Two men were in a pub. One man said, ”Did you know that beer contains female hormones?” The other man said, ”No! Is it true?” ”Yes,” said the first man. ”If you drink too much, you start talking crap and you drive terribly.”
Author: admin
Yo Mama’s So Fat… St. Louis
Yo’ mama so fat when she went to St. Louis she got stuck in the arch!
Actual Label Instructions
In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed
through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
consumer products:
1. On a blanket from Taiwan –
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists –
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo –
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink –
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray –
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer –
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO
ROOM TEMPERATURE
BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids –
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED
PORTION LIKE
A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR
APPROXIMATELY 5
MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles –
OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins –
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer –
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos –
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)
12. On a bar of Dial soap –
DIRECTIONS – USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)
13. On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) –
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding –
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let’s experiment.)
15. On a Korean kitchen knife –
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights –
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)
17. On a Japanese food processor –
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I’m curious.)
18. On Sainsbury’s peanuts –
WARNING – CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I’m glad they cleared that up.)
20. On a Swedish chainsaw –
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
21. On a child’s superman costume – WEARING OF THIS GARMENT
DOES NOT
ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That’s right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
22. On some frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot’s “Children’s” cough medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nightly sleep aid:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
(Duh!)
Landing at a hidden military base
You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?” Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane…only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”
Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com
Men and commercials
Q: Why are men like commercials?
A: You can’t believe a word they say.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Ron!Ron who?Ron dinnertime,
Knock KnockWho’s there?Ron!Ron who?Ron dinnertime, give me a call!
Blonde Swimmer
There was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead standing on the beach.
They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel.
After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.
One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she decided that they couldn’t be far behind so sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting for the other two.
After a cold night of waiting, the Brunette finally came into sight. “What took you so long?” inquired the Redhead.
“There were some strong currents out there! But I’m here now! Am I the last?” replied the Brunette.
“No. Blondie is still out there somewhere.” They decided to wait.
Day after day the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the 5th day Blondie came into view. Once on dry land the Brunette asked the blonde “What took you so long?”
“What do you expect? You guy’s cheated, replied the blonde, “You used your hands!”
Wrong number!
Last Wednesday night I was sitting in my room watching television, when the phone rang.
“Hello?” I said.
A girl’s voice came over the line. “Can I speak to Ben, please?”
I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was a wrong number and I was bored. I replied, “I’m sorry, he’s not in right now. Can I take a message?”
“Do you know what time he’ll be back?” she responded.
“I think he said he’d be home around ten.”
There was a confused silence on the other end.
“Is this Steve?”
My name isn’t Steve, either. So I replied, “Yes, it is. D’you want to leave a message for Ben?”
“Well… he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him,” she said in a slightly irritated voice.
I replied, “Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at ten.”
A shocked voice now, “Who’s Karen?!”
“The girl he went out with.”
“I know that! I mean… who is she?”
“I don’t know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?”
“Yes… please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home.”
She was sounding pretty irate at this point, I could hear her temper flaring. “I sure will. Is this Jennifer?”
She exploded, “Who the hell is Jennifer?!”
Apparently she wasn’t.
“Well… he’s going out with Jennifer at ten. I thought you were her. Sorry… it was an honest mistake.”
“Ben’s the one that’s made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called and that she’s very upset and that I want him to call me as soon as he gets home.”
I smiled and said, “Okay, I will… but Becky isn’t going to like this…”
*CLICK*
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
X-ray Exam
The medical student was shocked when he received a failing grade in radiology. Approaching the professor, he demanded to know the reason for the grade.”You know the self X-ray you took?” asked the professor.”I do.” said the student.”A fine picture,” the professor said, “of your lungs, stomach, and liver.””If it’s a fine picture, then why did you give me an F?” asked the student”I had no choice,” said the professor.”You didn’t put your heart in it.”
New Commander
One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp.
The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there
for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel.
The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, “So is that how the other men do it?”
One of the men responded, “No we usually just use the camel to ride into town.”
24 hours in a day…24
24 hours in a day…24 Diet Cokes in a case…coincidence?
Llega el pap� de Pepito
Llega el pap� de Pepito a la casa y encuentra a la mam�, quien le reprocha que �ste hab�a tenido su primera relaci�n sexual.
El pap� se lleva a Pepito al cuarto para felicitarlo, lejos de la mam�, y le dice:
“Ese es mi tigre, campe�n, y �cu�ndo lo haces de nuevo?”
“Cuando se me mejore el culo, pap�.”