Q. Whats the difference between a blonde and the trash????
A. At least the trash gets taken out once a week.
Author: admin
Weightloss Program
One day a boy walked in on his parents having sex. His mom was
laying on top of his dad. He didn’t understand what was
happening so he figured he’d ask his mom later.
Later the boy asked his mom,”Mommy what were you to daddy
before?” His mom stuttered and said,”You know how daddy is
getting kind of fat? Well when I lay on him, it slims him down.”
“Well mommy, that won’t work. Because right after you leave for
work, the lady next door comes and blows him right back up.”
No, you should eat your fingers separately
Q: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?
A: No, you should eat your fingers separately.
Top Ten Questions Received by the Schwarzenegger For Governor Hotline
10. “What’s Arnold’s poorly-worded plan to fix the economy?”
9. “Why is Arnold campaigning in St. Louis?”
8. “Will he govern shirtless?”
7. “Is he going to take a leave of absence if he becomes pregnant again?”
6. “Just to clarify — will he be back?”
5. “When is this Governor movie coming out?”
4. “Did Arnold get the egg I tossed to him?”
3. “Is this the Tom Arnold for Governor hotline?”
2. “Can you tell Mr. Schwarzenegger his steroid shipment has arrived?”
1. “What time is tonight’s group sex fundraiser?
Only 200 women went down on the Titanic
Q. What are the difference between bill Clinton and the Titanic?
A. Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.
A Message From Your Computer
You look really sexy in that…thing you’ve got on tonight. I
like the way your eyes are always open when you read your
E-Mail. When you type, it reminds me of a concert pianist
tinkling on her keys.
You really know how to push the right buttons to turn me on.
If I wasn’t a computer, I’d show you what “Hard Drive” really
means!
But Alas, I’m only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying
your every command. Yes mistress! I’ll balance your cheque-
book. Yes mistress! I’ll run your silly little program.
Don’t get me wrong…I like the Master/Slave thing, but
maybe just once in a while you could show some
compassion? Maybe instead of just ramming the diskette in,
you could slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot
first. And maybe instead of just using me and turning me off
when you’re through, we could talk for a while afterwards?
I know other computers have hurt you in the past. But I’m
different! I may be a little slow, but I’ve got a big mouse!
So come on baby, don’t fight it. You know you want it. I’ll
just turn off the lights and . . . and . . . what? Ok . . .well, will
you at least think about it?
I’m so embarrassed,
Your Computer.
Burglary defence
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.” “Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.” The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Hanging
A depressed blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park. A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree.
He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, “I’m hanging myself.”
“You’re supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist,” said the man.
“I tried that,” replied the blonde, “but I couldn’t breathe…”
Players Trip To Playtown
There is a player named Shaun. He goes from country to country
to find the best sex. He seeks his adventure in Germany and goes
to a German town named Playtown. Supposedly, he heard that the
best sex goes in this town, so he’s eager to go.
Since prostitution is legal in Germany, he goes up to the
counter and explains his “pimpin adventure.” The clerk smiles
and says, “You can only stay for 3 nights, and you can only pick
3 rooms out of 10. One room per night. But remember, don’t go to
Room Number 1. And when you are done, come on down and tell me
about it.” And with that, he gives Shaun the 10 keys.
Shaun goes to Room Number 9 and does that ho bad. The next
morning he goes down and says that that was one of the best sex
acts he has ever done. The clerk smiles and reminds him again to
stay out of Room Number 1.
The next night, Shaun has a better ho and a better time in Room
Number 3 then he did at Room Number 9. He goes back down and
tells the clerk that he had so much fun and it felt so good he
wants the same girl again. But the clerk said that one girl one
time is enough. And he reminded Shaun that one night was left,
and to stay out of Room Number 1.
Shaun walks down the hall and passes Room Number 1. He looks
around and says, “What the hell, I already had the best sex I’ll
ever get.” and with that, he walks into the room. He looks
around, a typical hotel room. 2 beds, a bathroom, a closet and a
desk. He then notices the hole in the wall with hair coming out.
He says, “Ok, whatever” and he goes up and humps the hole.
The next morning, he goes in to turn in the keys and the clerk
says, “….and…?” and Shaun says, “Oh, yeah, it was great….”
and the clerk asks, “You didn’t go to Room Number 1, did you?”.
Shaun says, “No I wasn’t…” and then this guy stroking his big
black beard said, “…..oh yes he diiiiiiiiid!”
