Author: admin

Hilarys hand

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President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground. He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered White House lawn and sees the words “President Clinton sucks” written in pee in the snow. Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he doesn’t care what it takes but he wants to know who did this.

The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news. “OK,” says Clinton, “give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news.”

The Chief says: “The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know who the culprit is.”

Clinton nods and the Chief continues: “The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore.”

This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news.

The Chief of Security swallows and says, “It’s in Hilary’s hand writing”.

Dos muchachas iban a la

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Dos muchachas iban a la escuela y ten�an que pasar por un tianguis donde estaba un �rabe sentado vendiendo cosas. Las dos jovenes pasaron frente a el y el arabe les pregunta, con su acento �rabe:

“�Ustedes dos son hermanas?”

Y una de ellas le responde: “No, se�or.”

Al d�a siguiente pasaron de nuevo y el �rabe les vuelve a preguntar: “�Ustedes dos son hermanas?” y una le responde: “No, se�or.”

Al siguiente d�a volvieron a pasar y el �rabe les pregunta: “�Ustedes dos son hermanas?” y la otra joven le responde: “�Qu� no, se�or!”.

Al d�a siguiente antes de pasar una le dice a la otra: “Si nos vuelve a preguntar le diremos que somos hermanas por que ya me enfad�.”

Pasaron y el �rabe les pregunta: “�Ustedes dos son hermanas?”

Y le contesta la joven: “Si, se�or, si somos hermanas.”

Y el arabe les responde: “�Pues no se parecen!”

Glass of Water

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One night a father sent his kid to bed.

Five minutes later the boy screamed,
”Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!”

”No. You had your chance,” said the father.

A minute later the boy screamed,
”Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?”

”No. You had your chance.
The next time you ask, I’m going to come up there and give you a good spanking!” said the Dad.

Two minutes later the boy screamed,
”Dad! When you come up to spank me
can you bring me a glass or water?”

Cure A Cold

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A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was instructed to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.

“But doc,” protested the patient, “if I do that, I’ll get pneumonia.”

“I know,” said his physician…

“I can cure pneumonia!”

The Rooster

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A man was out driving in his car when all of a sudden a rooster ran out in front of his car, he tried to miss it but unfortunately he ran over the rooster & killed it.

He decided that he should go & tell the farmer, so he got out of his car & walked across the road to the farm, walked up to the front door & knocked, the farmer came to the door & the man said “I’m afraid I’ve killed your rooster, please let me replace him”.

The farmer said “Help yourself, the hens are out the back”.

Hard Day

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December 15th..

3 alter boys are standing in the snow with their pants down around their ankles…. they have their penis’ in a snowbank.

Sister Margaret sticks her head out the window and says, boys! boys! Whatever are you doing… you’re going to catch pnuemonia… put your penis’ away…

The tallest alter boy turns around and yells… Sister Margaret, don’t worry, we know what we’re doing…. Father Porter always likes a couple cold ones after work.

