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Two Irish Nuns

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Two Irish Nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat. One nun says to the other
“I heard that the occupants of this country eat dogs.”

“Odd,” her companion replied, “but if we shall live in America we might as
well do as Americans do.”

So both Nuns walk towards a hot dog vendor. “Two Dogs, please,” says the first
Nun. The vendor is only too happy to oblige, and wraps 2 hot dogs in foil.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs”. The first
Nun opens hers and stares at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun
cautiously ask, “What part of the dog did you get?”

THE TALKING CLOCK

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While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led
the way into the den.
“What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked.
“That is the talking clock,” the man replied.
“How’s it work?” the friend asked.
“Watch,” the student said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering
pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “KNOCK IT OFF, YOU
JERK! It’s two AM!”

Al Gore & Religion

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Have any of you heard how Al Gore lives a Christ centered life? He gave a
big speech about how his faith is so important to him. Well the funny part
is, he said his favorite Bible verse is John 16:3. Of course the speech
writer meant 3:16, but wasn’t familiar enough to catch the error. Well,
John 16:3 is, “And they will do this because they have not known the
Father or me.”

Una maestra llev� a sus

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Una maestra llev� a sus alumnos al zool�gico; cuando se detuvieron enfrente de la jaula del chango, vieron que �ste se met�a semillas por el culo antes de com�rselas. La maestra, muy enojada, va a reclamarle al director del zool�gico:

“��igame imb�cil, el simio degenerado que tienen se mete las semillas por el culo y luego se las come! �Qu� no se da cuenta que esa es muy mala imagen para los ni�os?”

“Disc�lpeme se�ora, pero si usted estuviera en el lugar del chango har�a exactamente lo mismo”.

“�Mire tarado, yo no soy as� de cochina! �Por qu� dice que har�a lo mismo?”

“Hace dos meses un grupo de ni�os vino al zool�gico y le tiraron al mono un mango… �el pendejo se lo comi� entero y despu�s lo tuvimos que operar del culo porque no le pod�a salir el hueso del mango!”

Divorce Can Wait

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A wife was having coffee with a girlfriend of hers when she confided to her, “Our marriage has never been that great, but this year has been the absolute worst between my husband and I.

Harry often yells at me, criticizes me, puts me down, plus he never helps out with anything around the house, and I keep getting the feeling that he’s screwing his secretary. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep…in fact, I’ve already lost eight pounds this month alone!”

“Well, why don’t you dump the bastard?!?” her friend said.

To which the wife replied, “Oh, I plan to do that, but first I want to get my weight down to 115 pounds.”

Kiwi and Aussie

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An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin’ at it with a sheep.

The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer.

He taps him on the shoulder and says, “You know mate, back home, we shear those!”

The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, “I’m not bloody SHEARING this with no one!”