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Era un tipo que nunca

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Era un tipo que nunca durante su ni�ez hab�a usado un calzoncillo porque su mam� no le compraba. As� que cuando ya creci� y cumpli� dieciocho a�os su mam� le compr� diez
metros de manta y le hizo un calzoncillo con un metro de esa manta.

El muchacho estaba tan contento, pues era la primer vez que iba a estrenar una prenda de esas. As� que decidi� ir a sorprender a su novia con el super regalo que le hab�an
dado, pero era tanta la emoci�n que ten�a que se le olvid� ponerse el canzoncillo antes de ponerse el pantal�n. Y as� con gran emoci�n se fu� donde la novia.

Llega a casa de la novia y cuando est�n en la sala le dice: “Mi amor, tengo una sorpresa que quiero ense�arte”.

Y r�pidamente se suelta el pantal�n, sin acordarse a�n que no ten�a el canzoncillo puesto. Y la hembra donde ve semejante barbaridad se qued� at�nita y dijo:

“Dios m�o, pero que es esa barbaridad”.

A lo que el tipo responde: “Y eso no es nada mi amor, en la casa quedaron nueve metros m�s.

The Top 12 Cartoon Character Pick-Up Lines

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12> Wimpy — “I’d gladly pay you Tuesday for a hummer today.”

11> Foghorn Leghorn — “Ah say, boy, ah say, you’ve got it all wrong. Those little chickens you’ve been chasing around are roosters. What you want is a big ol’ hen, like me.”

10> Bart Simpson — “Eat my shorts, ma’am!”

9> Batman — “Wanna help to dispel those nasty rumors about me and the Boy Wonder?”

8> Speedy Gonzales — “Senorita, it’s just a nickname!”

7> Pepe LePew — “But, mon cherie — I don’t smell any worse than anyone else in France.”

6> Ross Perot — “I’m worth $4 billion.”

5> Porky Pig — “L-L-Let’s go back to my place and f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fu-f-f-fu… hump.”

4> Popeye — “I’m strong to the finish ’cause I takes Viagra!”

3> Pinocchio — “Hey, I *am* a woody!”

2> Underdog — “My heart is for you, my Polly, dear; You are pure and true, can I sniff your rear?”

1> Tweety Bird — “I wuuuv to eat putty!”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

3 Boys Saved Bill Clinton’s Life

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Three kids were walking down a dirt path in the forest. One of
the kids sees Bill Clinton drowing. The three boys save Bill
Clinton. Bill Clinton is so pleased that they saved his life he
decided to give each one of them a request. The first boy said,
“Chicks, lots of hot chicks.” The second boy said, “Candy, lots
of candy.” And the third boy said, “A coffin next to Grants
tomb.” Bill Clinton asked why he wanted a coffin next to Grant’s
tomb, and the boy said, “When my dad finds out that I saved your
life he is going to kill me.”

Work Rules to Live By

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1. Never walk without a document in your hands

People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the canteen. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy

Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss – and you *will* get caught — your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training expenses.

3. Messy desk

Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your desk, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail

Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there – it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed

Always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Leave the office late

Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect

Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8. Stacking Strategy

It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

9. Build Vocabulary

Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to understand what you say, but you will sound impressive.

10. Have 2 Jackets

If you work in a big open plan office, always leave a spare jacket draped over the back of your seat. This gives the impression that you are still on the premises. The second jacket should be worn while swanning around elsewhere

If You Love

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The Original Version:

If you love somebody, set her free…
If she comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, she never was….

New, Revised and Updated Versions:

* Pessimist:
If you love somebody, set her free…
If she ever comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, well, as expected, she never was.

* Optimist:
If you love somebody, set her free…
Don’t worry, she will come back.

* Suspicious:
If you love somebody, set her free…
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

* Impatient:
If you love somebody, set her free…
If she doesn’t come back within your specific time limit, forget her.

