A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.”I’ve got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?””I should let you know first that I am a policeman.””That’s OK. I’ll tell it really slow!”
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Un Argentino se encuentra con
Un Argentino se encuentra con otro, que es su conocido, entonces le pregunta:
“Che, �ten�s un encededor?”
“Esperate busco”, responde el otro y empieza a buscar en los bolsillos del pantalon, en el de la camisa, los bosillos del saco y sigue toc�ndose mientras le contesta al otro:
“Mmm che, parece que no tengo encendedor… �pero que bueno estoy!
Yo mama is so greasy
Yo mama so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid!
Don’t go hungry
Three generations of prostitutes were on vacation and discussing their profession when the youngest mentioned how upset she was that she was only recieving $100 dollars to give a blow job. Her mother then told her of how about 25 yrs. earlier she herself had only been getting $50 dollars for a blow job. The grand mother, after hearing all of this pipes up and says, “I remember back during the Great Depression, we were just happy to get something warm in our stomach!”
Q: How many bureaucrats
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: None, we contract out for things like that.
Coach Trip
Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and the other one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level.
The brunette team down below is whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn’t hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them.
The brunette says, “What is going on up here? We’re having a great time downstairs!”
One of the blondes says, “Yeah, but you’ve got a driver!”
The three nuns
there were three nuns waiting at the gates of hevan.
St jhon who was standing there said this is the time to confess your sins and i promise you will be forgiven.
so the first nun walks up and says ive been dreadful,yesterday i robbed a bank, what should i do?
st jhon replied go drink from the holy water then i shall let you pass into hevan
so she went off
then the second nun walked up and said ive been terrible, i slept with a man last night, what shall i do?
go and drink from the holy water said jhon
then the final nun walked up and said ive been absoutly dreadful
what did you do, said jhon
i….er…peed in the holy water
5 other things to do in an elevator
1.step in(after doors have opened)
2.press required level
3.avoid getting in with fat people(if there are any talk the
stairs)
4.avoid eye contact( or you will be thought gay)
5. step out
Spare Key
One day a husband was chiding his beautiful blonde wife about leaving her keys in the ignition of her car.
“If I take them out of the car I lose them,” she reasoned.
“Yes dear, but what if someone steals your car?” the husband countered.
“Oh that’s okay,” the wife chirped happily, “I keep a spare key in the glove box!”
Real personal ads
Actual personal ads from actual newspapers: I like driving around with my two cats, especially on the freeway. I make them wear little hats so that I can use the carpool lane. Way too much time on your hands too? Call me. SWF, 42, 5’10”, brown/blue. I want a man with a BIG heart, BIG hands, BIG feet, who is ready to enjoy BIG aspects of a playful woman. Fat, flatulent, over-40, cigar-smoking redneck seeks sexy woman with big hair to cook, clean and pick up unemployment checks.
Baseball heaven
Bob and Earl were best friends and had been for 50 years. They went to baseball games together and had the best time possible.
They truly loved the game but they always wondered if there was baseball in heaven and agreed that whoever died first had to call the other guy and tell them if there was baseball in heaven.
Then one night Earl died and then a few days later Bob went to his funeral and came home after the burial service.
Then the phone rang it was Earl.
Earl said,”Bob is this you”
Bob said,”Yes, Earl how are you doing and is there baseball in heaven?”
Earl said,”Well I’ve got some good news and some bad news.”
Bob said, “Whats the good news?”
Earl said, “Well there is baseball in heaven and you can play with Babe Ruth and everybody its great”
Bob said, “Then what’s the bad news?”
Earl said, “Well Bob, your starting pitching tommorow night!”
New Golfer
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try
the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing
whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just
hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the
green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
“Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.
After he was able to speak again the pro finally said, “Uh . . . you’re
supposed to hit the ball into the cup.”
“Oh great! NOW you tell me,” said the beginner in a disgusted tone.