Una pareja que tan s�lo

Una pareja que tan s�lo llevaba dos semanas de casados sostiene el siguiente di�logo, porque el marido, aunque se sent�a feliz, ya andaba con ganas de irse de parranda, as� que le dice a su mujer:

“Mi vida, ahorita vengo”.

“�Ad�nde vas, cari�o?” (Expresi�n de reci�n casados).

“Al bar mi cielito, a tomarme una cervecita”.

La mujer se lleva la mano a la cintura y le dice:

“�Quiere cervecita, mi amorcito?” Y en eso abre la puerta del frigor�fico y le ense�a 25 marcas de cerveza de 12 pa�ses diferentes: mexicanas, alemanas, holandesas, japonesas, etc.

El marido no sabe qu� hacer y se le ocurre decirle:

“�Ay, mi pichurri, pero en el bar, t� sabes, la jarra helada…!”

No terminaba de decir esto, cuando la esposa interrumpe dici�ndole:

“�Quiere jarra congelada mi amorcito?”

Saca del congelador una jarra helada, congelada, blanca, tan blanca que hasta temblaba de fr�o.

El marido apenado dice:

“S� churri m�a, pero en el bar sirven unas tapitas riqu�simas, vuelvo enseguida, �S�?”

“�Quiere tapitas, mi amorcito?”

Abre el horno y el frigor�fico y saca quince platos diferentes de tapas: aceitunas, chopitos, patatas bravas, alioli, cacahuates, palomitas, quesos, pat�, caviar, carnes fr�as, etc.

“Pero caramelito, en el bar, t� sabes, las maldiciones, las palabrotas y todo aquello…”

“�Quiere palabrotas, mi amorcito? Entonces, �te tomas la puta cerveza, en la jodida jarra helada y te comes las tapas, pero de aqu� no sales, hijo de puta!”

It’s Erev Rosh HaShanah, and services are…

It’s Erev Rosh HaShanah, and services
are about to begin. The synagogue is packed.
As the congregants are milling around,
shmoozing before services, everyone
seems to be distracted by a man who has
brought with him a St. Bernard dog. “What
chutzpah!” an elderly woman whispers
aloud.

Services begin, and everyone is fascinated
by how well the dog behaves.

The next morning, the man and his dog arrive
early and promptly begin dovening . This
time, the dog is wearing its own little tallis and
yarmulke, and even appears, upon closer
inspection, to be shuckling back and forth
as the hazzan intones the prayers. The
congregation is amazed.

The week goes by and Kol Nidre arrives. The
solemn worship service begins. The man
and his dog are back, and this time, just as
the hazzan is about to begin the prayers,
the dog stands up on its hind legs and howls
“Ba-ROOOOOOOCH….! ” more
melodically than the best hazzan.

After the service, everyone is clamoring to
meet this man and his remarkable dog.
Finally the rabbi comes up to him and says,
“That’s one talented pooch you have there.
You know, you should really consider
sending your dog to Rabbinical school.”

The man looks down, shakes his head,
throws up his hands in disgust and says,
“YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!”

Irish DUI

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. ”Aye, so I have. ‘Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called ‘Happy Hour’ and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness — couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later…” And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, ”Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.” ”Why? Don’t ye believe me?”

Women?

1) Is it just me or do women always have to own ten thousand
shoes that they never use?

2) Is is just me, or when you ask a women what’s wrong, and she
says something like “fine” or “nothing” it really means “I’m
pissed off at you and you have about twenty minutes to guess,
take responsibility say sorry ten times or your cut off for two
weeks.”

3) Why do women have to look at everything when they go
shopping? And then get mad at us when we don’t wanna go?

4) Why can’t we plain old quick hot monkey sex with a women,
instead of “making love”

5) Why can’t women accept the fact that lesbians are cool!

6) Why can’t women accept that when an attractive women walks by
with a low cut top and huge breasts we have no control over
staring at them!

7) Why can’t women get over the fact that when ever they ask
“how do I look”, and we say fine, we always have to say yes!

8) Sports are the ultimate escape for us guys who are no good at
them, let us watch them in peace or don’t expect us to go to a
ballet or opera.

9) If the toilet seat is up, do the logical thing and put it
down!

10) Don’t expect guys to like your dad or ex-boyfriend

11) Realize that guys are no too bright, so when we say we’re
fine we probably are. If you wanna know what is going on in a
guy’s mind it’s either the Smurfs theme music or some useless
sports stuff.