* Patient:
If you love somebody, set her free…
If she doesn’t come back, continue to wait until she comes back…

* Playful:
If you love somebody, set her free…
If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, *repeat*

* Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love somebody, set her free…
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

* Lawyer:
If you love somebody, set her free…
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states this.

* Bill Gates:
If you love somebody, set her free…
If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she’s also going to get an upgrade.

* Schwarzenegger Fan:
If you love somebody, set her free…
SHE’LL BE BACK!

* Over Possessive Control Freak:
If you love somebody,
don’t set her free.

* HR Specialist:
If you love somebody, set her free…
By offering her VRS and other benefits, then outsource her.

* Psychologist:
If you love somebody, set her free…
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant;
If she doesn’t come, back her id is supreme;
If she doesn’t go, she must be crazy.

* Somnabulist:
If you love somebody, set her free…
If she comes back, it’s a nightmare;
If she doesn’t, you must be dreaming.

* Finance Expert:
If you love somebody, set her free…
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans;
If she doesn’t, write her off as an asset gone bad.

* Marketing Expert:
If you love somebody, set her free…
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty;
If she doesn’t, reposition the brand in new and emerging markets!

Tied To A Tree

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A San Francisco tourist is taking a stroll through Golden Gate Park when he�s attacked by three horny sailors.They strip him, tie him over a tree branch so he can�t move and butt fuck him repeatedly, then leave him tied-up and helpless. Hours later he spies a policeman through the trees and calls for help. The cop strolls over. “Well Hello! What have we here?” the cop asks. The poor tourist quickly relates his ordeal with the sailors. “Really?”, says the cop, �It�s not your day for uniforms . . . as the cop unzips his fly,. . . now is it sir?”

Bad Date Signs!

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Not only is she a little young, but you’re sure that you used to date
her mother.

…You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little
league with her.

…She has a thicker moustache than you.

…When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions.

…You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.

…Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.

…You are the first guy that she’s gone out with that isn’t her cousin.

…At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.

…She beats up some guy for making fun of your hair cut.

…You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.

…At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.

…She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet satan.

…She constantly complains that her cat won’t stop laughing at her.

…She informs you that you can’t go out again because her spirit guide doesn’t like you.

…She informs you that you can’t go out again because her boyfriend doesn’t like you.

How to annoy the Hell out of a telemarketer

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1.Get him/her confused
You:Hello
Telemarketer: May I speak with whoever
You:She cant talk, shes over at the vet getting her rabies shots
Telemarketer: Umm, exscuse me?
You: Well shes (think up a crazy name), our dog.
Shes back from the vet, hi!
Telemarketer: he will either hang up or think your kidding and
just say may I speak with her?
You:Shes actually deaf too though
Telemarketer:May I just speak with her
You: O.K, here she is
Say nothing for 20 seconds
Telemarketer:Hello? Hello?
You: I told you, shes disabled
Telemarketer: im convinced (click)

2.Make him/her feel bad
You:Hello
Telemarketer:May I speak with Mr.Smith/The person who is in
charge of the phone bill
You:Whimper twice: im afraid he passed away
Telemarketer: Im so sorry sir
You: that ok i’ll get passed it(pretend to cry) Did you have any
special offers?
Telemarketer: Yes sir actually i did. You could get bla bla bla
bla bal
Think of a word he says and say something about your “dead
family member” that has to do with it. Example: If he says
something about a Gold platinum card, say gold was his favorite
color and cry again or if he says something about calling plan
say he always had plans in life and now he can never complete
them. There will be a word he says there that will work.
He will either get annoyed and hangup or he will say im so sorry
again and you must keep annoying him/her.

These have all worked for me, or you can just try Jerry
Sienfeld’s idea. Remember?
Sienfeld:Hello
Telemarketer:Would you like to sign up for some special offer
Sienfeld:Well maybe but this isnt really a good time. Could you
give your home phone and I can just call you there?
Telemarketer: Well, we dont really like people doing that
Sienfeld: Wel Now you know how I feel(Click)