I STABBED YOUR MUM IN THE EYE WITH A TOOTH PICK
Author: admin
Drunk But Not Stupid
Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So’s the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Bill asks, “Son, what happened last night?”
His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”
Confused, Bill asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, “Lady leave me alone, I’m married’!”
Going to the Gynecologist
A radio station routinely paid money for people to tell their
most embarrassing stories. Here was one of the winners.
I was due later that week for an appointment with the
gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his
office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am.
I has just packed everyone off to work and school and it was
around 8:45 already. The trip usually took about 35 minutes so I
didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I’m sure, I
like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such
visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full
effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet
the washcloth and gave myself a wash in “that area” in front of
the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable.
I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some
clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in
the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.
Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure all women do, I hopped up on
the table, looked over at the other side of the room and
pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles
away from here. I was surprised when he said: “My…we have
taken a little extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” but I
didn’t respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief
and went home. The rest of the day went as normal, some
shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc.
At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready
for a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom,
“Mom, where’s my washcloth?”
I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She
called back, “No, I need that one that was here by the sink. It
had all my glitter and sparkles in it.”
the leg
How can you tell if some guy was masterbating?
One legs bigger than the other!! ha ha
The Re-Appearing of
Three guys are sitting at the bar, when a stranger walked in and took a stool at the far end of the bar. The three guys were tranfixed on the stranger, who bear a striking resemblance to Jesus.For quite a while they were speculating if in fact it was the Son of God himself. Finally Joe stands up and said he would find out for sure and walked down to the end of the bar, but before he could even open his mouth, the stranger said, ” you have had constant pain in your lower back for many years, and so I say unto you “Be healed”. Instantly the pain left his body. He ran back to tell the others. Tom said that it was bullshit and went down to the end of the bar, but again before he could say anything, the stranger said, “since you were a child you have had an inferior left eye, Be heal and see the world the way God intended. Tom’s bad eye was seeing as well as the other. Both 20/20. He came back to inform the others. Mack just set there, “well I’m not going down there – come hell or high water. Just then the stranger started walking toward Mack. Finally he was less than ten feet away from him Mack yells out, “Stay away from me you son of a bitch…I’m on Disability.
Blondes and turtles
Q:What do blondes and turtles have in common?A:If they are on their back, they’re screwed–Submitted by: Adam E.
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Two–one to screw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation.
Didn’t make the cut…
A few children’s books that didn’t make the cut:
1. You Are Different and That’s Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad’s New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8. All Cats Go to Hell
9. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
10. Some Kittens Can Fly
11. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
12. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
13. Pop! Goes The Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games
14. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
15. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
President Clinton said to Monica,
President Clinton said to Monica, “I didn’t tell you to lie in
deposition… I told you to lie in that position!”
Canada vs. USA
An American is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts a conversation:Canadian: “You American folk eat the whole bread??” American (in a bad mood): “Of course.”Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) “We don’t. In Canada, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states.” The Canadian has a smirk on his face.The American listens in silence.The Canadian persists: “Do you eat jelly with the bread??”American: “Of Course.”Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). “We don’t. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states.”The American then asks: “Do you have sex in Canada?”Canadian: “Why of course we do”, the Canadian says with a big smirk.American: And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?”Canadian: “We throw them away, of course.”American: “We don’t. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Canada.
3 Questions
Eve really wanted 2 become really popular so she went to church 2 go speak 2 god. when she got there she told god tht she wanted to be popular. God sed answer the nxt 3 questions and all ur wishes will come true.God- Question 1: Wot is ur name? Eve- Thts easy y its eve! God- CorrectGod- Question 2:Who do u really adore? Eve- Adam! god- Correct#God- Now 4 the final question u have to think very hard 4 it! God- Question 3: Wot was the first thing u sed to Adam? Eve- ummmmm…….. Thts a hard 1 God- CorrectUR NXT 30 WISHES COME TRUE NOW THINK WISELY B4 U USE THEM ALL!!!
Gay baby
Q.How do you stop a gay baby from crying A.stick a pasifer up his ass