Real life news article:A Danish man set off a real-life sea rescue mission while playing with toy boats in his bathtub. The drunken 52-year- old called in repeated mayday alarms to the Maritime Sea Rescue Command as he piloted his water toys, claiming he was captain of a 12-crew freighter in distress. Giving a position west of the Baltic Sea island of Bornholm, which belongs to Denmark, he said his vessell was listing 45 degrees and that one crew member had been washed overboard. Authorities sent two rescue vessels to search the area for 90 minutes before police eventually traced the phone calls to the home of the intoxicated man, who admitted the false alarm.
Author: admin
Jackass
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, “Hello?”
I politely said, “This is John, may I speak to Robin please?”
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn’t believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled “You’re a jackass!” and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word “jackass,” and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I’d call him up. He’d answer, and the I’d yell, “You’re a jackass!” It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, “Hello.” I made up a name. “Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar with our caller ID program?”
He went, “No!” and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re a jackass!”
(Keep reading, we’re not through with this guy.)
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn’t think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she’s finally leaving.
All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, “You can’t just do that, Buddy. I was here first!”
The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn’t even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy’s a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a “For Sale” sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I’m at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-4863 and yelling, “You’re jackass!”
(It’s really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)
I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I’d better call this guy,too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, “Hello.”
I said, “Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Can you tell me where I can see it?”
“Yes, I live at 2104 East 34th street. It’s a yellow house and the car’s parked right out front.”
I said, “What’s your name?”
“My name is Don H.”
“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”
“I’m home in the evenings.”
“Listen Don, can I tell you something?”
“Yes,”
“Don, you’re a jackass!”
And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don H’s number to my speed dialer.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.
A man answered nicely saying, “Hello.”
I yelled “You’re a jackass!”, but I didn’t hang up.
The jackass said, “Are you still there?”
I said, “Yeah.”
He said, “Stop calling me.”
I said, “No.”
He said, “What’s your name, Pal?”
I said, “Don H.”
He said “Where do you live?”
“2104 East 34th Street. It’s a yellow house and my black Camaro’s parked out front.”
“I’m coming over right now, Don. You’d better start saying your prayers.”
“Yeah, like I’m really scared, Jackass!” and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2.
He answered, “Hello.”
I said, “Hello, Jackass!”
He said, “If I ever find out who you are…”
“You’ll what?”
“I’ll kick your butt.”
“Well, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now Jackass!”
And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 2104 East 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.
After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!
If you want to watch two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, I taped it off the evening news
Just when you think you’ve
Just when you think you’ve won the rat race, along come faster rats.
Calculating statistics of injury
A man (If you like, a blond) who often travels by plane calculates the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight. It’s low, but not low enough, so the man always carries a bomb in his suitcase knowing that he’ll be safe.After all, the odds of two bombs on a flight are almost impossible!——BONUS JOKE VARIATION!!!A man went to a hunting shop and asked if he could buy one bullet. The clerk thought for a second and said, sure, why not. The man gets his bullet and takes out a pen and meticulously inscribes his name on the bullet. The clerk, watching this says, “hey buddy, why’d you write on your bullet?””Well, they say there’s a bullet out there with my name on it, so I figured I’d better keep track of it!”
The Enchanted Snake
It was spring in the old west.
The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.
As one cowboy’s horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
“Hold on there, partner,” said the snake, “don’t shoot- I’m an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don’t shoot me, I’ll give you any three wishes you want.”
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake’s striking range. He said, “OK, first, I’d like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I’d like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I’d like sexual equipment like this here horse I’m riding.”
The rattlesnake said, “All right, when you get back to the bunk house you’ll have all three wishes.”
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.
He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted…
“Oh My God… I was riding the MARE!
