Yours Fun Portal !
A guy is driving down a deserted highway.
He pulls up to an intersection, and rolls through the stop sign.
From out of nowhere, a cop car pulls him over.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
GUY: Hey, I slowed down, didn’t I???
COP: You must come to a full stop at the sign.
GUY: Stop. Slow down. What’s the difference?
The cop pulls out his baton and starts to pound the man without mercy.
COP: Well? Do you want me to STOP or SLOW DOWN?
“Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
[Uh-oh. Well, let’s give it a try anyway.] “Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”“What’s a sea-prompt?”
[Uh-huh, thought so. Let’s try a different tack.] “Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
[Ah–at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he’s kicked out his/her monitor’s power plug.] “Does your monitor have a power indicator?”“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] “Yes, I think so.”“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
[pause] “Yes, it is.” [Hmm. Well, that’s interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don’t want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don’t know what kind of monitor s/he has and it’s bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
[muffled] “Okay, here it is.”“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
[still muffled] “I can’t reach.”“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
[clear again] “No.”“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle–it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes–the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”
“A power–!?!” …[AAAAAAARGH!]
“A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!” [slam]
Heaven is…
when the French are the cooks,
the Italians are the lovers,
the British are the police,
the Germans are the mechanics
and the Swiss run the hotels.
Hell is…
when the British are the cooks,
the Swiss are the lovers,
the Italians are the mechanics,
the French run the hotels
and the Germans are the police.
A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.
A bear walks in to the bar and asks the bartender serve me a drink the bartender says no.the bear ask why? the bartender says we dont serve to bears! the bear gets outraged and starts tearin down the bar and eats a woman and leaves. The next day the bear comes back and tells the bartender to serve him a drink or the samething will happen that happen yesterday and the bartender says I told you we dont serve to bears or drug addicts! the bear says drug addict im not a drug addict!the bartender says what about the BAR BITCH YOU ATE! KEEP IN MIND A BARBITCUATE IS A DRUG
A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. “I
want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then
skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see
you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20
pounds.
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my
instructions?”
The blonde nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop
dead that 3rd day.”
“From hunger, you mean?”
“No, from skipping.
I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that his or her hair
wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After
going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to
fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I
started to explain the length of the flight and the passport
information when she interrupted me with, “I’m not trying to
make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.” Without
trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained,
“Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her
response…click.
I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see
England From Canada?” I said, “No.” He said “But they look so
close on the map.”
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.
When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour
layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car,
he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport and I need a car to
drive between the gates to save time.”
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible
that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago
at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of
Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time
zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she
bought that!
A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to
who?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I
checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that
said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After
putting her on hold for a minute while I “looked into it” (I was
actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for
Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a
destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know
which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, which
he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of
these darn planes have numbers on them.
A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of
those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola
on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he
needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion
about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I
don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one
of those.” I doublechecked and sure enough, his stay required a
visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China
four times and every time they have accepted my American
Express.”
A woman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago
to Hippopotamus, New York.” The agent was at a loss for words.
Finally, the agent: “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?”
“Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer. After
some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am,
I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find
a Hippopotamus anywhere.” The customer retorted, “Oh don’t be
silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” The agent
scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You
don’t mean Buffalo, do you?”
Why’d the man take Viagra eyedrops?
Because he wanted to look hard!
A college football coach had recruited a top talent, but the player couldn’t pass the school’s entrance exam. Needing the recruit badly, the coach went to the dean and asked if the recruit could take the test orally.
The dean agreed, and the following day the recruit and the coach were seated in his office. “Okay,” the dean said. “What is seven times seven?”
The recruit mulled it over for a moment, then said, “I think it’s 49.”
Suddenly the coach leapt to his feet. “Please, Dean,” he begged, “give him another chance!”
Moments before a Redneck wedding, a groom and his best man, who go back a long way as friends and fellow playboys, compare conquests.
The groom says, �You know, except for my wife to be, and obviously my sister and my mother, I�ve slept with every woman here.�
�Well, then,� replies the best man, �between the two of us, we�ve had them all!�
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Q: What key is “Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight” written in?A: C sharp or B flat.
President Bush said he was ‘troubled’ by gay people getting married in San Francisco.
He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges.
Unless of course we’re choosing a president, then he prefers judges.
—Jay Leno