A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face — some even look a little frightened — and Clinton isn’t in the room.’What’s the matter’ he asked’Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news”What’s the bad news?”India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test site; Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China is warning them both that this could lead to regional war — that may go nuclear.”Oh my God, what could be worse than that?”Bill just got hold of some Viagra’
Author: admin
Q: How many Japanese
Q: How many Japanese industrialists does it take to change a light bulb?A: Three–one to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to change the bulb, and one to look into the export potential of the old bulb.
Haunted Bathroom
One day, an English man, a Scott and an Irish man were waiting
to go to the toilet. The first one to enter the bathroom was the
English man. He was just about to do his buisness when all of a
sudden he froze. He had heard a voice, a chilling, spinetingling
whisper. He then looked around and saw no body. By now he had
already lost concentration of where he was aiming for and wet
himself. But he was to scared to move. He then heard it again,
he heard it more clearly this time. It said “I’m going to rip
your legs off and eat you!”.
by this time the English man had ran and jumped out of the open
window and landed on the ground outside, dead! He had fallen 20
ft out of an apartment building.
Next the Scott couldn’t wait any longer and came in after the
Emglish man. But found nothing. He was ready to do his buisness
when he to heard a voice. He thought it was the English man in
one of the cubicles, but when he searched he found no-one. he
then countinued relieving himself until again he heard the
voice. He was now scared stiff as he could see no one and could
here some one. The voice was saying, “I’m going to rip off your
arms and your legs and eat you.” And with all the Scotts
wisdom… he jumped out the window.
Now the Irish man, as stupid as he may be, decided to
investigate what was going on. He went inside the door and
straight away he coudl feel a presence in the room with him. he
then began to search the bathroom from top till bottom until he
heard the voice. It said, “I’m going to rip off your arms, your
legs and your head, then i’m goin to eat you!” the Irish man
wasn’t scared abit. The next thing you know he looked in the
cupboard where all the medicines are kept to find a small child
eating gummy bears!
The dead redneck!
A redneck named Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for.
Clem went in first, and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Clem said, Yup, he’s burnt real bad; but you’ll have to roll him over if you want me to identify him.”
So the mortician rolled the corpse over and Clem looked and said, “Nope, it ain’t Clyde.”
The mortician thought that was rather strange, but proceeded to bring in Zeke to identify the body. After the sheet was pulled back, Zeke took a look and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad; roll him over.”
So, again the mortician rolled the burnt corpse over, and Zeke looked down and said, “Nope, it ain’t Clyde.”
Frustrated, the mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Zeke answered, “Well, Clyde had two assholes.”
“What!?” The disbelieving mortician asked, “He had TWO assholes?”
“Yup, that’s right, everybody knew Clyde had two assholes.
Ever time we went to town, folks would say…
‘Here comes that thar Clyde with them two assholes!’
In his own defence
After being sentenced to 32 years in jail for robbery, Alvin Washington of Clifton Heights, Pa., argued, successfully, that he should have a new trial because he wasn’t given the opportunity to defend himself in the first proceeding. At the second trial he was his own lawyer and this time was given an 80-year sentence.
A quote on marriage
Marriage still confers one very special privilege – only a married person can get divorced.
Anything But Cheerios
A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The
7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin
swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old
says, ”When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I’ll say ‘hell’ and
you say ‘ass’.”
The 4-year-old happily agrees.
As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother
walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The
7-year-old replies, ”Aw hell, Mom, I’ll just have some Cheerios.”
The surprised mother reacts quickly and whacks him one. The boy runs upstairs,
bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother
then asks the younger son, ”And what would YOU like for breakfast?”
”I don’t know,” the 4-year-old blubbers, ”but you can bet your ASS it’s not
gonna be Cheerios!”
Roast Ghost
KAY MARTIN, a secretary to a New Zealand MP, got the fright of her life a few weeks ago. According to the Auckland Sunday Star, she and a friend were chatting over a drink when they heard a chicken squawking. The bird sounded in some distress, so they went outside to investigate, thinking perhaps that it had escaped from one of the neighbours. But there were no chickens anywhere.
Then Martin realized with horror that the sound was coming from her own kitchen–coming, in fact, from the oven, where she had put a chicken in to roast half an hour earlier. “It was as if it was shrieking at me from its grave,” she says. “It was so bizarre I just froze.”
As they approached the oven, the squawking reached a crescendo. They took the tray out, and as the chicken began to cool, the squawking died away. Martin chopped the neck off and threw it in the sink. She noticed that the vocal chords were intact.
“Steam was coming up the neck from the stuffing,” says Martin, and this had caused the dead bird to squawk. She has not cooked chicken since.
Miner visits bar
A miner comes out of the hills, enters a bar, and orders a drink. Looking
around, he asks the bartender, “Hey, where�re all the
Women?”
The Barman replies, “Isn�t no women here, not far a long time�.
“Well what do y�all do?”
“We do it with the animals.”
Thoroughly disgusted, he ordered another drink and headed back to the hills.
Months later, same story… After downing too many whiskeys he asked the
bartender, “You�re sure you do it with the animals?”
“Yes, we do, sir”
Hearing this, he raced into the street and saw a pig run into an alley. He
chased after it and started having his way with
It, the pig squealing. After a while he heard a noise behind him. He turned to
look and saw half the town, horrified.
The bartender was in front and said, “My God, man, what are you doing?”
“I thought you said you all did it with the animals.”
One-Armed Man
Q: How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?
A: wave at him.
Relative to what?
Two economists meet on the street.
One inquires, “How’s your wife?”
The other responds, “Relative to what?”
What do you get when
What do you get when you gross a Pitbull and a Redneck?
A white neighbourhood.