Author: admin

Blonde in First Class

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On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a
blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she
move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The
blonde replied “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York
and I’m not moving.”

Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked
the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman
asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again,
the blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New
York and I’m not moving.” The co-pilot returned to the cockpit
and asked the captain what to do about her.

The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to
handle this.” He went to the first class section and whispered
in the blonde’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the
economy section mumbling to herself, “Why didn’t anyone just say
so?”

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he
said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He
said, “I told her the first class section wasn’t going to New
York.

The train has failed

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A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. “No problem,” the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: “Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly.”

Stress Diet

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THE FEMALE STRESS DIET
This is a specially formulated diet designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day:

Breakfast – I grapefruit, I slice whole-wheat toast, I cup of skim milk.

Lunch – Small portion of lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach, 1 cup of herbal tea, I Tim Tam.

Afternoon Tea – The rest of the packet of Tim Tams, I tub of Tip Top ice cream with chocolate topping, I jar of Nutella.

Dinner – 4 bottles of red wine, 2 loaves of garlic bread, I family size supreme pizza, 3 Snickers bars.

Late Night Snack – Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake eaten directly from the freezer.

Diet Rules
1. If no one sees you eat something, it has no calories.

2. When drinking a diet Coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the chocolate is cancelled out by the diet Coke.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes does NOT count. (For example: hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake, vodka…)

5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner.

6. Cinema-related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake. This includes popcorn, Minties, Maltesers, Jaffas and frozen Cokes.

7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up causes calorie leakage.

8. Food licked from knives and spoons has no fat if you are in the process of cooking something.

9. Foods that are the same color have the same amount of fat. Examples are: spinach and peppermint ice cream, apples and red jelly snakes.

10. Chocolate is like a food-color wildcard and may be substituted for any other color.

11. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass.

12. Food consumed from someone else’s plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (Oh, how fat likes to cling!)

And remember: ‘STRESSED’ SPELT BACKWARDS IS ‘DESSERTS’!

Birthing Experience

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An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. ”Hit him again,” the 5-year-old said. ”He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place!”

Man with No Arms and No Legs

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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on a wall?
Art.

What do you call two men with no arms and no legs hanging on a window?
Curt and Rod. [curtain rod]

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russell [rustle]

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs that is thrown out of a
boat?
Skip.

What do yo call a man with no arms and no legs in the floor?
Matt.

Computer Mouse

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This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all
field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author
of this memo was quite serious, but the engineers rolled on the
floor:

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform
erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the
delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls
should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by
examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be
larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures
differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign
balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls
are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not
usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result
in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used
immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of
spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any
customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of
removing these necessary items.