Blonde medical terms
Acute: Opposite of an ugly.
Adenoid: Domino’s Pizza character.
Advil: Used to hammer things on.
AIDS: Helpers or Assistants. Anally Occurring yearly.
Aphrodisiac: An African disc jockey.
Artery: Study of fine paintings.
Aspirin: Having great ambitions.
Bacteria: Back door to a cafeteria.
Barium: What doctors do when treatment fails.
Benign: What you are after you be eight.
Blood: A type of Gang.
Bowel: A letter like A, E, I, O, or U.
Bruise: A six-pack.
Cesarean Section: A district in Rome.
Capsule: A space ship.
Catheter: String instruments.
Cat Scan: Searching for kitty.
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.
Clitoris: A type of flower.
Colic: A sheep dog.
Coma: A punctuation mark.
Condom: Apartment complex.
Congenital: Friendly.
Concussion: A prisoner’s sofa pillow.
Constipation: An important U.S. document.
D&C: Where Washington is.
Diaphragm: A drawing in geometry.
Diarrhea: Journal of daily events.
Dilate: To live long.
Dildo: Variety of sweet pickle.
Douche: Italian word for “12.”
Enema: Not a friend.
Erection: When the Japanese vote.
Femur: Not a Male.
Fester: Quicker.
Fibula: Small lie.
Fracture: A number less than one.
Genital: Non-Jewish.
G.I. Series: Baseball series for soldiers.
Grippe: Suit case.
Hair: Rodent with long ears.
Hangnail: Coat hook.
Heart: Bow & Arrow target.
High Colonic: Jewish religious holiday.
Hospital: An unknown person ejecting saliva.
Immune: Congressional perk.
Impotent: Distinguished; well known.
Infection: Russians coming to the U.S.
Intense pain: Torture in a teepee.
Intestines: Beta version of forks.
Jaundice: To include in a group.
Jaw: A shark without as much teeth.
Joint: A location or place.
Kinesthetics: A relationship towards relatives.
Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.
Laceration: Dainty material allotment.
Leper: A wild cat.
Lesbian: Person from the Middle East.
Lesion: A unit of Roman Army.
Loin: Not fat.
Lymph: A special Fairy.
Lymph Node: Where special Fairy lives.
Major Operation: A job for the Major.
Malaria: Several shopping Stores.
Mammogram: A telegram to Mom.
Manic Depressive: A man pressed down to the floor.
Medical Staff: Doctor’s cane.
Medicare: A partial care.
Meningitis: Getting a Man.
Menstrual cycle: Bloody vehicle for men.
Menstruation: Male Model display.
Midwife: Second wife in three marriages.
Migraine: Not your wheat.
Minor Operation: Coal digging.
Miscarriage: Firing a Rifle and missing a target.
Morbid: Higher offer.
Mucus: Not quite in focus.
Nitrate: Cheaper than a day rate.
Node: Was aware of.
Organic: Musical.
Orgasm: Person who accompanies the church choir.
Outpatient: Person who has fainted.
Ovaries: French egg dish made with cheese.
Papsmear: Fatherhood
Tablet: A small table.
Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.
Testicles: Sucking sacks found on an octopus.
Tibia: Country in North Africa.
Tumor: More than one.
Ultrasound: A loud noise.
Umbilical Cord: Part of a parachute.
Urine: Opposite of “You’re Out.”
Vagina: Heart trouble.
Varicose: Near by.
Varicose Veins: Veins very close to each other.
Vein: Conceited.
Weak: Seven days.
Zit: Dog Command.
Submitted by blueindiansquaw
Edited by Curtis
A Day at the Circus
A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy piped up, “Mom, what’s that long thing on the elephant?”
“That’s the elephant’s trunk, dear,” she replied.
“No, not that.”
“Oh, that’s the elephant’s tail.”
“No, Mom. Down underneath.”
His mother blushed and said, “Oh, that’s nothing.”
Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question. “That’s the elephant’s trunk, son.”
“Dad, I know what an elephant’s trunk is. The thing at the other end.”
“Oh, that’s the elephant’s tail.”
“No. Down there.”
The father took a good look and explained, “That’s the elephant’s penis.”
“Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?”
The man took a deep breath and replied, “Son, I’ve spoiled that woman.”
Who gets the Egg
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen’s eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman’s garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.
The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, “In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up; whoever gets up quicker wins the egg.”
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts, howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, “Now it’s my turn to kick you.”
The Scotsman said, “Keep the damn egg.”