A man walks into a butchers and says”Excuse me sir, but have you got a pigs head?” The butcher replies “why of course we have.” the man turned to the butcher and said, “well then give me a pound of mince u porky faced bastard!”
Author: admin
You Know You’re a Programmer When …
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When you are counting objects, you go “0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D…”.
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
When your wife says “If you don’t turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!”, and you chastise her for for omitting the “else” clause.
You try to s sleep(8 * 3600);
When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page..
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialling an IP number…
When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you’re doing the math in octal.
When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.
With a man?
A Blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That’s nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: (looking shocked) Oh, you mean with one guy.
Cheap meat
Q:what is the cheapest meat you can buy?
A:deer balls because its under a buck.
Car Horn
One day, a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blonde’s new car. Suddenly, some jerk pulls in front of them. The blonde then puts her lips on the steering wheel.
The brunette feared for her life, but had the courage to ask, “What are you doing?!”
The blonde calmly replied, “I’m trying to blow the horn.”
Being an Australian
This is was actually true………….
There was once a girl named ‘Rebecca’ who asked this other girl
‘Sophie’ a question….
And this is how it goes:
Rebecca: Sophie, are you a vegetarian?
Sophie: Of course not……..because I’m an Austalian!!
blode in car…
one day on the high way a car starts swerving out of nowhere going back and forth and so on and someone calls the police on their cell phone. the police officer meets up with the car and a blonde rolls down the window and says”oh officer thank god you’re here there was a tree in the middle of the road and then another and i had to swerve to keep from hitting it” and the officer stares briefly at the blonde then says”ma’am that’s you’re air freshener.”
Misguided
A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the
third day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in circles.
“We’re lost!” One of the hikers complained.
“And you said you were the best guide in the United States.”
“I am,” the guide answered, ” but I think we may have wandered into Canada.”‘
Love dress
A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. “What are you doing?” she asks. “Mom, it’s my LOVE dress!! Don’t you like it?” I’ll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over” replies the mom.
When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. “Now what are you doing?” “Mom, it’s my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!”
Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: “Honey, what are you doing?” she give him the same answer her daughter gave her, “It’s my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?” Her husband thinks long and hard and says, “I think you should have ironed it!”
A pipe burst
A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived,
unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed
the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a
doctor!”
The plumber quietly answered, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”
Tough Mice
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, “When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.”
The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies: “Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.”
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, “I don’t have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat.”
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing…
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was
attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed
him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened
it’s mouth waiting below to swallow them both. As the man sailed head
over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious
beast he cried out, “Oh, my God! Help me!”
Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in midair a
booming voice came out of the clouds and said, “I thought you didn’t
believe in Me!”
“God, come on, give me a break!” the man pleaded, “Just
seconds ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”
“Well,”
said God, “now that you are a believer you must understand that I won’t
work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the
monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?”
The
atheist thinks for a minute then says, “God, please have the Loch Ness
Monster believe in You also.” God replies, “So be it.”
The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the
ravenous jaws of the monster. The Loch Ness Monster folds his claws
together and says, “Lord, bless this food You have so graciously
provided”