A bored truck driver had a nasty habit of swerving to hit attorneys he
found walking along side of the highway. One day as he was driving along he came
across a Nun who appeared to be having car trouble. Pulling over to offer the
Nun a ride to the nearest service station, the Nun graciously thanked the driver
for stopping and accepted his offer. After driving a few miles the truck driver
saw an attorney walking along the highway. As was his custom, the truck driver
swerved to hit the attorney but, at the last moment, remembered he had the Nun
as a passenger and abruptly swerved away to avoid hitting the attorney.
Surprised upon hearing a loud ‘thump’ as he passed the attorney, the truck
driver peered in his rear view only to see the attorney lying injured along side
of the road. “I’m so sorry Sister, I thought I missed hitting that attorney!”
the truck driver pleads. “You did my son, but I got him with the door!” gleed
the Nun.
Author: admin
Dealing with a lawyer
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.” The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.” Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?” Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, “Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”
Doctor! I swallowed a pillow!
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.Doctor: How do you feel?Patient: A little down in the mouth.
Touring Washington
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, “Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?”The officer replied, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It’ll take you right there.” She thanked the officer and he drives off.Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, “Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?”The blonde replied, “Don’t worry, officer, it won’t be long now. The 45th bus just went by!”
I can resist everything except
I can resist everything except temptation.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Dennis!Dennis who?Dennis says
Knock KnockWho’s there?Dennis!Dennis who?Dennis says I need to have a tooth out!
Cow Branding
Bill goes to his friend’s house with 3 bandages and 2 black
eyes. He walks in, and his friend asks what happens. Bill tries
not to explain because it is so embarrassing. But his friend
talks him into explaining.
Bill starts to talk… “Well I was branding a cow with my wife
the other day, and it was a beautiful cow and a great looking
brand. When we went to sleep, we heard the cow mooing in pain,
so we went out to check what was happening. We went outside, and
nothing was there, so we went back to sleep. Well, we woke up
the next day to find our cow was gone, so we went to the nearby
farm to look for the cow with our brand. We started searching,
and I finally found it. I lifted the tail of the cow and saw a
brand on its huge butt. So I yelled to my wife, THIS LOOKS LIKE
YOURS HONEY!”
The difference between a cat and a comma
What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
Dating a French Horn Player
A girl goes on a first date with a french horn player. Next day her friend says “go on tell me, what was it like”?
“OK” her friend replies “but every time he kissed me he shoved his fist up my ass”
ACTUAL SIZE THEFT
A life size picture of Dale Earnhardt was stolen from an auto-recycling center
in Pennsylvania. When asked whether or not finding such a large picture would be
hard, the chief officer on the case said, “Ah, I just wish he was taller.”
Una pareja se da un
Una pareja se da un profundo beso. El hombre, meloso, le susurra a la mujer:
“Mi amor, tus besos me saben a fresa”.
“Ay, mi vida, los tuyos me saben a mantequilla”, responde arrobada.
“�No joda, me est� brotando pus de la muela otra vez!”
Sunbathing, a true story
A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the
first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up
there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She’d hardly begun
when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. “Excuse me, miss,” said
the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from
running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t mind you sunbathing on the roof
but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did
yesterday.” “What difference does it make?” Joan asked rather calmly. “No
one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.” “Not
exactly,” said the embarrassed little man. “You’re lying on the dining
room skylight.”