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The Priest and the Rabbi.

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A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from
each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to
buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between
them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water
on their new car. It didn�t need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest
what he was doing. “I�m blessing it,” the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He
reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and
cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

Sneaky Lawyer

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A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: ‘My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.’

‘Well put, ‘ the judge replied. ‘Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.’

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

20 responses to wrong #’s 2

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This is Part 2 to the 20 responses to wrong numbers. This also
can be used for salespeople…

21. “Talk” in an animal voice, example “Meowmeow? ohhhh meow
meow meow meow”

22. Talk to them like you’re an answering machine and when they
say something, respond to it.

23. Act like you know them and if they ask you a trick question
and you got it wrong say, “You know me…forgetful”

24. Say you can’t speak English…in English.

25. Ask them what color phone they have. When they say a color
comment on what a nice color that their phone is. example: wrong
number person: “Uhhhh, my phone’s yellow” You: oh! pink is such
a nice color.

26. Yell at them for not calling sooner and than ask who they
are.

27. Ask them personal questions.

28. Pretend to be going to the bathroom while you’re talking to
them.

29. Offer to draw them.

30. Ask what city you should blow up, when/if they suggest a
city, threaten to call the police.

31. Tell them what you’re doing to them. example: “I’m blowing
bubbles in your face and you’re hungry, so I go to the
bathroom…”

32. Ask them to stop speaking, time the silence, if they speak
tell them that this has been going on since 1877 and if they
don’t email this to 1000 people in ten minutes…..(you get the
idea)

33. Pretend you are an answering machine and go on and on until
they hang up.

34.Don’t speak to them until they’re about to hang up and keep
repeating this process until they hang up.

35. Tell them to stop calling, if they call back greet them
warmly and tell them how nice the day is.

36. Eat some food, ask them if they want any.

37. Pretend you are Pizza Hut and keep asking how may you help
them, sound like a broken record.

38. “Show” them your pictures of them naked, this is particualy
funny when you explain the opposite sex of what they are.

39. If it’s a guy, tell them how small his dick is, if it’s a
girl, tell her how small her ass or boobs are.

40. Whenever they tell you something say, so?

May I take your order…

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A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall:

$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye.

She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer’s table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, –

“You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that’s the first time in ten years we’ve been out of rye bread!”

Turtle Soup

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“Turtle Soup”

Waitress walks up to a man and says,
“Hi, May I take your order please?”
The man replies, “Yes, can I get the turtle soup please.”
The waitress walks off to go get his order, but the man changes his mind and decides he wants pea soup instead. He calls for the waitress and says, “Hold the turtle, make it pea!”

It’s over!

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Trying to disguise his voice, Carl calls his ex-wife and asks to speak to himself.

Jody, his former Mrs says, “Carl, look, we are not married anymore — quit bothering me !”

Next day, Carl calls again, resulting in the same sequence of events.

The following day though when he called, his ex-wife said, “Listen Bozo. I told you we’re divorced, split, it’s over — period ! We’re divorced. Why do you keep calling here ?”

“Well Jody, it’s just that I can’t hear that often enough.”

Cabbie

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A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket.

If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!”

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked?

“Fifteen bucks,” came the reply.

“And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?”

“What?! Get the hell out of my cab.”

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?”

The cabbie replied “fifteen bucks.”

The businessman said “ok” and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

Right woman

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Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old buddy Johnny, “How come you
aren’t married?”

Johnny: “I haven’t found the right woman yet.”

George: “So what are you looking for?”

Johnny: “Oh she’s got to be real pretty, – a good cook and house-keeper, and
she’s got to know how to handle money, a really nice and pleasant personality is
a must -and money, she’s got to have money…and a home, a nice big house, is
what she has to have.”

George: “A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU.”

Johnny: “Oh, its okay if she is crazy.”

The Pitch

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There once were two best friends named Bob and Earl. They were two of the
biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives revolved around
baseball. Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they
examined every box score during the season. They went to over 60 games a year.
They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the
other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching a Yankee victory
earlier in the evening. He died a happy man.

A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from
beyond.

“Bob is that you?” Earl asked.

“Of course it me,” Bob replied.

“This is unbelievable!” Earl exclaimed, “So tell me, is there baseball in
heaven?”

“Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to
hear first?”

“Tell me the good news first.”

“Well, the good news is that there is baseball in heaven, Earl.”

“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”

“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”

Who owns the cows?

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After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father�s activities and be introduced to his father�s clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped to set it up.The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer–a rough man with calloused hands who was dressed in workman�s clothing. He said,”Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows.”The lawyer said, “Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don’t worry about the cows!”The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a landowner. He said, “My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows.”The lawyer said, “Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don’t worry about the cows!”After the client left, the lawyer�s son could not help but express his concern. “Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concernng these cows.””Don�t worry about the cows!” the lawyer said. “The cows will be ours!”