Why did the chicken cross the road???
Well you probably already know the answer to this one…
Author: admin
You have the policeman hold
You have the policeman hold your beer while you get your license.You gave your young son a super-soaker water gun and an NRA application for his birthday.You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.
Wow!!!!
this girl went on a matchmaking website, and put an ad there.
after a week, three people had responded. so she told them her
address and gave each a time to stop by at her house. they had to
tell her the most interesting thing that happened to them this
week, and the one with the most interesting one is the person
she would go out with. so the next day the first guy showed up
while she was in the shower so she put on a towel and asked “so
what’s up?”. the
guy responded “my dog had puppies!”. she gave him a look and
slammed the door in his face. when the next guy arrived, she got
out of the shower put on the towel, and went out.she asked him
the same question that she asked the first guy. this person
resonded”i won a thousand dollars”! “Cool” was all she said, and
closed the door. when the last person arrived, she was still in
the shower. as she was about to put on the towel,she remebered
the guy was blind.”whats the use of a towel”?, she thought. as
she opened the door he was wearing dark sunglasses(the ones
where you can’t see out of them). she asked him the question,
and he said” well i just got back from the docter, and… I CAN
SEE!!!!”. he yanked off the glasses and he immediatly got a
boner, and started shouting”WWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW,
THANK YOU GOD, OW BABY!!!
Good Things to Say When You’re Stressed at Work
Good Things to Say When You’re Stressed at work:
1. “Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!”
2. “You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing?!”
3. “Well this day was a total waste of make-up”
4. “Well aren’t we a bloody ray of sunshine?”
5. “Don’t bother me, I’m living happily ever after.”
6. “Do I look like a fucking people person!”
7. “This isn’t an office. It’s HELL with fluorescent lighting”
8. “I’m not crazy. I’ve been in a very bad mood for 30 years.”
9. “Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.”
10. “Do they ever shut up on your planet?”
11. “I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable”
12. “Back off!! You’re standing in my aura.”
13. “Don’t worry. I forgot your name too.”
14. “Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.”
15. “Wait… I’m trying to imagine you with a personality”
16. “Chaos, panic and disorder… my work here is done.”
17. “You look like sh!t. Is that the style now?”
18. “A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.”
19. “You are depriving some village of an idiot.”
20. “If assholes could fly, this place would be a fuckin airport.
Mailmans Last Day
It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orangejuice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.
“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”
“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you. He said, ‘Fuck him. Give him a dollar.’ The breakfast was my idea!”
Banjo joke
Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?A: Will the defendant please rise.
Dreams
After waking up in the morning, a woman tells her husband, “I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace.
What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight,” the husband says with a smile.
The woman can hardly think of anything else all day, and she waits in anticipation for her husband to come home.
That evening, the man walks through the door carrying a small package.
Elated, the wife tears into the wrapping . . . and uncovers a book titled “The Meaning of Dreams”.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
The Lord Will Save Me
It rained for days and days and there was a terrific flood. The water rose so
high that one man was forced to climb on top of his roof and sat in the rain. As
the waters came up higher a man in a rowboat came up to the house and told him
to get in. “No thank you, the Lord will save me!” he said, and the man in the
rowboat rowed away.
The waters rose to the edge of the roof and still the man sat on the roof
until another rowboat came by and another man told him to get in. “No thank you,
the Lord will save me!” he said again, and the man rowed away.
The waters covered the house and the man was forced to sit on his chimney as
the rain poured down and a helicopter came by and another man urged him to get
in or he’ll drown. “No thank you,” the man said again, “The Lord will save me!”
After much begging and pleading the man in the helicopter gave up and flew
away. The waters rose above the chimney and the man drowned and went to heaven
where he met God.
“Lord, I don’t understand,” he told Him, frustrated, “The waters rose higher
and higher and I waited hours for you to save me but you didn’t! Why?”
The Lord just shook his head and said, “What are you talking about? I sent two
boats and a helicopter?!”
Nudist Campers
Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?The guy who can carry two pitchers of beer and a foot of onion rings!—who is the most popular girl in a nudist colony?The girl who can eat the last onion ring.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Toothy!Toothy who?Toothy the
Knock KnockWho’s there?Toothy!Toothy who?Toothy the day after Monday!
Cajones
An American tourist went into a restaurant in Mexico for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. ‘Sir, these are the cojones,’ the waiter replied. ‘The what, you say?’ exclaimed the tourist. ‘They are testicles of the bull killed in the ring today,’ explained the waiter. The tourist gulped, but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal,the tourist commented to the waiter: ‘Today’s cojones aremuch smaller than the ones I had yesterday.’ ‘True, sir,’ said the waiter, ‘you see the bull does not always lose…’
No Sir!
Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”
Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again.”
Soldier: “Do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “No, SIR!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman