Yours Fun Portal !
Number of physicians in the US = 700,000 Accidental deaths caused by physicians/year =120,000. Accidental deaths/physician = 0.171
Number of gun owners in US = 80,000,000 Number of accidental gun deaths/year = 1500 Accidental deaths/gun owner =.0000188
Conclusion – Doctors are approximately 9000 times more dangerous than gun owners!
Nike virus: Just Does It!
Where does Bill Clinton have sex?
– In the oral office.
Proof that you are a well-bred red neck:
1. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say
Cool Whip on the side.
2. If the biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.
3. If your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working T.V.
4. If you thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.
5. If you’ve ever used your ironing board as a buffet table…
6. If you think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the
K-Mart.
7. If your neighbors think you’re a detective because a cop
always brings you home.
8. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 dollars
worth of improvement.
9. If you’ve ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
10. If you’ve ever asked the preacher “How’s it hangin?”
11. If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury
duty.
12. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65mph.
13. If somebody tells you that you’ve got something in your
teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
14. If you’ve ever stared at a can of orange juice because it
said concentrate.
15. If you’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
When a guy’s printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop
where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be
cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might
be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, “Does your boss know that you
discourage business?”
“Actually, it is my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually
make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves
first.”
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly
slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15
minutes!”
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such
ineptitude.”
The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a
word with him.”
[Dramatic pause] “Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us?! They’re rather slow,
aren’t they?”
The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always
let them play for free anytime.”
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them
tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”
Your family is so poor, when they went to the park the pigeons threw bread at
them.
Q: Why don’t blondes eat Jello?
A: They can’t figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
Q: Why don’t blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can’t get their head in the jar.
Q: Why don’t blondes eat bananas?
A: They can’t find the zipper.
Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means “Stop, wrong hole.”
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
Q: Why don’t blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.
Little farmboy comes in late for school. Teacher asks why he’s late. Farmboy replies that he had to take the family cow over to the neighbour’s to get her bred by a bull.
Annoyed, teacher demands, “Can’t your father do that?” Little farm boy thinks for a moment: replies, “Well, sure… but the bull can do it better.”
King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.
After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he’d see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week. A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt… except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
“This is no good, Merlin!” the king exclaimed, “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?”
“Ah, sire, just observe.” said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
“Merlin, you are a genius!” said the greatful monarch, “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.”
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ‘short arm’ inspection.
Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
“Sir Galahad”, exclaimed King Arthur, “The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!”
But Sir Galahad was speechless.
What is the last thing each Tickle Me Elmo doll receives before he leaves the factory?Two Test Tickles
Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?A: Twenty – one to do it and nineteen to develop a distraction.