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We Bulls

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There was a farmer who had a lot of live stock.

He had cows, horses, chickens, pigs, and bulls.

One day a terrible twister came and the man and his family were only saved by throwing themselves in the nearest ditch. After it was all over, he looked up to see that the house was gone.

Saddened by the loss, he went out to see if any of the animals had survived.

The horses, chickens, pigs, and cows were laid out flat but the bulls were standing!

The farmer was amazed and asked them, “How is it that all the other animals are down and you are still standing?”

The bulls replied, “We bulls wobble but we don’t fall down!”

Dirt Poor

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One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t you just go on and get lost.”
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this, let’s say we have a man making contest.”

To which the scientist replied, “OK, great!”

But God added, “Now, we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.”

The scientist said, “Sure, no problem” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God just looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!”

Government Policy: Snake Attack

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The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda,the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa constrictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and four hundred pounds at the maximum.
This is what the manual said:

1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.

2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another

3. Tuck your chin in.

4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.

5. Do not panic

6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and – always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic.

7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.

8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake’s mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake’s head.

9. Be sure you have your knife.

10. Be sure your knife is sharp.

Actual Business Signs In USA

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In the offices of a loan company: “Ask about our plans for owning your home.”

In a classified ad: “Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.”

In a New York medical building: “Mental Health Prevention Center”

On a New York convalescent home: “For the sick and tired of the Episcopal
Church.”

Outside a country shop: “We buy junk and sell antiques.”

In the window of an Oregon store: “Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you
can come here?”

In a classified ad: “Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of
aunts.”

Best Friend

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A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he’s okay.”No, I’m not,” the guy replies.”I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend.””Well,” asks the bartender, “what did you say to your wife?””Nothing. I’m not speaking to that bitch anymore.””Well, what did you say to your best friend?””BAD DOG! BAD DOG!”