1. You have the right to swing first. Anything you do can and will lead to an ass-kicking. 2. You have the right to have a priest and/or an EMT present at the time of the ass-kicking. 3. If you don’t have a priest, one will be appointed free of charge, to read you your last prayer.The Miranda Rights As Cops Would Really Like To Read Them…..1. No, I don’t care who you are. 2. No, I don’t care who you know. 3. Yes… you DO pay my salary. 4. Yes… you CAN have my job. 5. No, I don’t have anything better to do. 6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes. 7. No, I am not picking on you because you are _____________ (fill in some ethnic group/race). 8. No, I can’t give you a break. 9. No, I don’t know your friend, Officer ______. 10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call. 11. Yes, I’m sure you will never do it again. 12. No, we can’t talk about it. 13. Yes, it DOES make me happy. 14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.
Author: admin
The Devil and the Lawyer
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, ”I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.” The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, ”So, what’s the catch?”
Q: How many Asians
Q: How many Asians does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Three. One to change it and two to go to the cash & carry.
Una pareja de novios est�
Una pareja de novios est� bes�ndose en el cine; de repente, la chica le reclama al novio:
“�No me pases el chicle, Federico!”
Confundido, el chico se defiende:
“Es que tengo gripa”.
Ten Things a Guy Learned From Action Movies
1. No matter what my problem is, it’s the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she’s cold or not from across the room.3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won’t he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.8. Anyone who isn’t a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
Women seeking men
“WOMEN SEEKING MEN” Classifieds translationsSpiritual means: Involved with a cultStable means: BoringTall, thin means: Anorexic
Gum Crossing
Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Because he was stuck to the chicken’s bottom.
Horse call
A wife slapped her husband around the face after discovering a piece of paper in his jacket pocket with the name Jo-anne written on it.
He protested: “It was the name of a horse I bet on yesterday.”
The following day she slapped him again.
“What was that for?” he said.
“Your horse called today!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
World Marching Girl
Bill and Hilary Clinton were the guests of honor at the World Marching Girl
and Drum Majorette Championships in New York.
Hilary noticed that Bill had a smile on his face, so she said, ” Well honey,
what are you smiling at?”
Bill replied, “Honey, if I had another inch, I’d be pretty popular amongst
them Marching Girls.”
A big smile came across Hilary’s face. Bill said, “What are you smiling
about?”
Hilary replied, “Bill, if you had one inch less, you’d be out there marching
with them.”
The Snail Returns
One day a guy heard a knock on his door, so he answered it and
no one was there. But he looked down and saw a snail. So he
picked up the snail and threw it as far as he could.
3 years later, the guy hears a knock on his door, so he answered
it and no one was there. He looked down and there was that same
snail. The snail said, “What the fuck was that all about?!?!”
Virgin wife
A recently married couple retire to their honeymoon suite. Before hopping into bed the bride says, “Now honey, you’ll be gentle with me won’t you. You know that I’m still a virgin.”
This clearly surprises the man, “What are you saying. Aren’t I your third husband?”
The woman replied, “Yes, but my first husband was a psychologist and all he liked to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he liked to do was look at it. Since you’re a lawyer, I’m pretty sure that I’m gonna get screwed!”
Is the Coast Clear?
A blonde and her husband are asleep when the phone rings, she answers it. After a few minutes the blonde says,”I don’t know. That’s like two thousand miles away,” and she hangs up the phone.
“Who was that?” asks her husband.
“It was some woman asking if the coast was clear!”