Yo Mama’s So Fat…

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– Yo Mama’s so fat, she couldn’t fit in a satellite photo.
– Yo Mama’s so fat, she’s on both sides of the family.
– Yo Mama’s so fat, when she fell over, she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.
– Yo Mama’s so fat, when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washington’s nose
– Yo Mama’s so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes
– Yo Mama’s so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs
– Yo Mama’s so fat, when she goes to the beach, kids shout: “Free Willy! free Willy!”
– Yo Mama’s so fat, she’s got her own zip code
– Yo Mama’s so fat, people jog around her for exercise
– Yo Mama’s so fat, when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago…
– Yo Mama’s so fat, if she weighed 5 more pounds, she could get group insurance.
– Yo Mama’s so fat, she jumped in air and got stuck.
– Yo Mama’s so fat, when she wears Maclom X shirt, helicopters land on her.
– Yo Mama’s so fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too.
– Yo Mama’s so fat, the highway patrol made her wear a “Caution! Wide Turn” sign.
– Yo Mama’s so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house.
– Yo Mama’s so fat, when she steps on a scale, it read “One at a time, please.”
– Yo Mama’s so fat, I swerved to avoid her in the road and ran out of gas.
– Yo Mama’s so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat in the rain, people run to her and yell “Taxi!”
– Yo Mama’s so fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
– Yo Mama’s so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway.
– Yo Mama’s so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller.
– Yo Mama’s so fat, when she tripped on 10th St., she landed on 22nd St..
– Yo Mama’s so fat, when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up.
– Yo Mama’s so fat, if she was a superhero, she would be “incredible bulk.”
– Yo Mama’s so fat, a picture of her fell off the wall.
– Yo Mama’s so fat, at the zoo the elephants started throwing her peanuts.
– Yo Mama’s so fat, she stepped on rainbow and made Skittles
– Yo Mama’s so fat, I guess we know what’s eating Gilbert Grape.
– Yo mama’s so fat, her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud.
– Yo mama’s so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
– Yo mama’s so fat, she wears a watch on each arm, one for each time zone.
– Yo mama’s so fat, she stepped on a talking scale, and it said “GET THE HELL OFF!!”
– Yo mama’s so fat, the shadow of her ass weighs 50 pounds
– Yo mama’s so fat, she stepped on my cat’s tail, now I call him “Beaver”.
– Yo mama’s so fat, when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas.
– Yo mama’s so fat, when I climbed on top of her, I burned my ass on the light bulb.
– Yo mama’s so fat, she’s got more chins than a Chinese phone book.
– Yo mama’s so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.
– Yo mama’s so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.
– Yo mama’s so fat, I ran around her twice, and got lost.
– Yo mama’s so fat, instead of wearing Levis 501 jeans, she wears Levis 1002’s.
– Yo mama’s so fat, she’s got more rolls than a bakery.
– Yo mama’s so fat, she was floating in the ocean, and Spain claimed her as a new world.
– Yo mama’s so fat, she could sell shade.
– Yo mama’s so fat, that when God said “Let there be Light”, he told her to move her fat ass out of the way.
– Yo mama’s so fat, when I finished having sex with her and tried to roll off, I was still on her.
– Yo mama’s so fat, when I have sex with her, I have to slap her ass and ride the wave in.
– Yo mama’s so fat, when she bends over, we go into daylight savings time.
– Yo mama’s so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don’t get wet.
– Yo mama’s so fat, she bumps into people when she’s sitting down.
– Yo mama’s so fat, when your father mounts her, his ears pop.
– Yo Mama’s so fat, her butt has it’s own congressmen.
– Yo Mama’s so fat, she needs a boomerang to wear a belt.

Actual misphrased excerpts from student science exam papers

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Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

On the high seas!

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A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.

As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above, him he shouted, “Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!”

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

“Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he’d also took a dump in your pants.”

Things NOT to say!

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Things not to say in bed!

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. Can you please try breathing through your nose?

6. A little rug burn never hurt anyone.

7. Darling, did you lock the back door?

8. But whipped cream makes me break out in a rash.

9. person 1: This is your first time…right? person 2: It is……. today

10. Can you pass me the remote control?

11. Do you accept Visa?

12. On second thoughts, let’s turn off the lights.

13. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend.

14. So much for mouth-to-mouth

15. Hope you’re as good looking when I’m sober…

16. Try not to smear my make-up, will you’?

17. But I just brushed my teeth…

18. Smile, you’re on candid camera!

19. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs?!

20. I want a baby!

21. So much for the fulfilment of sexual fantasies!

22. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

23. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

24. When is this supposed to feel good?

25. Did I remember to take my pill?

26. Are you sure I don’t know you from somewhere?

27. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.

28. Did I tell you my aunt Martha died in this bed?

29. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.

30. No, really.. I do this part better myself.

31. This would be more fun with a few more people.

32. You’re almost as good as my ex!

33. You look younger than you feel.

34. Perhaps you’re just out of practice.

35. Now I know why she dumped you…

36. Does your husband own a sawn off shot-gun?

37. Have you ever considered liposuction?

38. And to think, I didn’t even have to buy you dinner!

39. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

40. I’ll tell you I’m fantasizing about if you tell me who you’re fantasizing about..

41. Does this count as a date?

42. I think biting is romantic- don’t you?

42. When would you like to meet my parents?

43. Have you seen “fatal attraction”?

44. Sorry about the name tags, I’m not to good with names.

45. Don’t mind me… I always file my nails in bed.

46. Don’t worry, my dog’s really friendly for a doberman.

47. Sorry but I don’t do toes.

48. You could at least act like you’re enjoying it!

49. Keep the noise down, my mother is a light sleeper.

50. I’ve slept with more women than Casanova!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by yisman and Curtis

Too fast

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Two cannibals are sitting down to eat a great big fat guy that they had just killed, and they are discussing who gets to eat what.

So they decide that one will start at his head, and the other at his toes.

So they are eating away and one cannibal says to the other, “Hey man this guy is delicious, isn’t this great?”

And the other cannibal says, “Yeah, this is excellent, I am having a ball!”

And the first cannibal yells back, “Slow down! You’re eating too fast!”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis and yisman