These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.104. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously “recover.” Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, “Oooh, are you dying?”
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Blondes and the painter.
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out “GREEN SIDE UP! “In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!” The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.
In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!”
The lady then asked him, “Why do you keep yelling ‘green side up’?”
“I’m sorry,” came the reply. “But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.”
No Tissue
Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when the
blond guy turned to the other and said he needed to go to the
bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behind the
bushes. When he came back the other said, “That was fast.”
“Well I need to take a shit but I’ve got nothing to wipe my ass
with.”
The other answers, “That’s easy just go on back, pull out a
dollar, and wipe your ass with it.”
“O.K.” he says as he goes back over to the bush. Later he comes
back with a really upset look on his face and shit all over his
hands and says, “That was a terrible idea. Not only did I get
shit all over me, I’ve got 4 quarters stuck up my ass!”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Ghent!Ghent who!Ghent out
Knock KnockWho’s there?Ghent!Ghent who!Ghent out of here!
More Things Not To Hear in Surgery
1: NO! That doesn’t go there!
2: NURSE : Are you new here?
SURGEON: No, but I did stay at a holiday INN express last
night.
3: Damn. Where did I drop that scalpel?
4: Who’s making a potato?
5: Was that not supposed to be cut?
6: We have to zap this, QUICK!
7: HEY! His liver is NOT a toy!
8: Oh shit.
9: Did he sign the donor card? No. Get the bag.
10: Uh oh. Where did my crystal glass piece go?
At the Bull acution.
This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:
“A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.”
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments,
“See! That was more than 5 times a month!”
The second bull is to be sold: “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.”
Again the wife bugs her husband, “Hey, that’s some 10 times a month.
What do YOU say to that?!”
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale: “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!”
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells,
“That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!”
The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, “Sure, once a day!
But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!”
Sailor needs a hobby
A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be
stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a
year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he
wrote her a letter.
” My love,” he wrote ” we are going to be apart for a very long time.
Already I’m starting to miss you and there’s really not much to do here in
the evenings. Besides that we’re constantly surrounded by young attractive
native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not
tempted? “
So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, “why don’t you learn to play
this?”
Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife.
“Darling” he said, “I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we make
passionate love!”
“First let’s see you play that harmonica!”
Aged Mother
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says “not yet.”
A little later they ask to see the baby again.
Again the mother says “not yet.”
Finally they say, “When can we see the baby!?”
And the mother says, “You’ll have to wait until the baby cries.”
And they ask, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”
The new mother says, “because I forgot where I put it!”
Hair on your Twinkie
A young girl is sitting in a barber shop with her mother, eating a Twinkie,
and anxiously awaiting her first hair cut. When her turn comes, she brings her
Twinkie with her to the chair, and the barber covers her. Soon, she pulls the
Twinkie out for a bite.
� You’re getting hair on your Twinkie,” the barber playfully warns.
“Yes, I know,” replies the girl. “And I’m getting boobs, too.”
Pepito estaba en su cuarto
Pepito estaba en su cuarto viendo una pel�cula mexicana donde escuchaba muchas malas palabras, y como �l no sab�a el significado de ninguna iba a preguntarle a su mam� y ella con mucha flojera, leyendo una revista, le contestaba lo primero que se le ocurr�a.
“�Mam�! �mam�! �qu� significa pinche?”
“Tus t�os, hijo, tus t�os, o sea los hermanos de tu pap�.”
“�Mam�! �mam�! �qu� significa cabrones?”
“Los sillones hijo, los sillones.”
“�Mam�! �mam�! �qu� significa pendejo?”
“Mmmmhhhhh… tu pap� hijo, tu pap�.”
Entonces tocan la puerta los t�os de pepito y �l abre y al verlos le dice:
“Pasen pinches, si�ntense en los cabrones que hay viene el pendejo.”
The Laws of Work…
The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back.
If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.”
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.
If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
vampire
Q:WHAT DID ONE LESBIAN VAMPIRE SAY TO THE OTHERA:ILL SEE YOU NEXT MONTH 🙂