Yours Fun Portal !
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper.
He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won’t eat it if they know what it is – so he does not tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, “What’s for supper?”
“You’ll see”, says his dad.
They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they’re eating.
“Ok,” says her dad, “here’s a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me.”
“We’re eating asshole!!”, she screams.
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, ‘Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.”Dear,’ the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, ‘I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!’
Guy comes into work one morning and tells his buddy boy I feel like shit today.
Buddy says what’s wrong?
Guy says got drunk last night went home and blew chunks.
Buddy says nothing wrong with that.
Guy says yes there is.. Got a dog named chunks.
A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, “Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.”
“Well, how much does a brain cost?” asked the relatives.
“For a male brain, $500,000.
For a female brain, $200,000,” replied the doctor.
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.
But the patient’s daughter was unsatisfied and asked, “Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?”
“Standard pricing practice,” said the doctor.
“Women’s brains have to be marked down because they’ve actually been used.
Seisline prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for thou knowest we will never change our minds.
Gena is such a good wife. Why, just let her husband get home late at night and as soon as he enters the door, he gets his pipe, slippers, pajamas, robe, book, dinner, and if anything else is handy, she heaves that at him, too.
Yo momma so ugly, that when she was born, the doctor said, “next time, the
bathroom is over there.”
Yo momma stinks so bad that she makes Right Gaurd turn left, Sure
confused, and Ultra Dry wet.
Yo momma so poor that when she orders a large pizza she has to eat it
outside of the house.
When yo momma was born the doctor said immidiatly, “Yes, you must keep
her.”
When yo momma farts, everybody listens.
Your mammas so old that your when your mom went to se your grandpa after your grandma died he said there you are.
An elderly spinster called the lawyer’s office and told thereceptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a willprepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, “You must understand, I’ve lived alone all mylife, I rarely see anyone, and I don’t like to go out. Would itbe possible for the lawyer to come to my house?”The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he wentto the spinster’s home for the meeting to discuss her estate andthe will.The lawyer’s first question was, “Would you please tell me whatyou have in assets and how you’d like them to be distributedunder your will?”She replied, “Besides the furniture and accessories you see here,I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank.””Tell me,” the lawyer asked, “how would you like the $40,000 tobe distributed?”The spinster said, “Well, as I’ve told you, I’ve lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I’d like them to notice when I pass on. I’d like to provide $35,000 for my funeral.”The lawyer remarked, “Well, for $35,000 you will be able to havea funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lastingimpression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me,” he continued, what would you like to do with theremaining $5,000?”The spinster replied, “As you know, I’ve never married, I’ve lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I’ve never slept with a man. I’d like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me.””This is a very unusual request,” the lawyer said, adding, “butI’ll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you.”That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about theeccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking abouthow much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with abit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, “I’ll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you’re finished.”The next morning, she drove him to the spinster’s house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn’t come out. So she blew the car horn.Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck hishead out and yelled, “Pick me up tomorrow, she’s going to let theCounty bury her!”
Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks
10. Her term of affection for you is “You Bastard.”
9. She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep.
8. She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings, and puts it down with a hushed, “I can’t talk now… I’ll call you later.”
7. Your picture on her wall has darts in it.
6. She reads books like “Women are From Venus, Men Are Complete Assholes.”
5. She falls asleep during sex. The oral kind. While she’s giving it.
4. When you call her, she answers your voice with, “Oh. It’s only you.”
3. She cancels your date because she has to clean out the septic tank.
2. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program.
And the Number One Sign Your Relationship Is On The Rocks…
1. Her cat pees on you. And receives a reward.
Abraham Lincoln, Bill Clinton, and George Washington were all on an airplane
looking out the door. George Washington says, ” I’m going to make somebody
happy” then throws a $20 out of the plane. Bill Clinton says, “I’m going to make
two people happy” then throws 2 $20’s out of the plane. Abraham Lincoln says,
“I’m going to make everybody happy” and throws Bill Clinton out of the plane.
A gentleman and his wife are speeding down the highway when a state trooper pulls them over. “I’m sorry, sir, but I clocked you speeding at 75 mph. I’ll have to give you a ticket.”
“No way, officer,” says the guy, “I was watching my speedometer closely, and I never exceeded 55 mph.”
“Oh, honey,” says the wife, “you were going 75, I saw the speedometer.”
“Be quiet, woman,” he responds.
“Also,” continued the trooper, “I’ll have to give you a ticket for not wearing your seat belt.”
“But, officer,” he responded, “I ALWAYS wear my seat belt. I just took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license and insurance card from the glove compartment.”
“Oh, honey,” his wife continued, “you never wear your seat belt, and you weren’t wearing it today, either.”
“Shut-up!” he yelled.
“Excuse me, ma’am,” said the trooper, “But does he always talk to you this way?”
“No, sir — only when he’s drunk.”