe.” “Gomer Pyle hit on my brother.” “Stephen Hawking ran over my foot with his wheelchair.”

Blonde and lawyer quizz

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A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50!” figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?” The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer!?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

The S.A.S.

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Paddy the Englishman, Paddy the Irishman and Paddy the Scotsman
all apply to join the SAS and are called for interview.
Paddy the Englishman was first in to be greeted by two high
ranking officers.
“Paddy, we in the SAS are double-hard bastards”, said one.
“In order to join, you too must prove you are a double-hard
bastard”, said the other.
“We have organised a test. Through that door is your wife. On
the table beside where she is sitting is a revolver. Go in there
and shoot her”, said the first one, not telling him that the gun
only fires blanks!
Paddy the Englishman immediately breaks down sobbing stating
that he cannot do it and so he fails the test.
Paddy the Scotsman is next and is given the same instructions
but after 5 mins in the other room he comes back in and declares
his undying love for his wife and so he too fails.
Paddy the Irishman is given the task also. He slowly stands up
and enters the other room. The two officers wait expectantly and
then BANG
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG. 6 shots fired and then silence. The
silence lasts for a couple of moments and then there is an
unmerciful scuffle. The place gets trashed. After 5 minutes the
door opens and out walks Paddy, clothes torn to shreds, blood
everywhere.
“Jaysus but that fuckin gun was useless. I had to beat the bitch
to death with the chair!”