Beware the man of one book. – St. Thomas Aquinas
Author: admin
Landing in Toronto
The jumbo jet is just coming into an Airport in Toronto on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom.”This is Capt Johnson. We’re on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto. He forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, “Well skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto? Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.”Well,” says the skipper, “first I’m gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I’m gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I’m gonna wine and dine her , take her back to my room, and shag her all night.” Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She’s so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, “No need to run, dear, he’s gotta take a shit first!”
Yo mama at the beach
Yo mama is soooo ugly that when she goes to the beach, the waves dont come in, they go out.
12 pack
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle.
The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.
The father replies, ”Well, you see that 3-pack? That’s for when you’re in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.”
The son then asks his father, ”What’s the 6-pack for?”
The father replies, ”Well, that’s for when you’re in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.”
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ”Well, that’s for when you’re married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for…..”
Submitted by Curtis
Share Everything 50/50
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at
McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an
extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully
divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one
for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra
cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to
eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her
lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase
another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, “Oh, no. We’ve been married 50 years,
and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and
she replied, “Not yet. It’s his turn with the teeth.”
Family heritage
Three boys were waiting for the bus. The first one says, ” I have my grandma’s eyes.” The second says, “I have my mothers hair.” The third says, “I have my father’s pants!”
Vatican visit
As you’ve probably heard, the Pope has asked all the Cardinals to return to Rome.
You know how they got them all to come back?
They told them that there was going to be a performance by the Vienna Boys Choir.
Why does a Jewish American
Why does a Jewish American Princess wear a gold diaphragm?
So her boyfriend will think he is coming into money.
The Top 15 Pet Peeves of Newborns
15> Everybody gets a stogie but you.
14> You suspect Mom has been breastfeeding Dad behind your back, but you can’t prove it.
13> Bouncing, bouncing, always with the bouncing!
12> “Hey, *you’re* the one eating the garlic salami, don’t you dare complain about how *I* smell!”
11> Two boobs, but only one mouth.
10> No more “new womb” smell.
9> Milk, milk, milk, milk, milk! You can’t throw one lousy ribeye in a blender?
8> Mohels with a bad case of the shakes.
7> Mommy’s implants, while apparently essential to Daddy’s happiness, are seriously impeding your breakfast.
6> Hanging out at hotels is scary. (Michael Jackson’s newborns only)
5> My body, *MY* foreskin!
4> “The bough breaks and… they fall down? THEY ALL FALL DOWN?!? No wonder I can’t sleep!”
3> You’re still *months* from figuring out how to grab your private bits.
2> Losing that cool swept-back alien skull look after the first week.
1> Every time you finally get your diaper just the way you want it, some idiot comes along and changes it.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
You so ugly…
I know why you look like a horse, I saw your mom grazing in a field.
You so ugly, you make blind kids cry.
If ugliness were bricks, you’d be the Great Wall of China.
Your boy so ugly, you tried to give him a hickey and got a mouthful of fur.
You were so ugly at birth, your parents named you Shit Happens.
You so ugly, when you jerk off your hand tries to fall asleep.
You so ugly, you have to Trick or Treat by phone.
You so ugly, they call you Moses, cause everytime you step the water parts.
Why “Opposite Sex”?
If you want to know why they are called the ‘opposite sex’, express an opinion!
Women are like….
How are women like parking spaces?
The good ones are always taken, and the free ones are mostly handicapped.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo