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“But as a result of evil, there’s some amazing things that are taking place in
America.” – Daytona Beach, FL, January 30, 2002.
“The great thing about America is everybody should vote.”
“We don’t believe in planners and deciders making the decisions on behalf of
Americans.” – Scranton, Pa., Sept. 6, 2000
“We’ll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called
America will be the pacemakers.”
“The American people want a president that appeals to the angels”.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a redhead in bed?
A blonde let’s you leave the bed when you are satisfied – a redhead let’s you leave the bed when SHE is satisfied.
Yo’ mama so fat, she has a kickstand on her pegleg!
There once was a man who had three girlfriends, and he couldn�t decide which one to marry.
He decided to give five thousand dollars to each woman to see what she would do with it.
The first woman bought new clothes for herself. She got an expensive new hairdo, a massage, a facial, a manicure, and a pedicure.
She said, I spent the money so that I would look pretty for you because I love you so much.
The second woman bought a VCR, a CD player, a set of golf clubs, and a tennis racket and gave them to the man.
I used the money to buy you these gifts because I love you, she told him.
The third woman invested the money in the stock market and within a short time had doubled her investment.
She returned the initial five thousand dollars to the man and reinvested the profit.
Im investing in our future because I love you so much, she said.
The man carefully considered how each woman had spent the money, and married the woman with the biggest tits.
One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, “See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you’ll never forget.”They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.”Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don’t know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I’d ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: RRROOAARRR!!! ………..I tell you, I just crapped my pants.”The young men looked astonished and one of them said, “I don’t blame you, I would have crapped my pants too if a lion jumped out at me.”The old man shook his head and said, “No, no… not back then, just now, when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!” ______________________
A man walk in to a bar and says i want 14 beers the bartinder says you can only have 7 at a time the man says what ever give me 7 he drinks thim then he says give me 7 more he drinks thim to he says im so f**cking drunk i can hump a cow the bartender says go sit in the corner ! than a nother person comes in he said i want 14 beers he drinks thim he says im so f**cking drunk i can hump a cow the guy in the corner says moo!!
One night a drunk is walking down the sidewalk holding
his car keys out in front of him. He ends up walking into
a police officer.
The officer says to the man,”sir are you ok?”
“Officer someone just stole my car!”
“Now sir how do you know someone stole your car?”
The man replies,”Well, the last time I saw it, it
was at the end of my key!”
The officer says,”Jesus Christ your drunk, for
God’s sake I should arrest you for indecent exposure,”
pointing to the man’s crotch,”you have your dick
hanging out of your pants!”
The man looks down and says “Holy shit!”
“Now what?”
“Someone just stole my girlfriend!”
My army unit was so tough…
How tough was it?
It was so tough, the drill sergent used to wear a wig.
What’s so tough about that?
He used to keep it on with a nail.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock — it’s half-past three in the morning.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this time”, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.
So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there,” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”
“No. Get lost, it’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says.
“Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s door to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband. “It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: “Hey, do you still want a push?” and he hears a voice cry out “Yeah please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies: “I’m over here, on your swing seat.�
The professor:
“You are three, stop passing notes to each other!”
The student:
“These aren’t notes. We are playing the preference.”
“Ah! Sorry!”
Q: Why should Republicans be buried 100 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they’re really good people.