Author: admin

Guys take man home

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Two guys walk into a bar, and immediately they see someone fall right off his
stool, flat on his ass. So they pick him up, And being good Samaritans, decide
that this guy’s too drunk to walk by himself, and figure they should walk him
home.

So they stand him up and try to get him to walk, but he falls flat on his
face. They pick him up, and the guy’s feet are Dragging on the ground.

They go a couple of blocks and try to get him to walk again, but nope, he
falls flat on his face.

They get him to his apartment eventually, and try to get him to walk up the
stairs, but he falls again. So they drag him to His apartment, and knock on his
door.

The guy’s wife answers and says “Oh, thanks for bringing my husband back.
Where’s his wheelchair?”

Robber Old Enough to Drink

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Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a
shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After
the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told
the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and
said, “Because I don’t believe you are over 21.” The robber said
he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he
didn’t believe him. At this point the robber took his driver’s
license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk
looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and
he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store
with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave
the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.

The Snail

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A few years back, there was a depressed snail. He was sick of
always being last in lines and being passed up by all of the
other “fast” animals.

So, he went to a car dealership and bought a red mustang. After
purchasing the car, he took it straight to the body shop.

He told the detailer to paint a big “S” on the hood of the car.
You know why he did that?

Because he wanted the people who saw him driving the mustang to
say, “Look at that “S-Car-Go!”

Tips that your boss looks at

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Tips for Managers and Bosses

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and
then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10
minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better,
hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It
gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies,
don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a
paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which
is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really
have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets
out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to
be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them
down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use
confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no
right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am
plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions
will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could
really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and
it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like
the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check
you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals
SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a
cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.

Blind Pilots

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One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are
seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under
way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin
walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind.

The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as
he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have
their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of
practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and
the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among
themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.
Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer
and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and
more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a
sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and
at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to
the pilot: “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to
scream, and we’re gonna get killed!

Piss over your bar

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Two guys walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The barkeep comes over to them and asks, “What can I serve you gentlemen?”

One of them says to the barkeep, “I’ll bet you a pitcher of you finest beer that I can lick my eye.” The barkeep says, “I’ve had guys come in here that could lick their nose but never have I ever seen one that could lick his eye. I’ll take that bet.”

So the guy reaches up, pulls out his glass eye, licks it, and puts it back in his eye socket. The barkeep says, “Damn, you got me.” He brings the guys a pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar.

When that pitcher starts to get low the barkeep comes back and asks, “Are you gentlemen ready for another?” The same guy answers, “I’ll bet you another pitcher of your finest beer that I can bite my ear.”

The barkeep hesitates for a moment and looks at the guy’s left ear, his right ear, and says, “There’s no way you’ve got an artificial ear. I’ll take that bet.”

The guy reaches up, pulls out his false teeth, bites his ear with them, and puts them back in his mouth. The barkeep says, “Damn, you got me again.” He brings the guys another pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar.

A little later the betting guy is drunk, gets up and staggers over to the bar and lays a $100 bill on the bar saying, “I’ll bet you a hundred that I can pee and fill 10 shot glasses lined up on the bar with their rims touching without spilling a drop on the bar from 3 feet away.”

The barkeep says, “It’ll be worth $100 to see that so I bet you can’t do it.” He puts his own $100 on the bar, lines up 10 shot glasses and steps back.

The drunk whips it out and pees all over the shot glasses, the bar, and the floor.

The barkeep picks up the two $100 bills, gets out his towel and starts to wipe it up. He then notices the drunk is smiling and says, “I just made $100 so I’m smiling, you just lost $100, why are you smiling?”

The drunk says, you see they guy over there I’ve been drinking with all this time? I just bet him $1,000 that I could come over here, pee all over the bar, and that you’d wipe it up with a smile on your face.