Author: admin

Let Me Warm You

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This couple out on a date get a flat tire while driving along on a snowy night. They guy gets out to change the tire, but he doesn’t have any gloves so before long he gets back in the car with the job half-done, his hands blue from the cold.

“Put your hands between my legs to warm them up,” offers his gal. So he does, then gets out to finish the job.

It’s so cold, however, that he has to come back one more time to warm his hands, again between her legs.

Finally, he finishes the job and gets back into the car, and is about to put the keys into the ignition when she asks, “Aren’t your ears cold too?”

Dr Jones

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There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, “Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy : Either way, you get your dog back!”

Two Dwarfs in a Bar

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Two dwarfs are sitting in a bar talking about women and beer when a couple of prostitutes stide up to them.”Like any buisness tonight?” They ask, making sure their ample clevages are showing.”Ay! Allright” Of course obviously they are scottish…”Just so happens we have two rooms in the hotel accross road” The first dwarf, ‘Malcolm’ says. They cross the road and go up to their hotel rooms which are situated next to each other. Dwarf number 2 ‘Jimmy’ as he likes to be called sits on the bed with his partner for the night.”Ahhh….has been a long time since I have enjoyed such a woman as yourself” Jimmy tells his new found friend. But to his disgust he has great problems trying to get “lil’ Jimmy” to cooperate…. To make the situation worse he can hear Malcolm in the next room….”ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! MMMWWAWWAAAAA!!” Obviously he is having far greater success… In fact at this point in time Jimmy is thinking, Malcolm is the God of sex… Capable of arousing and giving almost painful pleasure any woman.Next morning Jimmy walks across the road the bar for an early pint to drown his sorrows in. but sitting at the counter is Malcolm.”Ahhhh…hello Malcolm, what an appauling night…Lil’ Jimmy wasnt playing along” says the dwarf…”Hah!!” says Malcolm.”It’s fine for you. I couldnt even get on the bed!!”

The Speech

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well” he explained” By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen”.

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I’ll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. “Well” he explained” By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen”.

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I’ll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. “Well” he explained,” by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying –

Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…….”

Critical thinking on the farm

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Two stupid farmers had this mule that was a very hard worker. The only problem was every time they went to put the mule back in his stall, his ears would brush the top of the entrance and then the old mule would go nuts and kick everything. One day, the farmers decided to cut a opening in the top to prevent this from happening. While they were working, a neighbor stopped by and asked what they were doing, so they explained the problem. The neighbor suggested that they could save a lot of work and time if they simply took a shovel and dug the entrance down a little bit. The farmers thanked their neighbor and he drove off. Then the one farmer said to the other, ‘Some stupid neighbor we have, it’s not his feet that’s too long, it’s his ears!’

Cow gives birth

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A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 11-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought, “Great…he’s 11 and now I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun – I’ll just let him ask, and I’ll answer.”

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, “Well son, do you have any questions?”

“Just one Dad.” gasped the still wide-eyed lad. Just as the father is preparing his birds and bees story, his son asks –

“How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?”

The queens legs!!!!!1

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Once there where 3 men one from Australia one from England and one from USA. The 3 guys had opened a pub in irland and they were choosing a name for it.
The Australian guy said what about the aussies, the other two said no to aussie. the the Amrican said what about the Yankies, but the other 2 said to Amrican and then the English guy said what about the queens leg all of them agreed so the pub was called the queens legs.
On the opening night there was a sign out the front and people saying come in come in come and see under the queens legs.