A bunch of insults
I’m looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven’t had it yet.When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I’ll say your stupidity.Well, I’ll see you in my dreams—if I eat too much.I’ve had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.You’re the best at all you do—and all you do is make people hate you.Don’t you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.When you get run over by a car it shouldn’t be listed under accidents.All of your ancestors must number in the millions; its hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.Ever since I saw you in your family tree I’ve wanted to cut it down.I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you but the Mafia wanted too much.I hear that when your mother first saw you she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.You were born because your mother didn’t believe in abortion; now she believes in infanticide.No one should be punished for accident of birth but you look too much like a wreck not to be.Yours was an unnatural birth; you came from a human being.You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along.You’re a habit I’d like to kick, with both feet.I hear the only place you’re ever invited is outside.I would like the pleasure of your company but it only gives me displeasure.You’ve never been outspoken; no one has ever been able to.At your speed you’d better not stop your mouth too fast or your teeth will fly through your cranium.If you ever tax your brain, don’t charge more than a penny.Don’t you have a terribly empty feeling—in your skull?You have nothing to fear from my baser instincts; its my finer ones that tell me to kill you.It’s your life—but I wish you’d let us have it.I don’t consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.I think you should live for the moment. But after that I doubt I’ll think so.Man alive! But I wish you weren’t.I believe in respect for the dead; in fact I could only respect you if you WERE dead.I admire you because I’ve never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a thief and a cheat.You’re acquitting yourself in such a way that no jury ever would.
Es de noche en la
Es de noche en la panader�a, y todos los panes est�n durmiendo: la chilindrina, el bigote, el bolillo, la concha, etc., cuando de repente se despierta la concha y grita:
“�Soy una concha! �Soy una concha!”
Todos los panes se despiertan, pero el m�s enojado era el bolillo el cual amenaza:
“�Concha, si no te callas te voy a matar!”
“Est� bien”, dijo la concha, y se acost�.
Como a los cinco minutos, la concha se vuelve a levantar gritando:
“�Soy una concha! �Soy una concha!”
Vuelve a despertar a todos los panes y el bolillo amenaza en tono m�s perentorio:
“�Concha, si no te callas ahora s� te voy a matar!”
“Est� bien, me callo”, contest� la concha y se acost�.
Un rato despu�s, la concha nuevamente se levanta y grita:
“�Soy una concha! �Soy una concha!”
Todos los panes se despiertan y esta vez el bolillo tan s�lo murmura:
“Concha, te lo advert�”, y le dispara.
Todos los panes se quedan espantados; la concha se levanta, se queda callada un rato y luego comienza a gritar:
“�Soy una dona! �Soy una dona!”
The Top 16 Signs Your Truck Is TOO DAMN BIG (Part II)
16> You’re always crushing objects too small to be seen from inside — like Ford Excursions and the Washington Monument.15> No need to worry about one-way streets — for you, *every* street is a one-way street.14> As a result of the vehicle size/penis size inverse ratio, you now have an “innie.”13> The hood ornament is a Yugo.12> McDonnell-Douglas and Boeing are bidding for your next tire rotation.11> The Guinness Book of World Records has certified your back window screen as the world’s largest Confederate flag.10> Your spinning rims have started altering weather patterns. 9> Your monthly Texaco bill comes with a lovely gift basket and a personally signed thank-you note from the emir of Kuwait. 8> You let your kids eat in the truck — as long as they stay in the dining room. 7> You keep finding chunks of SUV in your front grille. 6> Whenever you fill it up, Dick Cheney’s grin gets a little wider. 5> The turn signals are labeled “port” and “starboard.” 4> Four times this month you’ve crushed the garbage truck while backing out of the driveway. 3> Greenies have to stand on a stepladder to key the paint job. 2> The passenger side is 2 feet lower because that’s where your wife parks her Camry. 1> Every time you gun the engine, you can feel the earth get a teensy bit warmer. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
Erudite Limerick
I, Caesar, when I heard of the fame
To Cleopatra I straightway laid claim
Ahead of my legions
I invaded her regions
I saw, I conquered, I came!
Can I Buy That TV?
A blonde walks into a pawn shop and says “can i buy that t.v”. The cashier says I dont serve blondes. So the blonde goes home and dyes her hair red. She comes back the next day and asked the same question. The cashier again says we dont serve blondes. So she goes home and dyes her hair brown. The same thing happened the next day. She is so ticked off that she says “how the heck do you know i am a blonde?” and the cashier replies “because thats not a t.v its a microwave!”
Interchangeable parts won’t.
Interchangeable parts won’t.
Two Clones
There were two scientists and they decided to clone two bodies, they decided they would chose michel jackson and arnold swartzineger. what did they Call it?
michel was-a-niger