Blue-haired old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next!”
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Author: admin
Stolen Merc
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favourite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around the store today before he needed her help.She obliged and let him do his thing. Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling,”Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!”Oscar panicked, “Did you try to stop him?”She said, “I did better than that! I got the license plate number!”
Get a Life
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed. Doctor: You should cut down on drinks. Patient: I don’t touch a drop.
Doctor: You should cut down on smoking. Patient: I don’t smoke. Doctor: You should stop taking drugs. Patient: I don’t do drugs.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing. Patient: Haven’t touched a woman in my life.
Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends!
What did the [ethnic] do
What did the [ethnic] do with his first fifty-cent piece?
He married her.
Gum
how did the gum get acrosed the road?
Signal Processing En
Q: How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three. One to Fouriev transform the lightbulb, one to apply a complex exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the removed lightbulb.
Bruised & Battered Student
As the policeman helped the bruised and battered student up from the road in front of the pub, he asked, “Can you describe the man who hit you?”
“Oh yes,” said the student, “That’s just what I was doing when he hit me”
Women seeking men
“WOMEN SEEKING MEN” Classifieds translationsLight drinker means: LushLooks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad lightLoves Travel means: If you’re paying
Live to be 100
A man asked his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, “Do you smoke or drink?””No,” he replied, “I’ve never done either.””Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?” inquired the doctor.”No, I’ve never done any of those things either.””Well then,” said the doctor, “what do you want to live to be a hundred for?”
New Rolls-Royce
An old man uses his life’s savings to buy a Rolls-Royce.
The salesman explains how the old man has to start the car, warm the car, fill the car and handle the car.
Overwhelmed, the man drives off, and a mile down the road, the car stalls.
A truck pulls up, and a young man gets out to help. He checks under the hood for the old man.
“I found it,” the young man eventually calls out. “Just crap in the carburetor.”
The old man groans, “I have to do that too?”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
On Sale Now!
A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person “How much are the washer and dryer?”
“Five dollars for both of them,” the salesman said.
“Yeah right, you’ve got to be kidding me!” the man replied sarcastically.
“No, that’s the price,” the salesman said, “Do you want to buy them or not?”
“Yeah, I’ll take them!” the customer responded.
He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. “How much?” he asked.
“Five dollars for the system,” the salesman answered.
“Is it stolen?” the guy asks.
“No,” said the salesman, “It’s brand new, do you want it or not?”
“Sure,” the customer replied. He looked around some more.
Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. “How much?”
“Five dollars,” was the familiar response.
“I’ll take that too!” the man said.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
“Why are your prices so cheap?”
The salesman said, “Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he’s doing to her, I’m doing to his business!”
Zoo Visit
A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger’s cage at the zoo.
Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression.
Dad,” the boy said finally, “if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up …”
“Yes, son?” the father said expectantly.
“What bus should I take home?” the boy finished.