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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He says,”What are you doing?”
She answers, “I’m moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!”
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he’s going, he replies… “I’m going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Calamjo
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confesses. “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”
What was the first thing the pope said when he met the Devil?
Oh, my god.
How come there is no Wal-Mart�s aim Iraq? Because they too many targets.
Wilber sits in front of Family Court Judge Frieda and the judge asks
“Do you want to live with your mother?”
Wilber responds, “No … she beats Me.”
“Do you want to live with your father.� The judge questions
“No … he beats me too.” Wilber states.
Judge Frieda asks, “How about living with you grandparents?”
Wilber declares, “No … I want to be a Cougar, they don’t *beat*
anybody!!!!”
You’re a redneck if…. Fewer than half of your cars run.
A jumbo-sized freshman went to try out for the football team. The coach asked him if he could tackle and he said, “Hell yah, get a load of this!” And with that knocked over a telephone pole as if it were made of balsa wood.The coach was dumbfounded and asked if the boy could run, to which the boy replied, “Hell yah!” and he sprinted from endzone to endzone like lightning.The coach stood there with his mouth agape to see such a huge boy run so fast. He finally composed himself and said, “But can you pass a football?”The freshman stopped to think for a few seconds, then said, “Hell yah, if I can swallow it, I can surely pass it!”
“Remember President Clinton? He had to go to London over there to pick up
another quarter of a million dollar speaking fee. And he had to fly commercial
for the first time, and I am thinking ‘Wait a minute? Isn’t that a violation of
his parole?'” �David Letterman
“It would be funny if it wasn’t so sad � getting off the plane. See Clinton,
he thinks that he is on Air Force One, so he gets off the plane and out of force
of habit, he steals the pillows and the earphones and the chairs and the flight
attendant and the landing gear and the cockpit and the lavatory and the
in-flight movie and the flaps and the vertical stabilizers, the reverse
thrusters.” �David Letterman
“Clinton flew to Europe yesterday to give a series of lectures. Hey, wouldn’t
it be great for revenge if while the Clintons were out of town the Bushes snuck
into their house in Chappaqua and stole all the furniture back?” �Jay Leno
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!” The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!”
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home,when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it’s back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Rats, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”
There was a young lady from Bude
who rode on a bus in the nude,
when a man up the front, went
“Sniff, sniff, I smell cunt”,
just like that,
right out loud,
bloody rude!
Which is more useful, a Russian radio broadcast or a Russian newspaper?
-The newspaper, of course… you can use it to wrap herring.
10. Truly an eager beaver
9. Uses too much teeth.
8. Stays late, comes early
7. Excellent oral dictation skills: has never missed a period.
6. Great attitude! Willing to accept a heavy load
5. Frequently complains of jaw pain.
4. Although not a whiner, tends to be a moaner.
3. “In Box” is always clean and shiny
2. Tends to blab on the telephone
1. This intern might suck, but she doesn’t inhale.