Q. What does an aborigine call a sheet of corrugated iron?
A. A doona!
Author: admin
The Chain Letter of Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians
WITH CHARITY ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE
1. This epistle comes to you from Philippi. Grace be to you and peace. Spiritual gifts will be delivered unto you within four days of receiving this letter–providing you in turn send it on.
2. This is no joke. Send copies to whomsoever among the gentiles or superstitious peoples of other denominations you would comfort in all their tribulation. Do not send material things. Charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up.
3. While visiting the Household of Stephanas, a Macedonian proconsul received the epistle and was greeted by his brethren by a holy kiss. But he broke the chain, and now he is become as sounding brass or a tinkling cymbal
4. Gaius bestowed all his goods to feed the poor, and gave his body to be burned, but it profited him nothing. He failed to circulate the letter. However, before his death, he received the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth.
5. Do note the following: Crispius had the gift of prophecy, and understood all mysteries, and all knowledge, and had all faith, so that he aould remove mountains. But he forgot that the epistle had to leave his hands within 96 hours, and now he is nothing.
6. In A.D. 37, the epistle was received by a young Galatian woman who put it aside to copy and send out later. She was plagued by various problems: thrice she was beaten with rods, once she was stoned, and thrice suffered shipwreck. On the last day of these occasions, she spent a night and day in the deep. Finally, she copied the letter. A trumpet sounded, and she was raised incorruptible.
7. Remember: Believeth all things, hopeth all things. The chain never faileth.
St. Paul
FOR THE SICK
Paul, a little boy was in church one Sunday with his mother, when he started
feeling sick. “Mommy,” he said, “can we leave now?”
“No” the mother replied.
“Well, I think I have to throw up!”
“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up
behind a bush.”
After about sixty seconds, Paul returned to his seat.
“Did you throw up?” Mom asked.
“Yes.”
“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so
quickly?”
“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next
to the front door that says, ‘For the Sick’.”
IBM’s Help Center
Computer novices may feel like they’re alone these days, but some of the following calls to IBM’s help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway. After a caller gave a technician her PC’s serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, “I see you have an Aptiva” desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she’d be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: “Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe.”
A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power-saving feature known as “hibernate.” Would this hibernate device work in the spring and summer, the caller asked.
Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on 5.25-inch diskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch disk drive on her computer. The technician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive, or use 3.5-inch diskettes. The customer called back later, now complaining that her disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact that she was using a 3.5-inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of questions, the technician determined the caller had used a pair of scissors to trim the 5.25-inch diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive.
A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer – the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace – was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a “window” to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.
Success always occurs in private,
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.
If something doesn’t absolutely, positively
If something doesn’t absolutely, positively have to be there tomorrow,
you can always hang on to it until it does.
Estaban en un mitin todas
Estaban en un mitin todas las mujeres del mundo para hacerle a Dios tres peticiones muy importantes para ellas, y entonces, baja San Pedro con su libretita y su l�piz para apuntar sus peticiones.
“D�ganme hijas, cual es su primer petici�n.”
“Primero, queremos que la regla no sea cada mes, que sea cada seis meses porque es una chinga estar cada 28 d�as con esas molestias.”
San Pedro anota la petici�n en su libretita.
“Muy bien hijas, �cual es su segunda petici�n para el Se�or?”
“Segundo, queremos que el embarazo no dure nueve meses, porque es muy cansado estar cargando esa panza todo ese tiempo, queremos que dure solo tres meses.”
San Pedro anota la petici�n n�mero dos en su libretita.
“Perfecto hijas m�as, y por �ltimo, �cual es la tercer petici�n?”
“Por �ltimo, queremos que el pene del hombre sea bonito porque �realmente es horrible!”
San Pedro consternado anota la petici�n n�mero tres y les pide a las mujeres que se re�nan nuevamente en un mes m�s.
