Author: admin

10 Things to do with AOL disks

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[For the occasional hermit out there without a mail drop, America Online has been distributing “10 Hours Free” disks like crazy. They come with magazines, they come by themselves, they are attached to trade journals etc. I have about ten of them now. I have never expressed an interest in AOL but these disks keep mounting up.]

Collect two solar masses worth and detonate the sun.

Activate each account with a different cartoon character name like Bullwinkle, Barney Rubble, Tasmanian Devil, etc. See if you run out of names before you run out of disks.

Activate the disks one at a time. For each disk you activate, download enough files to fill up the reformatted activation disk. Don’t stop until you have downloaded all data AOL has to offer. Use remaining unactivated disks for backup of downloaded data.

Get 1000 people to all activate all of their disks at the same time. Monitor trade journals to see which disk storage manufacturer gets AOL’s order for new multi-terabyte drive to hold subscriber data base.

Tile your bathroom with your collection. Submit picture of bathroom to GQ (Geek Quarterly) magazine.

Donate disks to charity. Tell IRS that each disk contains $10 worth of software. Use resulting deductions to buy Lichtenstein.

Call the FBI and tell them that these disks are made from refined uranium and homes across the country will begin exploding as soon as they reach critical mass.

Activate all of your disk simultaneously using different ID’s. Making effective use of mail forwarding and distribution lists, bring AOL to a screeching halt by creating, sending, forwarding and reforwarding the following message among the various accounts: “Stop sending these f*****g disks.”

Erase all disks, put new labels on them and resell them as new. Retire at age 43.

Start pyramid scheme with chain letter that tells recipient to mail 1 disk to each of the five people listed in the letter and to send the letter to five more people.

Redneck Valentine

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A Redneck Valentine …author unknown

Collards is green my dog’s name is Blue and he’s all I know of that’s purdier than you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze Softer than Blue’s and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain’t got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo’re as satisfy’n as okry jist a-fry’n in the pan Yo’re as fragrant as “snuff” right out of the can.

You have som’a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we’re in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I’m in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yo’re there fer yore man, to patch up life’s troubles and fix what you can.

Yo’re as cute as a junebug a-buzzin’ overhead. You ain’t mean like them far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete; Ain’t nuttin’ I lack. Yore complexion, it’s perfection, like the best vinyl sidin’. despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin’.

Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine’s Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, it’s romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger. “That’s awsum,” I say. Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market stand.
“Diamonds are forever,” they explain, proud an’ grand.

But for this man, honey, these gifts jus’ won’t do. Cause yo’re far too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds… IT’S A NEW TROLLIN’ MOTOR!!

Horse & Chicken

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A horse and chicken were playing near a pit when the horse falls
in. The Horse says, “Help, Help, go get the farmer!” The chicken
says, “I’ve got a better idea.” So the chicken goes and gets the
truck and pulls out the horse.

The next day the horse and chicken were playing by the pit and
this time, the chicken falls in and says, “Help, Help go get he
truck!” The horse says, “Now I’ve got a better idea. Grab my
dick and I’ll pull you out.” So the chicken grabs hold of the
horse’s dick and the horse pulls out the chicken.

The moral of the store is if the have a big dick you don’t need
a truck to pick up chicks!

Va un hombre al m�dico,

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Va un hombre al m�dico, y �ste le dice:

“Oiga, que me duelen los cojones.”

Y el m�dico, tan asustado, dice:

“Un poco de respeto, mejor diga que le duelen los concejales. Pero bueno, yo le recetar� una medicina para el dolor.”

A los dos d�as vuelve al m�dico y le dice:

“Oiga, �c�mo van los concejales?”

Y con un suspiro de resignaci�n dice el t�o:

“Los concejales van bien, pero el alcalde no levanta cabeza.”

Una se�ora tuvo un hijo

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Una se�ora tuvo un hijo y le dijo a la enfermera, “Se�ora, puedo ver a mi beb�.”

Le dice la enfermera, “Pero su hijo no tiene piernas.”

“No importa, d�jemelo ver.”

“Pero su hijo no tiene brazos.”

“No importa, d�jemelo ver.”

“Pero su hijo no tiene cuerpo.”

“No importa, d�jemelo ver.”

Entonces se fue la enfermera por el beb� y le trae una oreja a la mam� y la mam� dice, “Mi amor de los corazones.”

Y le dice la enfermera, “H�blele m�s duro que es un poco sordo…”

Buckwheat & Darla

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Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla, “How do you spell ‘dumb’?”Darla says, “D-u-m-b, dumb.”The teacher says, “Very good, now use it in a sentence.”She says, “Buckwheat is dumb.”The teacher says, “Now spell ‘stupid’.”Darla says, “S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid.”The teacher says, “Very good, now use it in a sentence.”Darla says, “Buckwheat is stupid.”Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, “Buckwheat, spell dictate.”Buckwheat stands and says, “D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate.”The teacher says, “Very good, now use it in a sentence.””I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!”