When all else fails, read the instructions.
Author: admin
Blonde Nurse?
Doctor: Did you take the patient’s temperature?
Nurse: No. Is it missing?
Revenge
One day a husband and wife were in the bathroom,The wife was getting out of the shower and the husband grabs her boobs and says “If these were firmer you wouldn’t need a bra.”
The wife was repulsed by his behavior and ignores him.
The next week the teo are again in the bathroom and while the wife was getting out of the shower he grabs her ass and says “If your ass was firmer you wouldn’t need a girdle.”
The wife is now pissed and is ploting her revenge.
One day a week later the husband is getting out of the shower and the wife grabs his dick and says “If this was a little bit bigger I wouldn’t need your brother.”
Weight loss
There was this guy and he was really fat and he wanted to lose
weight really fast. so he was watching tv one day and this thing
came on and it said lose weight fast so he decides that it hes
tryed everthing else why not try this. so he goes to the place
and says i’ll take the five dollar for five pounds special the
lady at the desk was like ok up the stairs the first door on the
left. he goes in the room and then the door shuts behind him and
it locks then a bed pops up with this really hot girl. she says
catch me u get to fuck me the guy was like ok so he eventually
cought her and he fucked her. after that he was like wow that
was great i feel lighter already. so he goes back down to the
desk and says i’ll take the ten dollar for ten pounds special
the lady says up the second flight of stairs the third door to
the left. so he gets up there the same thing happens but this
time the bed popped up with really hot twins and they said catch
me and u get to fuck me and the guy was thinkin this cant be
real but he decides to do it and he catches them both and fucks
them both. he was like oh my god i feel ten pounds lighter. so
he goes back down to the desk and says to the lady i’ll take the
fifteen dollar for as much weight as wanted and the lady was
like ok pal. up the third flight of stairs the black door all
the way at the end. the guy goes up there and he’s really tired
but he goes in any way the same thing happens the door locks and
the bed popped up. but this time it was a gorilla that said if i
catch you i get to fuck you.
James E. Harrison so ugly
james u so ugly u ugly
I’ve found the secret of
I’ve found the secret of happiness –
total disregard of everybody.
-Ashleigh Brilliant
When big hands touch the little hands…
Q: When does Micheal Jackson go to bed?
A: When the big hands touch the little hands.
Impressionist
I went out with a promiscuous impressionist… she did everybody else!
-Jay London
Tennis ball
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and
seeing none around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his
shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing,
waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the
large bulge in his shorts. “What’s that?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with
lust.
“Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.
“Oh,” said the blonde girl sympathetically, “that must be painful. I had
tennis elbow once.”
Caught in the act
A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words.”Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.”Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’ ……..So, here we are!”
Microsoft Sex
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands’ performances as lovers. The first woman says “My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.”The second woman says, “My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.”The third woman just shakes her head and says, “My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it’s going to be when I get it.”
Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Everyone felt shitty
Even the mouse
With mom at the whore house
And dad smoking grass
I had just settled down
For a nice piece of ass
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my piece to see what was the matter
Then up in the air I saw a big dick
I knew in a flash it must be St. Nick
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew right away that the fat fucker fell
He filled the stockings with doobies and beer
And a big rubber dick for my brother the queer
He went up the chimney and blew a big fart
The son of a bitch blew the chimney apart
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight
“Piss on you all and have a hell of a night!”