Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
To keep from bruising their ears.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Author: admin
Two Canadians
Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.
Mike:”I have an idea,” said Mike. “We’ll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.”
“Rob:What, do you think I’m stupid? I have an idea. I’ll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.”
Miike:”What, do you think I’m stupid? You’ll just turn off the flashlight when I’m halfway there.”
More Computer Viruses!
DANGER: new viruses discovered!:
Congressional Virus v 2.0 : Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.
Tipper Gore Virus : When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.
Government Ecomomist Virus : Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order Virus : Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Warren Commission Virus : Won’t allow you to open your files for 75 years.
David Duke Virus : Makes your screen go completely white.
Pat Buchanan Virus : Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
Texas Virus : Makes sure it’s bigger than any other file.
Adam And Eve Virus : Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Warren Beatty Virus : Constantly tries to prove it’s virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.
Airline Virus : You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Freudian Virus : Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS Virus : Your PC stops what it’s doing every few minutes to ask for money.
Jimmy Hoffa Virus : Nobody can find it.
Kevorkian Virus : Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.
Healthcare Virus : Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends a you a bill for $4,500.
LAPD Virus : It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defence”.
Billy Graham Virus : When you save a file, it prints, “I am saved!” to the screen.
Michael Jackson Virus : Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This Virus won’t harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
And finally…
JokeGalore.com Virus : poses as a harmless list of funny computer Virus names! Is quickly passed from one user to all other users known via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources.
Atheist Riddle
What does an atheist say when she’s having an orgasm?”Darwin! Oh, Darwin!”
Juan y Mar�a han sido
Juan y Mar�a han sido novios desde la secundaria pero nunca han hecho el amor.
“Tenemos que esperar a que nos casemos,” sugiere la chica.
As� que �l espera. Tienen 3 a�os de compromiso y, finalmente, el gran d�a llega. Pero, en la noche de bodas Mar�a sale del ba�o y le informa:
“Malas noticias: tengo la menstruaci�n y no quiero que nuestra primera vez est� manchada de sangre”.
“Est�s bromeando”, dice Juan esperanzado.
“Tendremos que esperar un poco m�s”.
Y Mar�a se va a dormir. Se despierta a las 3 de la madrugada para beber algo; de regreso a la cama advierte que Juan est� con los ojos totalmente abiertos mirando al techo.
“Eso no sirve de nada, Juan, es mejor que te duermas”.
“Lo har�a, pero mi pene est� tan erecto que no queda piel suficiente para que pueda cerrar los ojos”.
Hard of Hearing Genie
OK, so a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks “whats in the box”.
The man says “I’ll show ya’ if you get me a beer.”
So of course the bar tender gets the man a beer, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano. The little man starts playing the piano!
Next the bar tender asks “hey! thats prety cool, where did ya’ get that?”
The man says” I’ll tell ya’ if you get me another beer.” So the bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and he says “I got it from a geenie and a lamp”
The bar tender says “If ya’ let me barrow that geenie and that lamp I’ll give ya’ another beer.”
The man says “Oh, Okay!”
The bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bar tender the lamp.
The bar tender rubs the lamp and the geenie pops out!
The geenie says “Master, I grant you one wish, what is it?”
The bar tender says “I wish for a million bucks!!!” And all of a sudden a million ducks start flying into the room. “What the heck is this!!! I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!!!”
And the man says “Well did you think I wished for a 12 inched pianist!”
Road Trip
One afternoon, this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and
relax. On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on
the side of the highway gestures for him to stop.
The first guy rolls down the window and says, “How can I help you?”
“I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?”
With a smile in his face, the first guy hands a sandwich to the guy in red and
drives away. Not even five minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy
is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving for him to stop.
A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and says, “What can I
do for you?”
“I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink?”
Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of Coke and stomps
on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before
sunset, he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what.
To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road, this one
dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, our guy decides to
stop one last time, rolls down his window, and yells, “Let me guess. You’re the
blue jerk of the highway, and just what the hell do you wanna have?”
“Driver’s license and registration, please.”
Lawyer jokes
1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps.
They weren’t working…. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.
2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
3. How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
4. How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.
5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you
(A) Go to lunch, or (B) read the newspaper?
8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? ‘Senator.’
11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? ‘Your Honor.’
12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.
14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Don’t know. (There are some things a pig just won’t do.)
15. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
16. What’s another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wing tips.
17. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, while New
Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.
18. What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.
Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Curtis
Religious
Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, “Ya know,
since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at
church. I’ve tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them
away. Another said, “Yea, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in
the attic. I’ve even had the place fumigated, and they won’t go away.” The third
said, “I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church… Haven’t seen
one back since!”
The National Institutes of Health
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be
using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys.
They have given three reasons for this decision:
1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2. The medical researchers don’t become as emotionally attached to the
attorneys as they did to the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won’t do.
Man with no arms.
One day, a man with no arms walked into the bathroom. Another man that was in there, asked, “I don’t mean to be rude sir, but how to you go to the bathroom with no arms?”
The guys with no arms replied, “Well I need a little help, could you unzip my pants?”
The other guys reluctantly says, “sure”.
The guy with no arms says, “I need a little more help than that, I need some aim.
Would you mind?”
The guy, very reluctant to do it this time said, “Sure, I guess”.
When the guy pulled out the mans penis, there was red pustules and blisters and hair all over it. The man preceded to help the man out.
When the man with no arms was finished. The other man asked him,
“I don’t mean to be rude, but what was all over your penis?”
The man then replied, as he pulled his arms out his shirt, –
“I don’t know but I sure as hell ain’t touching it!”
Woman
Creature who acts nice to you because she doesn’t
like you, or mean, because she does.