At the movie theater there was a man laying across two seats. The usher comes down and says “Excuse me sir but you can only use one seat, I’m going to have to ask you to move.” The man just grunts. The usher says again “Sir, if you don’t move I will have to call the manager.” Again the man just grunts. So the usher goes to get the manager. the manager says “Sir, if you don’t move I will have to call the police, so I suggest you move”. But once again the man only grunts. So the manager calls the police. The police come and say to the man “OK, what’s your name?” The man replies “Joe” Then the police officer says “And Joe, where did you come from?” The man painfully answers, “the balcony”
Author: admin
Blonde quickies 41-60
Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: What’s the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means “Stop, wrong hole.”
Q: Why don’t blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.
Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.
Q: Why do blondes wear panties?
A: They make good ankle warmers.
Q: Why don’t blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!
Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.
Q: What’s the mating call of the blonde?
A: “I’m *sooo* drunk!”
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) “I said: I’m drunk!”
Q: What’s the mating call of the brunette?
A: “All the blondes have gone home!”
Q: What’s a brunette’s mating call ?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
Q: What’s the mating call of the redhead?
A: “Next!”
Q: Why do Blondes like the GST? (GST — Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits go in front.
Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won’t give in?
A: “Have another beer.”
A Commandment for C Programmers
7. Thou shalt study thy libraries and strive not to re-invent them without cause, that thy code may be short and readable and thy days pleasant and productive.
Cat On A Hot Tin Roo
A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ”I’m so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died.” The man was very upset and yelled, ”You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn’t come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.” The brother thought about it and apologized. “So how’s Mom?” asked the man.”She’s on the roof and won’t come down.”
Doesn’t ‘expecting the unexpected” make
Doesn’t ‘expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
The Top 14 Signs You’re Caught Up in the Holiday Shopping Frenzy
14. Before stepping out of your car, you put in a mouthpiece, slip on protective goggles, and tape your ankles.
13. You’ve somehow convinced yourself that “Visa burn” entitles you to park in handicapped spaces.
12. You call the kids to dinner and hear their muffled screams coming from boxes you wrapped that afternoon.
11. At 95% off, you don’t care if that Acme Iron Lung works or not — your kids are going to use it and appreciate it!
10. Sure, the sign says “1 Furby per customer”, but they’re probably not doing body cavity searches.
9. The bank has replaced your Platinum Visa with a one-of-a-kind Plutonium Visa.
8. On any given day, you have more plastic on you than Anna Nicole Smith and Pamela Anderson Lee combined.
7. In an effort to please your 5-year-old, you trade your 2-year-old for a Furby.
6. Upon awakening on the sofa, you discover 10 beer empties, 5 Cheetoh bags, and an answering machine message thanking you for your order of 100 Dale Earnhardt Hummel Figures
5. The producer of “American Gladiators” calls after seeing you fight for the last Furby on CNN.
4. Just too busy shopping to fact-check your NY Times article.
3. Currently spending more time at “Amazon.com” than at “AmazonWomen.com”
2. Your MasterCard bill arrives on a Zip disk.
1. You hike up your skirt in front of the Toys ‘R’ Us manager, and in a throaty moan utter, “Wanna trade Furbies?”
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]Yo mama’s So Fat
Yo’ mama so fat, she fell asleep at a new gas station and when she woke up she
was painted orange with a 76 on her and was stuck at the top of a pole!
Silent Battle With The Pope
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy.
There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope
offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish
community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to
stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.
The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them
in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could
not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a “silent” debate.
On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each
other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three
fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and said, “I concede the debate. This man has
bested me. The Jews can stay.”
Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened.
The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He
responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God
common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that
God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God
was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that
God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original
sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what
happened.
“Well,” said Moishe, “first he said to me, ‘You Jews have three days to get
out of here.’ So I said to him, ‘Up yours’. Then he tells me the whole city
would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, ‘Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews …
we stay right here!”
“And then?” asked a woman.
“Who knows?” said Rabbi Moishe. “We broke for lunch.”
Cats — Now And Forever
What are the two things a cat is good for?
Altitude and distance!
Battered Women
I read last week how there are more than one million battered women in the United States each year.All these years I’ve been eating them raw.
The FORCE is looking for a few good men….
The FORCE is looking for a few good men.
Talkin’ Walkin’ Kids
“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s
lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next
twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.”
-Phyllis Diller