Tuns of PunsGalore – Part II

I was having coffee at the golf course when I saw a large amount of black sediment in the bottom of the cup. So I called the grounds keeper.

My church accepts any denomination. But they prefer tens and twenties.

Q: What kind of engine do they use in golf carts?
A: Fore cyclinder.

I say a dermatologist about a nasty red patch on my skin. I asked it would get better, but he said he didn’t want to make any rash promises.

An univeristy student fell in love, and dropped out of school to marry her young love. She wrote to her parents to say that she had put the heart before the course.

I witnessed a robbery in a fabric factory and immediately called the police. They caught the culprit and held me as a material witness.

Support your right to bare arms! Wear short sleeves!

When a ladder was stolen from a store, the manager said that further steps would be taken.

People who talk about false gods are engaged in idol gossip.

A good carpenter will do his work and then varnish without a trace.

Words From Washington Post, some new some old

The Washington Post asked readers for alternate meanings for various words. Readers had these suggestions:Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.Carcinoma (n.) a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.Willy-nilly (adj.) impotentFlabbergasted (adj) appalled over how much weight you have gained.Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.Gargoyle (n.) an olive-flavored mouthwash.Bustard (n.) a very rude Metrobus driver.Coffee (n.) a person who is coughed upon.Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.Marionettes (n.) residents of Washington who have been jerked around by the mayor.Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.Circumvent (n.) the opening in the front of boxer shorts.The Washington Post also asked readers to alter a word by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent items:Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn’t get it.Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.Frisbatarianism: The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like a serious bummer.Glibido: All talk and no action.Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.And, best of all…Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

Caminando por la calle, Manolo

Caminando por la calle, Manolo se encuentra a Venancio, a quien ve muy bien vestido, pero lo que m�s llama su atenci�n son las botas que calza:

“Hombre, Venancio, �qu� bonitas botas! �De qu� son?”

“Ah, son de cocodrilo”.

Al otro d�a, Manolo estaba dispuesto a tener unas botas de cocodrilo, por lo que se mete al r�o con su machete en busca de uno. Cuando lo encuentra, la bestia y �l empiezan a pelear; despues de un rato, sale Manolo con el animal; lo tira al suelo; lo mira con asombro y enojo y exclama:

“�Maldita sea, �ste no tra�a botas!”

Sex drive

An aged patient doddered into the doctor’s office with a serious complaint.

“Doc, you’ve got to do something to lower my sex drive.”

“Come on now Mr. Peters,” the doctor said. “Your sex drive’s all in your head.”

“That’s what I mean, you’ve got to lower it a little.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Titanic vs. Clinton

Which video should I buy?

Help me out here.

TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.

CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.

CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.

CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist.

TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined.

CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.

CLINTON VIDEO: Let’s not go there.

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

CLINTON VIDEO: Monica’s forced to return her gifts.

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

CLINTON VIDEO: Monica doesn’t remember Jack.

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

CLINTON VIDEO: Monica…uh, never mind.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.

CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary

The boy on the bus

the bus driver saw little johnny waiting on the bus stop as the bus driver opened the doors johnny climed into the bus and sat right next to the bus driver and said “if my dad was a bull and my mommy was a cow i would be a little bull”.the bus driver looked at him and nodded, then johnny went on and on and on finally the bus driver got agitated and said if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitutte what would you get?little johnny looked up and said a busdriver