It’s Saturday morning and John’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. “Hello?” says a little girl’s voice. “Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says John.”Is Mommy near the phone?” “No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred.” After a brief pause, John says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Fred, honey!” “Yes, I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!” “Okay, then. Here’s what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car’s just pulled up outside the house.” “Okay, Daddy!” A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.”Well, I did what you said, Daddy.” “And what happened?” “Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she’s all dead.” “Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?” “He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he’s dead too.” There is a long pause. “Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?”
Author: admin
I don’t think, therefore I
I don’t think, therefore I am not.
Hunny Bee
Where does a male bee keep his stinger at during the night? In his hunny!
Sleeping with the Se
Mr. Briggs spent the night in his secretary�s apartment. He woke up at three in the morning.”My God!” he shouted, “My wife is going to kill me!” Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone and called his wife.”Honey!” he began, “Don�t pay the ransom. I escaped!”
There is never time to
There is never time to do it right, but there’s always time to do it over.
Bad Thoughts
A couple were celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary at their home.
Everyone was having a great time except for the wife who sat off in a corner with a tear in her eye. The family attorney came over to her and asked what was wrong. The wife told him, “Remember when we first got married and I told you that I couldn’t stand him after about a month into the marriage? I really hated him at the time.”
“Yeah, I remember those trying times.” replied the attorney.
“I absolutely positively hated him. I even had bad thoughts of killing him, remember?”
“Yes, I do.”
“But you kept telling me to get rid of those thoughts. You said that I would get up to thirty years for such a crime.”
“That was a long time ago though. Why are you so sad now?”
“Because…I could have been a free woman by now!”
Embarrassing Situations!
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other
end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and
asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?” To
which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with
you tonight!” By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is
hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a
few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and
says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in
psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.” To
which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200!”
Q: How many quantum
Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: One: of course. Two to do it, and -1 to renormalise the wave-function. (Explanation – Renormalising the wave function is something that has to be done to a lot of quantum physics calculations to stop the answer being infinity and makes the answer always come out as one.)
Moon or Sun?
There was two guys that came out of a bar.
One looked up and said, “That’s the moon.”
The other one said, “No it’s not, that’s the sun.”
They were arguing back and fourth until a blonde came up to them.
They asked her what it was, and she said, “I don’t know. I’m not from around here.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Logical?
In a restroom at IBM’s Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it — “THINK!”
The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read — “THOAP!”
Ill Repute
While Bill, Hillary and Chelsea were vacationing at Camp David the housekeeper
was tasked with looking after their pet parrot. They hadn’t been gone for more
than a couple of days when the parrot was found dead in the bottom of its cage.
The housekeeper knew the first family would be desolate at the loss of one of
their family pets, so she set out to find a replacement bird and visited nearly
every pet store in Washington. After nearly two days of looking non-stop, she
came across an almost exact duplicate of the bird.
As she purchased the parrot, the shop owner cautioned her that the bird had
previously been owned by a Madam and had lived for several years in a house of
ill-repute. The housekeeper replied that no one would ever know and she took
the bird back to the White House.
The morning after the Clintons return to the White House, Chelsea walked
through the room and the bird said, �Too young.”
A little later Hillary came into the room and the bird responded with, “Too
old.”
Late that afternoon the President entered the room and the bird said, “HI,
BILL!”
Q: How many Dixons
Q: How many Dixons assistants does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Err. Nahh, it’s MEANT to go dark after a few weeks. It’s a new fangled addition. It’s been developed by, er, (etc…)