Author: admin

A man’s house is on fire. He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside. Then he runs back in and gets his daughter and brings her outside. Then his wife. Then the dog. Then he goes back in a couple of times without bringing out anybody. So a fireman asks him, “Why are you going back in there?” The man replies, “I’m turning over my mother in law.”

A couple desperate to have a baby went to their priest and asked him to pray
for them. “Next week I am going to Rome and while I am there I will light a
candle for you,” he replied.
Three years later the priest returned to his parish and went to see the young
couple’s house and found the wife to be pregnant and busy attending to two sets
of twins. The priest felt very elated and asked the girl where her husband was
so that he could congratulate him.
“He has gone away for a while,” came the harried reply.
“Where has he gone,” asked the priest.
She replied,” To Rome, to blow the damn candle out!”

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said ‘I’m off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.’ Wouldn’t you know it, a door-to-door baby photographer came by half an hour later, hoping to make a sale. Mrs. Jacobs answered the door. ‘Good morning, ma’am. You don’t know me, but I’ve come to…’ ‘Oh yes, I know why you’re here. Harry told me you’d be coming soon.’ ‘He did? But I…’ ‘Come right in! No use wasting time .’ ‘Very well, then.’ The photographer took out his briefcase and sat down. ‘As you may already know, I’ve made a specialty of babies.’ ‘Good, I’m glad,’ said Mrs. Jacobs. ‘That’s just what Harry and I were looking for.’ ‘I usually like to try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed,’ said the photographer. ‘The living room floor is fun too…you can really spread out.’ ‘Bathtub? Living room floor? No wonder it never worked for Harry and me.’ ‘Well, ma’am, none of us can guarantee a perfect one every time, but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I think you’ll be quite pleased with the results.’ ‘I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly,’ Mrs. Jacobs gasped nervously. ‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man must take his time. I’d like to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.’ ‘Don’t I know!’ said Mrs. Jacobs. The photographer pulled out a portfolio of his pictures. ‘This one was done on top of a bus in downtown London,’ he said, showing Mrs. Jacobs the picture. ‘Oh my God!’ exclaimed Mrs. Jacobs, tugging on her handkerchief. ‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with.’ He showed Mrs. Jacobs another picture. ‘She was difficult?’ questioned Mrs. Jacobs. ‘Extremely,’ said the photographer. ‘I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around, four and five deep, just to get a good look.’ ‘Four and five deep!’ Mrs. Jacobs was amazed. ‘Yes,’ said the photographer. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then, it started getting dark and I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment. I just packed it all in.’ Mrs. Jacobs leaned forward. ‘You mean the squirrels actually chewed on your, um…equipment?’ ‘Yes, ma’am. Thank God, no real damage was done. Well, we’ll get to work as soon as I set up my tripod.’ ‘Tripod? ‘ Mrs. Jacobs looked extremely worried now. ‘Of course. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much to big for me to hold while I’m getting ready for action. Ma’am…ma’am…good God, she’s fainted!’