A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex. To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person’s smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex. The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear.”Twice a day,” the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no.”Once a day, then?” Again the answer was no.”Twice a week?” “No.” “Twice a month?” “No.” When the doctor asked, “Once a year?” the man finally said yes. The therapist was angry that his theory hadn’t worked with this individual, and he asked the man, “What the heck are you so happy about?” The man answered, “TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT!”
Author: admin
Sick as a Dog
A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash. She sits down at the bar next to Mike.Mike, being a more than a little drunk rolls around, leans over, and “Splat! ” He pukes all over the dog. He looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of vomit, and slurs, “I don’t remember eating that!”
Birds on the Roof
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were sitting around discussing the
pigeon problem. Each house of worship was being over run with pigeons on
the roofs. The minister said “I tried to shoot them off, but they’d just
circle around and come back. The only damage it did was to put holes in my
roof.”
The rabbi said, “I tried to smoke the pigeons off my roof, but all that
happened was the roof caught fire.”
The priest then told the others that he managed to get rid of the birds.
The others were amazed and asked what his secret was. “Well,” he said, “I
just baptized them, confirmed them, and I haven’t seen them since.”
Contest
Contest Requirements: To use the names Lewinsky and Kaczynski in a limerick.
Contestants’ Entries:
Entry # 1
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
‘Twas “Hail to the Chief”
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Entry # 2
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don’t want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chin sky.
Entry # 3
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice to be blown.
Entry # 4
There was a young girl called Lewinsky,
Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski
When on Kenneth Starr’s lap
She confided, when trapped,
“Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky.” *
* Nijinsky is a thoroughbred racehorse not to be confused with the ballet
dancer (whoa! ROFL, ever see pix of both????).
Wager
A deaf mute walks into a pharmacy to buy some condoms.
He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist and cannot see the condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, he finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.
The pharmacist looks at it, smacks down another five dollars, unzips his pants, lays his penis across from the deaf mute’s member, then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.
Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
“Look,” the pharmacist says, “if you can’t afford to lose, you shouldn’t bet.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Because women wouldn’t do them if they were called
Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn’t do them if they were called cant scrapes.
Tech Support Fun
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.”
The woman then responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”
Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?”
Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.”
Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.”
Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?”
Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”
Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.”
Tech Support: “Alright, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”
Customer: “No, it didn’t crash — it crashed.”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. Now it doesn’t work.”
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.'”
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”
Q: How many doctors
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Nurse!
dicipline your blind kid
how do you diciplie a blind kid?…………………..
You move the furniture around.
Sheakespeare
Blonde #1: Have you ever read Shakespeare?”
Blonde #2: No, who wrote it?”
Bad advice
“I hear you lost your court case. Did your lawyer give you bad advice?”
“No. He charged me for it.”
Indian Names
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
“Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named ‘Mighty Storm’?”
“Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.”
“Why is my sister named ‘Cornflower’?”
“Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her.”
“And why is my other sister called ‘Moonchild’?”
“We were watching the moonlanding while she was conceived.”
“Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”
OR………….
The young indian boy approached his father and asked “Father, how do we get our names?”
The father replied, “each teepee can use any method. I walk out on the morning of the child’s birth and name them after the first living thing I see. That’s why your older brother is named Running Bear. On your sister’s birth, I saw a small fawn and named her Little Fawn. But why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?”