why was the ghost allways at the bar?
He was a booooozer
Author: admin
What does a blonde owl
Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what?
Saddam and his wife
why did saddam kill his wife?
he looked up her dress and saw a big bush!!
Un cura tuvo que pasar
Un cura tuvo que pasar la noche en un hotel. Despu�s de estar un rato en su habitaci�n, habl� a la recepci�n y le pidi� a la muchacha del guardarropa que subiera a cenar con �l. Cuando estaban cenando, el cura empez� a hacerle insinuaciones a la muchacha, hasta que ella lo detuvo y le record� que era un sacerdote.
“No hay problema,” dijo �l, “est� escrito en la Biblia.”
Despu�s de una noche de sexo apasionado, la chica del guardarropa le pregunt� d�nde dec�a en la Biblia que estaba bien tener sexo de esa manera.
El cura tom� la Biblia que estaba sobre la mesa, y la abri� en la primera p�gina donde alguien hab�a escrito a l�piz:
“La chica del guardarropa es una putilla.”
College mexican
What do you call a mexican in college?
the janitor
The Week Before Christmas…
The Week Before Christmas
‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the school
Not a pupil was silent, no matter what rule.
The children were busy with paper and paste
The mess that they made with it couldn’t be faced.
The teacher half frantic and almost in tears,
Had just settled down to work with her dears,
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter
up sprang the kids to see what was the matter!
Away to the door they all flew like a flash
The one who was leading went down with a crash.
Then what to their wondering eyes did appear
But a green Christmas tree! (To decorate I fear!)
When the teacher saw this, she almost grew sick.
She knew in a moment it must be Old Nick!
She ran to the door (all her efforts were vain)
But she shouted, and stamped, and she called them by name
”Now Tommy! Now Sandy, Now Judy and Harry!
Stop Billy! Stop Robert! Stop Donny and Sherry!
Now get to your places get away from the hall
Now get away! Get away! Get away all!
As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
The pupils, pell mell, started scurrying by.
They ran to the blackboard and skipped down the aisle
Their faces were shining and each had a smile.
First came a basket of popcorn to string
-Then came the Christmas tree (menacing thing).
As the tree was brought in there arose a great shout
The pupils were merrily romping about.
The state they were in could lead to a riot
The teacher was sure, if allowed, they would try it.
Her nerves how they jangled! Her temples were throbbing!
The rush of her breath sounded almost like sobbing!
The lines of her face were as fixed as a mask
It was plain that she didn’t feel up to her task.
The look in her eye would have tamed a wild steer,
But the children ignored it they did every year.
A tear from her eye and a shake of her head
Soon led me to think that she wished she were dead.
She spoke not a word but went straight to her work,
Strung all the popcorn which broke with a jerk.
But at last it was finished and placed on the tree
Then came the bell and the children were free.
Their shrill little voices soon faded away
And peace was restored at the end of the day.
As she looked at the Christmas tree glistening and tall,
She smiled as she whispered, Merry Christmas to all!
How Many Dogs…
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Golden Retriever: The day is young, the weather is warm, the air
is deliciously fresh, and we can run and play, and you’re
sitting in here worried about a stupid light bulb?
Basset Hound: No matter. I can still sleep in the dark.
French Poodle: Let ze Americans get it, mon cherie.
Dachsund: You’ve got to be kidding me, right?
Jack Russel Terier: I know I can get it! Please just give me a
few more jumps! I can get it in 20 more jumps! I know I can!
Pointer: I see the light bulb, riiiiiiggggggggghhhhhhhhhtttttttt
there!
Greyhound: I can get a replacement light faster than the rest of
you!
Bichon Frise: I am with ze French poodle, let thoze Americans
get it.
Cocker Spaniel: Why bother changing it? I can still pee on the
carpet if it’s dark.
Border Collie: Just one. Plus, I’ll replace any wiring not up to
code.
German Shepherd: I’ll guard the light bulb while you figure it
out. Hey you, back off!
Toy Poodle: I’ll just blow in the border collie’s ear and he’ll
do it. By the time the house is rewired, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Are you gonna make ME change that light bulb? You
and what army, huh?
Shi-Tzu: Puh-leeeeeze dah-ling, leave it for the servants.
