15> Get Your Soul Into Salvation Shape by Summer!14> 10 Sexual Techniques from Buddha for Plus-Sized Lovers13> Communion Wafers — A Carbohydrate Nightmare12> Are You Compatible With Jesus? Take This Quiz!11> Kosher Couture — News About Shoes for Jews10> Meditation: More Than Just Sitting There Thinking About Stuff?9> The Eighth Sacrament: Bikini Waxing8> What Would Jesus Do (About Those Unsightly Hips)?7> New Age Crystal Powers — ‘Cause You’ll Believe Just About Anything6> He Loves Us All — So How Do You Get Jesus to Pay Attention to Only You?5> Evangelism: Doing His Will in a Missionary Position4> Finding the Perfect Crucifix for YOUR Cleavage3> Jesus? Moses? Mohammed? Which Prophet Is Your Ideal Guy?2> 3 Paths to Spiritual Enlightenment — and Slimmer Thighs!1> Worship and Prayer: 2 More Things You Can Do on Your Knees [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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Basketball
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Because they can run, shoot, and steal.
Un tipo que trabaja en
Un tipo que trabaja en una empresa, agarra el tel�fono y llama a la recepci�n para hablar con el afanador y al contestar el tel�fono, dice:
�HEY PU�AL, MUEVE EL TRASERO Y TRAEME UNA COCA DE DIETA, CON UNA TORTA Y UNAS PAPAS, RAPIDITO Y DE BUEN MODO CABRON, QUE NO TENGO TU TIEMPO!”
Al otro lado del tel�fono se oye una voz varonil que le dice:
“�OYE PENDEJO, TE EQUIVOCASTE DE EXTENSION, �SABES CON QUIEN ESTAS HABLANDO? ESTAS HABLANDO CON EL DIRECTOR GENERAL DE LA EMPRESA IMBECIL!”
El tipo sorprendido le responde: “�Y QUE WEY?, PINCHE NEGRERO, HIJO DE LA CHINGADA �ACASO SABES TU CON QUIEN ESTAS HABLANDO?”
El director sorprendido responde: “NO”.
El empleado le contesta: “UTA, MENOS MAL, CABRON, BYE”
Hiring an accountant
Kowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good
paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his
education, but then asked him, “What is three times seven?”
“Twenty-two,” Kowalski replied.
After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have
taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn’t get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He
was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious.
The next day, Kowalski went in and asked why he got the job, even though he
got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, “Well, you were
the closest.”
Only a year to live
A man went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness and only a
year to live.
So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation,he
asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.
“What you should do is go out and buy an old Dodge Pickup.” said the Pastor.
“Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an
old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma.”
“Will this help me live longer?”
“No,” said the pastor, “but it will make what time you do have seem like
forever.”
Smarter Than We Think
John and Nancy decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their six-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plans into operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said. “An ambulance just drove by.” A few moments passed. “Looks like the Smiths have company,” he called out, “Matt is riding a new bike and the Sanders are having sex.”
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked.
“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.
Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery
– OOPS !!
– I wonder what this does!
– Hand me the saw someone!
– Did he say the right or left leg?
– It is now out of my hands…Nurse, could you grab it? It’s over there
behind the keg.
– I’d feel alot better about this if the dotted lines were pre-drawn like
back at night school.
– Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop.
– Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!
– Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
– Hand me that…uh…that uh…thingie.
– Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
– Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
– Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
– Rats, there go the lights again…
– “Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys and this guy’s got two of ’em.”
– Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens.
– Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration
off.
– What’s this doing here?
– That’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
– I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.
– Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
– What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change…!
– Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
– And now we remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the
ape.
– OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
– This patient has already had kids, am I correct ?
– Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card ?
– Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.
– She’s gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
– FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out !
– Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing !
– Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.
– What do you mean you want a divorce ?
Untitled joke
What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
HEALTH PLAN (warning: explicit)
How good is YOUR insurance?HEALTH PLAN A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he is working in. The intern walks past a room where a man is vigorously masturbating nonstop.The intern asks the doctor he is with why that man was doing such a thing out in the open.The doctor says: ‘Oh, he has a medical condition where sperm builds up SO quickly in his body, he has to masturbate constantly or he will explode.”Oh, I see’ says the intern. They walk past another room where the intern sees a man laying on a stretcher getting a blow job from a nurse.Again, he asks the doctor ‘What is up with THAT?’ The doctor says: ‘Same condition,better medical plan.’
Un se�or est� con un
Un se�or est� con un paquete de papeles frente a la trituradora. Luce desconcertado, mira por un lado, mira por el otro. En eso pasa un empleado y muy amablemente le ofrece ayuda, toma el paquete de papeles, los coloca en una ranura y se oye el ruido que produce la m�quina cuando se hacen trizas.
El empleado le dice al se�or:
“�Ve qu� f�cil?”
El se�or le dice:
“Y por d�nde salen las copias?”
Old Relatives
When I was younger I hated going to weddings …
it seemed that all of my aunts and the
grandmotherly types used to come up to me,
poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, ‘You’re next.’
They stopped that shit after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
You might be a redneck if you’ve been married three times and you still have the same in-laws!