Despu�s del mes, se vuelven a reunir y las mujeres aclamando: “que vivan las mujeres, que vivan las mujeres” esperan a San Pedro que baja ipsofacto ante tal esc�ndalo y comienza su discurso.
“Hijas, la petici�n n�mero uno, ser� otorgada parcialmente. La regla ser� cada cinco meses, porque seis estuvo medio cabr�n. La petici�n n�mero dos, ser� otorgada tambi�n parcialmente. El periodo de embarazo durar� cuatro meses y medio, fue lo m�s que pude hacer por ustedes. Y la tercera petici�n, fue declinada completamente por nuestro se�or.”
Y las mujeres gritando y reclamando: “�Pero por qu�, se�or?”
Y les contesta San Pedro: “�Porque si feo y peludo se lo maman, bonito se lo comen!”
El doctor Porras un d�a
El doctor Porras un d�a llev� a su esposa a cenar por primera vez al restaurante de un hotel. Al bajarse del carro el portero lo saluda muy cordialmente:
“�Qu� tal doctor Porras! �C�mo me le ha ido? �Qu� gusto tenerlo otra vez por ac�!”
La esposa extra�ada le reclama con el respectivo codazo en las costillas y le dice:
“�As� que nunca hab�as venido por ac�? �Y c�mo es que saben tu nombre?”
“Pura t�ctica para que les den propina”.
Al entrar al restaurante, el mesero los ubica en la mejor mesa y les dice:
“que gusto verlo doctor porras, hac�a tiempo que no ven�a, �le traigo lo de siempre?”
Una vez m�s la esposa lo codea reclam�ndole: “No que no… �Que nunca habias estado aqui?”
“Ya te dije que son trucos que usan para sacarte m�s dinero del que piensas gastar.”
Pasado un rato el due�o del restaurante interrumpe la m�sica de fondo y toma un micr�fono: “Se�oras y se�ores… el momento esperado por todos ustedes, he aqu� a la estrella de la noche, la espectacular stripper Susan.”
Acto seguido Susan empieza a caminar por encima de las mesas y se detiene justo donde estaba sentado el doctor Porras y empieza a desvestirse muy sensual mientras le bailaba mir�ndolo fijamente.
Cuando Susan se queda en bolas, decide animar al publico gritando: “�de quien son estas tetas?” Y todos contestan en coro: “�de Porras!, de Porras!” “De quien es esta chucha?” “�De porras!, �de porras!” “�De quien es este culo?” “�De porras!, de porras!”
Y la esposa airada la emprende contra el doctor a carterazos y patadas hasta que se suben en un taxi donde siguen la contienda.
Habi�ndose medio calmado la esposa, el taxista acomoda su espejo retrovisor de modo que pueda verle la cara a sus pasajeros. Ve a la esposa, la ignora, y luego reconoce al sujeto y le dice:
“Oiga doctor Porras yo le hab�a conocido a usted putas feas, pero nunca una as� tan brava!!!”
Yo moma
yo momaso dumb she got lost at the grocery store
Redneck Cowboy
A redneck cowboy rides into town on a hot blistering day riding his horse with his dog following. He ties his horse and dog under the shade of a tree and goes into the bar for a cold beer. About twenty minutes later a policeman comes in and asks who owns the dog tied under the tree. The redneck cowboy tells him that its his. The policeman says, “Your dog is in heat.” The redneck cowboy answers, “No way the dog’s in heat; he’s cool cause he’s tied under the shade of the tree.” The policeman says, “No! you don’t understand, your dog needs to be bred.” The redneck sowboy shakes his head and says, “No way dog needs bread, he’s not hungry, I gave him beef jerky this morning.” The policeman finally gets mad and says, “Look, your dog wants to have sex.” The redneck cowboy looks at him and says, “Go ahead; I always wanted a policedog!”
Efficiency
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “Please DO NOT to try these techniques at home.”
“Why not?” asked somebody from the audience.
“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Honey, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?'”
“Did it save time?” the person in the audience asked.
“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.”
Q: How many Stanford
Q: How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.