Author: admin

Dog Joke

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There was a Scottish man and Irish man and a Chinese man

the scottish man, the irish man and the chinese man all decided
to take there dogs for a walk, so off they went,

the scots man took his dog to the corner of the street and it
had a wee,

on the next corner the irish mans dog had a wee,

not once did the chinese mans dog have a wee, the scots man and
the irish man were confused and asked ” why does your dog not
wee?” The chinese man replyed

“Me not soft, me not silly, me tie not in doggies willy!”

Devoar’s!

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A redneck walks into a lawyers office and says, “I wants me a devoars!”

The attorney says, “Do you have gounds?”

“I gots 20 acres uh’ the best bottom land in Alabamma.”

“No I meant to ask do you have a good case?” replys the attorney.

“Yep, I rekkun so. I traded by International Harvester for it ’bout three four yar ‘go.

The attorney says, “Well nevermind that. Does she beat you up?”

“Nawh, hell no! She don’t roll outta bed til roun 8 9 o’clock and I’m up with the chickens 4:30 5:00 ‘ary mornin.”

“Is she a whinner?”

“Nawh, we boaf hadta quit drinkin back in June cause the police said they’d lock boaf us up ‘we didn’t.

“Is she a nagger?”

“Nawh, but that nagger baby she just had show is and that’s why I wants me a devoars.”

Goldstein rents room

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During the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami. “Excuse me,” she said to the manager. “My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I’d like a small room for two weeks.”

“I’m awfully sorry,” he replied, “but all of our rooms are occupied.” Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.

“What luck,” said Mrs. Goldstein. “Now there’s a room.”

“Not so fast, madame. I’m sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed.”

“Jewish? Who’s Jewish? I happen to be Catholic.”

“I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?”

“Jesus, Son of Mary.”

“Where was he born?”

“In a stable.”

“And why was he born in a stable?”

“Because a schmuck like you wouldn’t let a Jew rent a room in his hotel.”

Barbie’s Fall Fashions

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Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini- rosary beads, a mini-bible, and a black sequined nun’s habit (after all, she’s still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she’s taken a vow of silence.

Admin. Barbie: ** Works twenty hour days for little pay (60% of Admin Ken’s salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini-laptop. Pull the string on her back and she’ll Schedule+ a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Director Ken.

Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she’ll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini-resume, and mini-filing cabinet filled with the past five-years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated.

Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie*** Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex’s new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on her left hand ring finger).

Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.

Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.

Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.

Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier’s aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.

Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.

Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like “I don’t think so,” “Dang, get outta my face,” and “You go, girl.” Teaches girls not to take s— from men and condescending White people.

Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

A blind pilot is flying this plane?

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I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in thirty minutes.Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, “Keith, we’re in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”Keith replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?”Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!

Skeeter Season

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Bubba and Earl are sittin in a bar on a hot summer day. Bubba say’s to Earl “Why does women like summa so much?” Earl say’s “Dunno?” Bubba say’s “cuz it’s skeeter season”. Earl say’s “how ya figga dat?” Bubba say’s “Simple, sketters dunt hafta pull down thar pants to give em a poke”. Earl say’s to Bubba “Yeah, but I got a bigga stinger”

En la orilla de la

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En la orilla de la carretera, el polic�a ve venir un coche que avanza a vuelta de rueda. Se sube en su patrulla y va en pos del infractor. Cuando se acerca ve que hay cinco ancianas dentro, con los ojos bien abiertos y p�lidas como fantasmas. La se�ora que va al volante, visiblemente confundida, le reprocha al agente:

“Oficial, no lo entiendo. Yo iba conduciendo exactamente a la velocidad permitida”.

“Caramba, se�ora, conducir a una velocidad mucho m�s baja que el l�mite tambi�n puede ser peligroso”.

“�Pero, oficial, yo iba exactamente a la velocidad permitida: 22 kil�metros por hora!”

Tratando de contener la risa, el polic�a le explica que 22 no es el l�mite de velocidad sino el n�mero de la carretera. Un poco avergonzada, la dama sonr�e y le agradece al polic�a haberla sacado de su error.

“Pero antes de dejarla ir, se�ora, d�game si todas est�n bien. Sus compa�eras parecen estar muy asustadas y no han dicho palabra”.

Rest�ndole importancia al hecho, de inmediato, la se�ora responde:

“No se preocupe, pronto estar�n bien: �Es que acabamos de salir de la carretera 190!”

Clinton Stuff

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Have you heard of the new Bill Clinton computer?

Six inch hard drive and no memory.

Q : What’s the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?

A: A screwdriver turns in screws, Clinton screws interns!

A reporter asked Clinton one day. “Was Monica lying?”

Clinton responded by saying. “No, she was on her knees.”

Q: Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am?

A: She wants to make sure that she is the first lady.

Q. How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None, they are too busy screwing the President.

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?

A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.

Q: What is Bill’s definition of safe sex?

A: When Hillary is out of town.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?

A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

  • Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year.
  • When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, “I don’t know. I never had one.”
  • If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?
  • Chelsea asked her dad, “Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time…?” Bill Clinton replied, “No. Some begin with ‘After I’m elected…'”
  • Clinton’s mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.
  • The American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as “Walking Eagle” because he is so full of sh.. that he can’t fly.
  • Isn’t putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund as insane as putting in a draft-dodger as Commander in Chief?
  • Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America’s finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.
  • Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, “Youth in Asia are just like kids everywhere else.”
  • Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.
  • Did you hear that Clinton has announced there is a new national bird? -the Spread Eagle
  • As Air Force One prepares to land, the Captain makes his customary request over the loudspeaker: “Mr. President, would you please return the stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land?”
  • Clinton’s team of advisors have offered the following defense…Clinton NEVER told Lewinsky to lie in disposition! He told her to lie in THIS position….
  • Women in Washington DC were asked if they would have sex with the President. 86% said “Not again.”
  • The Spelling Bee…Dan Quayle, Frank Gifford and Bill Clinton were in a spelling contest. Unbelievably, Dan Quayle won! He was the only one of the three who knew that ‘harass’ was one word.