Bad Thoughts

A couple were celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary at their home.

Everyone was having a great time except for the wife who sat off in a corner with a tear in her eye. The family attorney came over to her and asked what was wrong. The wife told him, “Remember when we first got married and I told you that I couldn’t stand him after about a month into the marriage? I really hated him at the time.”

“Yeah, I remember those trying times.” replied the attorney.

“I absolutely positively hated him. I even had bad thoughts of killing him, remember?”

“Yes, I do.”

“But you kept telling me to get rid of those thoughts. You said that I would get up to thirty years for such a crime.”

“That was a long time ago though. Why are you so sad now?”

“Because…I could have been a free woman by now!”

Eight Iron

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine.

He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves.

As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, “Jack, I’ve got trouble down here!”

“What’s the matter?” Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

“Bring me my wedge,” Joe shouted. “You can’t get out of here with an eight iron!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Dos maricas se detienen a

Dos maricas se detienen a la orilla de la carretera y uno de ellos penetra entre los arbustos con el fin de evacuar.

Despu�s de un rato, el sarasa regresa todo p�lido y afligido.

“�Pero qu� te pas�?”, le pregunta alarmado su compa�ero.

“Abort�”, responde compungido el afeminado.

“�Ay, tonta, no me espantes! �Nosotras no abortamos!”

“S�, ven, acomp��ame. �Mira sus manitas, mira sus ojitos…!”

“�Est�pida! �Te cagaste en un sapo!”

Signs that you are an Internet Junkie.

ADDICTED INTERNET JUNKIE!!!!

1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy—–for a year!!!!!

2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.

3. You see something funny and scream, “LOL, LOL.”

4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ……instead of ICU!

5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer…or put it in the bathroom.

7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car.

8. Tech support calls YOU for help.

9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can “hang out.”

10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.

11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

12. You say “he he he he” or “heh heh heh” instead of laughing.

13. You say “SCROLL UP” when someone asks what it was you said.

14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago.

15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.

17. You start to experience “withdrawal” after not being online for awhile.

18. You say…….”Where did the time go??”

19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.

20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

21. You end your sentences with…..three or more periods…….

22. You need to be pried from your computer by the jaws-of-life.

23. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this…. “BRB. Leave your S/N and I’ll TTYL…ASAP”.

24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ****kisses*****.

25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.

26. You’re on the phone and say “BRB”.

27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood-shot eyes.

28. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on instead.

Embarrassing Situations!

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other
end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and
asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?” To
which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with
you tonight!” By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is
hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a
few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and
says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in
psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.” To
which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200!”

Moon or Sun?

There was two guys that came out of a bar.

One looked up and said, “That’s the moon.”

The other one said, “No it’s not, that’s the sun.”

They were arguing back and fourth until a blonde came up to them.

They asked her what it was, and she said, “I don’t know. I’m not from around here.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

The Top 15 Signs Your Dog Is a Fascist

15> When at the off-leash dog park, only associates with blue-eyed purebred golden retrievers.

14> Has never been quite the same since he was rejected from art school.

13> Insists the the world banking industry is controlled by a cabal of cats.

12> He laughs at the prospects of a black Labrador winning any medals at the Berlin Dog Show.

11> Every time it passes by, he tries to invade the Poland Spring truck.

10> Constant tail-wagging stops abruptly every Martin Luther King Day.

9> He started burying bones right after your next-door neighbor, Mr. Cohen, disappeared.

8> When he walks by, the French poodles always roll over and surrender.

7> Understood the butterfly ballot perfectly, yet *still* voted for Buchanan.

6> She just annexed your favorite recliner again.

5> The cat’s been living in a secret room over the kitchen for the last two years.

4> Insists on being addressed as “Mein Fur-rer” or “Il Puce.”

3> Lays waste to the neighbor’s front yard with his dreaded “scheisskrieg” attack.

2> His favorite food? Goebbels ‘n Bits.

1> Say what you will, but that Chuckwagon always runs on time.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]