Electrocute

These three guys go down to Mexico one night and get drunk and
wake up in jail. They found out that they are to be executed for
their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if
he has any last words. He says, “I am from the Baylor School of
Divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene
on behalf of the innocent.”

They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God
must not want this guy to die, so they let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. “I am
from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the
eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the
innocent.”

The switch is thrown and again nothing happens. They figure that
the law is on this guy’s side, so they let him go.

The last one is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m a fighting
Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I’ll tell you right now
you’ll never electrocute anybody if you don’t connect those two
wires.”

The Dr. Seuss Purity Test

Have you done it on a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?

Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?

Have you done it in the ass?
Have you done it, high on grass?

Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?

Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?

Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?

Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?

Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than three?

Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?

Have you done it ‘tween the tits?
Have you done it wearing mitts?

Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?

Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?

Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a sturgeon?

Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?

Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?

Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?

Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it on a log?

Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it with the lamps?

Have you done it without style?
Have you done it for all to see?
Have you ever had VD?

Have you done it on Mother’s couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?

Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?

Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?

Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?

Have you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?

Answer these and count your “no”s, pray this number never grows;
Fifty questions we asked thee, score times two is your Purity.

Plain English

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”

“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Cider

A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a small
cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider.

“Why do you want cider?” asked Mom.

“To take the pain away, ” sobbed the little girl.

Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass.

The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.

“It doesn’t work!” she yelled.

“What do you mean?” asked Mom.

“Well, ” sniffed the little girl, “I overheard my sister say that whenever she
gets a prick in her hand, she can’t wait to get it in cider.”

Knock Knock 167

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Soup!
Soup who?
Superman!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Snow!
Snow who?
Snow use, I’ve forgotten my key again!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Spain!
Spain who?
Spain to have to keep knocking on this door!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Spider!
Spider who?
Spider what everyone says. I like you!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Spillane!
Spillana who?
Spillane that Knock Knock joke!

Promotion

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnite, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.
An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

“So, what is it?” grumbled the governor.

“Judge Garber has just died” said the attorney, “and I want to take his place.”

Replied the governor: “Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the undertaker.”

3 Guys in Heaven

Three guys die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says, “I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife?”
The guy answers, “Yes, I’ve never even looked at another women.”

St.Peter says, “See that Rolls-Royce over there? That’s your car to drive while you’re in heaven.”

The second guy gets the same question, and answers, “Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out.”

St. Peter says, “See that new Buick over there, that’s your car to use in heaven.”

The third guy answers the same question, “I have to admit, I’ve chased every girl I saw, and was with a lot of women.”

St. Peter says, “Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while you’re in heaven.

The three guys go off on their separate ways.

A few weeks later, guy #2 and guy #3 are driving along when they see guy #1’s Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar andfind guy #1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in is hands on the bar.

They come up to him and guy #2 says, “Bud, what could possibly be so bad-you’re in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!”

He says, “I saw my wife today!”

The other two answer, “That’s great! What’s the problem?”

He answers, “She was riding a skateboard!”

Un �rabe atraviesa el desierto

Un �rabe atraviesa el desierto montado en su camello. Despu�s de tantos d�as viajando ya quer�a tener sexo. Por lo que a cada rato mira hacia atr�s, para ver el trasero del camello y profiere:

“Mmmm, me tengo que coger a ese camello”.

Un rato despu�s, vuelve a mirar el trasero del camello y exclama:

“Mmmm, ahorita me lo voy a coger”.

Pero no lo hizo, y a los 5 minutos insiste:

“�Ya no me aguanto m�s, carajo!”

Se baja del camello y lo empieza a abrir de patas. El camello no se deja y, despu�s de tanto luchar para abrirlo de patas, el �rabe qued� rendido.

Casualmente, pasa por ah� una rubia de ojos azules en su coche �ltimo modelo. De improviso, el coche tiene una falla mec�nica y la mujer tiene que detenerse. Se acerca al moro y le ofrece que si �l pudiese componer su coche, a cambio ella har�a lo que �l quiera.

El �rabe responde que s� y, al poco tiempo, deja el coche como nuevo. Entonces, la dama se acerca a �l y le dice:

“Ahora s�, har� lo que t� quieras”.

Contento, el morisco responde: “�Lo que yo quiera?”

“�S�, s�, lo que t� quieras!”

“Pero, �est�s segura?”, insiste el beduino.

“�Claro que estoy segura!”

“Entonces, �ay�dame a abrir de patas al camello!”

Twenty-one

A brunette was doing jumping jacks on a railroad track shouting twenty-one repeatedly. A blonde walks by and said, “Wow, that looks fun, could I try?” The brunette stepped aside and watched the blonde. Then, the train came by and smashed her. The blonde then got back on to the track and began shouting, twenty-two repeatedly