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En la noche de bodas, el novio se da cuenta que la novia no era virgen.
“�Qu� no eres virgen?”, le pregunta con asombro y enojo.
Ella le responde tranquilamente: “No, pero t� tampoco eres San Jos� �Cabr�n! Y esto no es una pastorela, as� que conc�ntrate y no me hagas perder el tiempo.
A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower.
“There is a blind man to see you,” she says.
“Well, if he is a blind man, then it does not matter if I’m in the shower, send him in.”
The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them.
She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts, “That’s nice and all, ma’am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
A very important event is going to happen on May the 4th. I’m telling you so early because it’s so important. I urge each of you to mark that date on your calendars with the letters BU. It’s very important that you include the letter B with the letter U; you may miss the importance of the event without it.
So go now, and mark your calendars. Keep repeating to yourselves as you walk to the calendar, so you don’t forget: May the 4th, B with U; May the 4th, B with U….
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
“What’s the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?” she asked.
“Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and we were so young?” he asked.
“Yes, I do,” she replied.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?”
“Yes, I remember.”
“Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter or spend the next twenty years in jail?”
“Yes, I do,” she said.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, ” You know…I would have gotten out today.”
Benign…………….What you be after you be eight.
Artery…………….The study of paintings.
Bacteria…………..Back door to cafeteria.
Barium…………….What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section……A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat scan……………Searching for kitty.
Cauterize………….Made eye contact with her.
Colic……………..A sheep dog.
Coma………………A punctuation mark.
D & C……………..Where Washington is.
Dilate…………….To live long.
Enema……………..Not a friend.
Fester…………….Quicker than someone else.
Fibula…………….A small lie.
Genital……………Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series………..World Series of military
baseball.
Hangnail…………..What you hang your coat on.
Impotent…………..Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain…………Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff………A Doctor’s cane.
Morbid…………….A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates…………..Cheaper than day rates.
Node………………Was aware of
Outpatient…. …….A person who has fainted.
Pap smear….. …….A fatherhood test.
Pelvis…………….Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative……..A letter carrier.
Recovery Room………Place to do upholstery.
Rectum…………….Darn near killed him.
Secretion………….Hiding something.
Seizure……………Roman emperor.
Tablet…………….A small table.
Terminal Illness……Getting sick at the Bus Station
Tumor……………..More than one.
Urine……………..Opposite of you’re out.
Varicose…………..Near by/close by.
Vein………………Conceited.
Deja Moo:
The feeling that you’ve heard this bullshit before.
Una mujer estaba acompa�ando en el hospital a su esposo, quien sal�a del estado de coma en que hab�a ca�do despu�s de varios meses. Ella hab�a permanecido a su lado todos los d�as esperando su recuperaci�n y cuando finalmente volvi� en s�, �l le pidi� que se acercara, con l�grimas en los ojos:
“Querida: has estado conmigo siempre en las malas. Cuando fui despedido, estabas ah� para apoyarme. Cuando quebr� mi negocio, estabas ah�. Cuando me dispararon, continuaste ah�. Cuando perdimos la casa, permaneciste conmigo. Cuando mi salud comenz� a fallar, segu�as a mi lado. �Sabes qu�?”
“Dime, mi vida”.
“Creo que me traes mala suerte”.
What does a man do on two legs, that a dog does on three and a lady
does sitting down?
– Shake hands.
There was a farmer who had a lot of live stock. He had cows, horses, chickens, pigs, and bulls. One day a terrible twister came and the man and his family were only saved by throwing themselves in the nearest ditch. After it was all over, he looked up to see that the house was gone. Saddened by the loss, he went out to see if any of the animals had survived. The horses, chickens, pigs, and cows were laid out flat but the bulls were standing! The farmer was amazed and asked them, “How is it that all the other animals are down and you are still standing?” The bulls replied, “We bulls wobble but we don’t fall down!”
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.
“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied, still in pain, in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked, “How does that feel?”
He replied, “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”
Somewhere in Australia….
“Papa,” said the farmers son, “you were a sheepherder in your younger days, perhaps you can tell me where virgin wool comes from.”
” Virgin Wool, my son, comes from the sheep the herders couldn’t catch.”
Why did the blonde snort sweetner??
She thought it was diet coke.
Submitted by Calamjo