- “Filthy Stinking Rich… Well, Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad”
- “Real Men Don’t Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair”
- “I Used Up All My Sick Days… So I Called In Dead”
- “Husband and Cat Lost… Reward for Cat”
- “Be Nice to Your Children… They’ll Pick Your Nursing Home”
- “Husbands Should Come With Instructions”
- “Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time”
- “Even If You Lead a Good Life, Go to Church and Say Your Prayers, You’ll Still Go to Des Moines When You Die”
- “I Want It All and I Want It Delivered… Now ! “
- “Life Is Hard; Then Your Not Here “
- “Bigamy Is Having One Wife Too Many. Monogamy Is the Same”
- “I’m Not Suddenly a Dirty Old Man… I’ve Been Practicing Since 1949”
- “Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton”
- “Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt”
- “Learn from Your Parents’ Mistakes… Use Birth Control”
- “60-Year-Old, One Owner, Needs Parts… Make Offer”
- “If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees”
- “If You Can Read This…Kiss A Teecher”
- “A Nest Isn’t Empty Until All Their Stuff Is Out of the Attic”
- “That’s It! I’m Calling Grandma!”
- “Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up”
- “My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink”
- “I Yell Because I Care”
- “If You Remember the ’60s, You Weren’t Really There”
- “Procrastinate Now”
- “Rehab Is for Quitters”
- “Re-Elect Nobody”
- (Across a drawing of a skeleton) “Waiting for the Perfect Man”
- “My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse… He Couldn’t do Better and I Couldn’t Do Worse”
- “My Dog Can Lick Anyone”
- “Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups”
- (On a baby-size shirt) “Party – My Crib – Two A.M.”
- “I Don’t Suffer from Insanity…. I’m a Carrier”
- “El Nino Made Me Do It”
- “The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley”
- “I’m Not 50. I’m $49.95 Plus Shipping & Handling “
- “You Who Think You Know It All Are Damn Annoying to Those of Us Who Do”
- “I Am the Person Your Parents Warned You About”
- “The Two Most Common Elements in the Universe Are Hydrogen and Stupidity”
- “I’m Not Getting Older….I’m Getting Meaner “
- “That Was Zen; This Is Tao”
- “Fifty Is the Ultimate F-Word”
- “Aliens Have Examined My Internal Organs “
- “It IS As Bad As You Think, and They ARE Out to Get You”
- “I’m on a 30-Day Diet. So Far I’ve Lost 15 Days”
- “Why Is ‘Abbreviation’ Such a Long Word?”
- “There Are Three Kinds of People… Those Who Can Count and Those Who Can’t”
- “Familiarity Breeds”
- “Proofread Carefully to See If You Any Words Out”
- “Your Kid May Be an Honor Student, But You’re Still an idiot”
- “When You Do a Good Deed, Get a Receipt, in Case Heaven Is Like the IRS”
- “Sometimes I Fantasize That I’m Rich Enough to Be a Republican”
- “I Killed a Six Pack Just to See It Die”
- “A Freudian Slip Is When You Say One Thing But Mean Your Mother”
- “Disregard Last T-Shirt”
- “I Do Whatever the Voices Tell Me to Do”
- “I’m Retired and This Is As Dressed Up As I’m Gonna Get”
- “Growing Old Is Mandatory… Growing Up Is Optional”
- I’m Not 50–I’m 18 with 32 Years Experience”
- “Parents of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young”
- “My Wife Says I Don’t Listen to Her…Well ? “
- “Over the Hill? What Hill? I Didn’t See Any Hill!”
- “I’m Not Unemployed… I’m a Consultant”
- “All I Ask Is That You Try Me “
- “Goodbye Tension… Hello Pension”
Author: admin
He gets a Thermos
There was two people working in a coal mine. It was time for lunch so the two people sat down together; one was a West Virginian the other a Virginian. While they were eating lunch, the Virginian pulled out a Thermos.
“What is that?” asked the West Virginian.
“A Thermos,” said the Virginian.
“What is it used for?” asked the West Virginian.
“It is used to store hot stuff in it and cold stuff in it,” said the Virginian.
“I’m going to get me one,” said the West Virginian.
So the next week when the West Virginian and the Virginian ate lunch together the West Virginian pulled out a Thermos.
“What’s in the Thermos?” asked the Virginian.
“A hot dog and a Popsicle,” said the West Virginian.
Barker’s Proof: Proofreading is
Barker’s Proof: Proofreading is more effective after publication.
Warning: Ignore the parrot!
On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.
He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, “And get me a whisky, you cow!”
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another whisky you witch!”
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or I’ll kick your ass!”
Suddenly, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.
Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says…
“For someone who can’t fly, you sure are a ballsy bastard!”
>>>Small Joke<<<
…So then the toothbrush says to the toiletpaper “I got the
worst job in the world”
Someone died playing golf
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. “Bad day at the course?” his wife asked. “Everything was going fine,” he said. “Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee.” “Oh, that’s awful!” “You’re not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry.”
If you want a nice man go for a bald one….
If you want a nice man go for a bald one. They try harder.
I’m not as dumb as
I’m not as dumb as you look.
Imagination
Mathematics is made of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs and 50 percent
imagination.
Brothers
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the day when we drank together.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no,” he says, “everyone’s fine. I’ve just quit drinking.”
Have you heard the one about the . . . ….
Have you heard the one about the . . . .
. . . recent survey on cigarettes which found that 90 per cent of the men
that
tried Camels still prefer women.
A Good Man?
The old man had passed on. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, “Can you go up there and take a look in the coffin, to check if that is your pa inside.”