Malamute: The border collie can do it. While he’s busy, you can
feed me.
Chow Chow: I’m with the malamute After I take my nap, that is.
Akita: I’m with the chow and the malamute! What’s for dinner?
Lab: ME! ME! I want to do it! Pick me! Please? Pleeeeeeeeaze let
me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Kelpie: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. And drop the chalupa while
you’re at it.
Wolf: My distant cousin the border collie can do it. Meanwhile,
the moon provides us with all the light we need.
Teaching the Wife Golf
A guy’s been trying to teach his wife to golf, but he’s not having much success. He decides to get her some pro lessons at his club. She shows up for the lesson, and the pro says “Let’s see your swing”.
she takes a swipe at it, and it’s not too bad.
“OK, let’s see you tee-off one time”, and tees up a ball for her.
She swings, and it’s a 125 yard slice.
“Lemme see that again”.
He tees up another ball for her, she hits it, and same thing- slice right. The pro thinks a bit, and says “I think it’s your grip; it may be too firm”.
He tees up another ball, saying “Tell you what. Try holding the club just like you’d hold your husband’s “member”.
She swings again, and this time it’s 200+ yards straight down the middle!
“Thats much better. Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it like this…”
Monica at IBM
Why didn’t Monica get the job at IBM? She sucked too much at her internship!
Un granjero demand� a una
Un granjero demand� a una empresa de buses por las lesiones que sufri� en un accidente. En el juicio, el abogado de la empresa le pregunta:
“�Acaso no le dijo usted ‘estoy muy bien’ al polic�a que lo auxili�?”
“D�jeme explicarle lo que pas�. Yo llevaba a mi yegua en el plat�n de la camioneta…”
“�No le ped� detalles! Lim�tese a responder la pregunta: �le dijo usted, s� o no, que estaba muy bien al polic�a que le ayud�?”
“Como le ven�a diciendo, llevaba a mi yegua en el plat�n de la camioneta y de pronto apareci� un bus de su empresa…”
“�Se�or juez, estoy tratando de demostrar que esta persona le dijo que estaba muy bien a un polic�a, inmediatamente despu�s del accidente! Ahora, despu�s de varias semanas, �l demanda a mi cliente y eso se llama fraude. �Por favor, d�gale que responda la pregunta!”
El juez le explica al abogado que est� interesado en escuchar la historia del granjero y le pide a este que contin�e:
“Pues yo llevaba a mi yegua en el plat�n de la camioneta y de pronto, en un cruce, me top� con un bus que se comi� la se�al de Pare y me estrell� de lado. Yo qued� paralizado por el golpe y la impresi�n, pero escuchaba que mi yegua gem�a como loca, presa del dolor. Unos minutos despu�s, lleg� la patrulla de polic�a y un agente se baj� alarmado por los gemidos de mi yegua. El polic�a la examin� y finalmente sac� su arma y le peg� un tiro en medio de los ojos. Luego, vino hasta m� y me dijo: su yegua estaba muy mal y tuve que pegarle un tiro para que no sufriera. �Usted c�mo se siente?”
Carmen and Beerfuck
A man scanned the guests at a party adn spotted an attractive
woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name. “My
name is Carman,” she told him. “Thats a beautiful name,” he
said. “Did your mother give it to you?” “No,” she replied, “I
gave it to me. It reflects the things I like most–cars and
men.” They continued to talk and finally she asked him his name.
“Beerfuck,” he said.
Miracle Toddler Diet! Guaranteed Results
People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets
is that you don’t get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don’t get enough
variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently,
people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there’s the
new Toddler Miracle Diet.
Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the
formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to
consult your doctor before embarking on this diet; otherwise, you may be seeing
him afterwards. Good Luck!!!
DAY ONE:
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.
Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.
Take 1 bite of toast, and then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of
milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO:
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.
Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half tube of “Pulsating Pink” lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow
(any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in
dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.
Then bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left
nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
DAY THREE:
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in
hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass.
After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it
on the cushion of best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites
onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.
Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.
FINAL DAY:
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive.
Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes; add half a cup of sugar. Once
cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat breadcrumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that
sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate.
Stick of mascara for dessert.