Try to help the people

A big, burly man visited the pastor’s home and asked to see the minister’s wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.”Madam,” he said in a broken voice, “I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400.””How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife. “May I ask who you are?”The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. “I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.

Blonde quickies 61-80

61.
Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning ?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

62.
Q: What’s the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themself.
A2: Walks home.

63.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said “DON’T WALK”.

64.
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A: Fertilised.

65.
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilised.

66.
Q: What’s the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.

67.
Q: What’s a blonde’s idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.

68.
Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex ?
A: Kick open the car door.

69.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who was disappointed when she got her driver’s license?
A: The instructor gave her an “F” in sex.

70.
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.

71.
Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.

72.
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

73.
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

74.
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It’s on. It’s off. It’s on. It’s off. It’s on. It’s off.

75.
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

76.
Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An Air Bag.

77.
Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A: Cause she blows the horn!!!!!

78.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw “911” on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

79.
Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blond?
A: Bucket seats.

80.
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band/team?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Rams?

First Draft of Bush’s Inaugural Address

My fellow Armenians,

As I stand here today, looking out over this magnificent Viagra, I think we
can agree that the past is over. Our country is ready for a fresh, bipolar
approach.

I want to bring America together. We are the hill shining on a
city, and each of us can get to the top if we set our feet to it Americans have
made their decision. They don’t need sympathy; they need ablutions. We need to
move beyond the petty armadillos.

Politics doesn’t have to be the way it is today. We can make the pie higher. A
high pie lets everyone put food on their family and their family on the table.

That’s my record: I side with the people. And the B-side of my record is
Billy-Joe Gibbs and the Shoeshine Boys singing “Streets in Laredo”.

(Music break)

A president has to think not only of himself and his family and his baseball
team’s families, but of all American families. I don’t believe a president
should be choosing who the right Americans is and who the wrong Americans are.
All of us are together, white or wrong, black or right. Or perversely. That’s
why my tax cut is as broad as we are. And it will give our expansion a timely
second dose of wind.

(Zantac commercial)

I say there’s a cost to inaction. I haven’t done the acrobatics, but it’s
probably around a trillion dollars. That’s a good round sum to offer to
everyone, especially our seniors, who are the backache of our nation. I would
like to take a moment to mention my mother, Barbara Bush, who taught me to read
and write when I was still knee-high to a lawnmower. We need our seniors to be
free to pass on their life’s work to those they love, and especially to pass
on.

Thanks, Mom and Dad.

(Applause; tears)

We know that America is the best in the world. We are the great super-premium;
we cannot afford to be unleaded. This is still a world of madmen and mental
losses. And mental loss is easy to underestimate. We need a sharpened sword to
light our way. To quote Ronald Reagan: “I do not believe in a fate that will
fall on us if we do nothing. I do believe in a fate that will fall on us if we
do something. And it must never run our lives.”

(Exxon commercial).

The purpose of prosperity is to make sure the American dream touches every
killing heart. Progress can be slow; you measure it in inches and feet, not
miles or kilograms. Or cantilevers. I worked in Texas by common sense and plain
dozing. I got on with small business, because I was one myself. I’m less now.
But I’m also more. We are all less and more. More or less. And I believe we must
match our compassionate hearts to our preservative minds.
I know you would rather be watching TV, and so would I, so I will draw to
confusion. My message is: I will get things done. I will inspire and untie. I
will appeal to people’s better angles. I will prove that politics can be bigger
than you ever thought possible. We will trust the people we serve, and serve the
people we trust. Together, we can do what needs to be done to preserve this
great bastard of freedom.

Thank you and God help America.

Grabaci�n de la contestadora del

Grabaci�n de la contestadora del Instituto de Salud Mental

Gracias por llamar al Instituto de Salud Mental, su m�s sana compa��a en sus momentos de mayor locura:

� Si usted es obsesivo-compulsivo, presione repetidamente el n�mero 1.
� Si usted es co-dependiente, p�dale a alguien que presione el n�mero 2 por usted.
� Si usted tiene m�ltiples personalidades, presione el 3, 4, 5, y 6.
� Si usted es paranoico, nosotros ya sabemos qui�n es usted, sabemos lo que hace, y sabemos lo que quiere. Espere en la l�nea mientras rastreamos su llamada.
� Si usted sufre de alucinaciones, presione el 7 y su llamada ser� transferida al departamento de ‘Elefantes Rosados’.
� Si usted es esquizofr�nico, escuche cuidadosamente, y una peque�a voz le dir� cu�l n�mero presionar.
� Si usted es depresivo, no importa cual n�mero marque. Nadie le va a contestar.
� Si usted sufre de amnesia, presione 8 y diga en voz alta su nombre, direcci�n, tel�fonos, c�dula, fecha de nacimiento, estado civil y el apellido de soltera de su madre.
� Si usted sufre de estr�s post-traum�tico, presione lentamente la tecla # hasta que alguien se apiade de usted.
� Si usted sufre de indecisi�n, deje su mensaje luego de escuchar el tono, o antes del tono, o despu�s del tono, o durante el tono. En todo caso, espere el tono.
� Si sufre de p�rdida de la memoria a corto plazo, presione 9. Si sufre de perdida de la memoria a corto plazo, presione 9. Si sufre de perdida de la memoria a corto plazo, presione 9. Si sufre de perdida de la memoria a corto plazo, presione 9.
� Si tiene la autoestima baja, por favor cuelgue. Todos nuestros operadores est�n ocupados atendiendo a personas m�s importantes que usted.

The 2 deer hunters.

Two guys are out hunting deer…

The first guy says, “Did you see that?…pointing to the sky.”
“No,” the second guy says.
“Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead!” the first guy says.
“Oh,” says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, the first guy says, “Did you see that?”
“See what?” the second guy asks.
“Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there!”
“Yah, Ok”, says the second guy again with a bit of irritation in his voice.

A few minutes later the first guy says: “Did you see that?”
This time pointing behind them.

By now, the second guy is getting very aggravated and says, “Yah, I SAW IT!”

And the first guy says: “Then why did you step in it?”