Q. How do you say 69 in Chinese?
A. Twocanchew (two can chew).
Author: admin
Ford Cars -vs- Golf Balls
What’s the difference between a Ford and a golf ball?
You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.
Sex in the city
once upon a time these people were having sex and the women goes i feel something weird goin up my ass. the man goes i wonder what that could be then she hears a grunt what was that she says just workin my way up.
Stop that
One day little Johnny was in class when the teacher let go of a ripper of a fart.
She then turns around and blames it on Johnny and says, “Johnny stop that!”
Johnny then jumps onto his desk and says, “Which way did it go?”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Polish Air Disaster
First, we want to apologize to our Polish friends, but remember
it’s just a joke!
Polands’s Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater
Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in
central Poland.
Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far
and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the
evening.
Drunk Driving Test
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He
walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the
wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He said, ‘I’m going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine
if you are under the influence of alcohol.’ She blew up the
balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple
of minutes, he returned to her car and said, ‘It looks like
you’ve had a couple of stiff ones.’
She replied, ‘You mean it shows that, too?’
Microsoft God
Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God Himself. The new product would be named, predictably enough, Microsoft God,” and would be available to consumers sometime in late 1998. Too many people feel separated from God in today’s world,” said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft’s new Religions division.
“Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with.” The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including:
Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah.
Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server.
Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning curve.
Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to transfer their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product will erase itself from the user’s system and establish a clear line of secure communications to the user’s Microsoft God server.
Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complimentary products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the functionality of the Microsoft God server product by providing a customized user interface. These interfaces will be based on popular religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new God product in much the same way as the previous version. This line is expected to include Microsoft Christianity, Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc.
Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is planning to release a competing product, Netscape Satanism, that would attempt to render Microsoft God installations inoperable.
Beethoven’s Ninth
A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing
Beethoven’s Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims…
At this point, you must understand two things:
(1)There’s a long segment in this symphony where the bass
violins don’t have a thing to do. Not a single note for page
after page.
(2)There used to be a tavern called Dez’s 400 right across the
street from the Seattle Opera house, rather favored by the local
musicians.
It had been decieded that during this performance, after the
bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth,
they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the
stage rather than sitting on their stools looking and feeling
dumb for twenty minutes.
Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested they trot
across the street and quaff a few beers. After they downed the
first couple of rounds, one said, “Shouldn’t we be getting back?
It would be awfully embarrassing if we were late.”
Another, presumably the one who suggested this excersion in the
first place, replied, “Oh I anticipated that we would need a
little more time, so I tied the last few pages of the
conductor’s score together. When he gets down to there, Milton’s
going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the
baton in one hand and fumble with the string with the other.”
So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera
House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on
stage, one look at their conductor’s face told them they were in
serious trouble.
Katims was furious! And why not? After all…
It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the
basses were loaded!
Masturbation contest
Q. Who’s the world’s greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.
The Soldier
Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. Well, one day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, “Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open.”
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.
Calling her in, he asked, “By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?”
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, “Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.”
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted. Re-boot Washington?…
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted. Re-boot Washington?(Y/N)[Y]
Jewish Mother Joke
And it came to pass that an openly Jewish man was elected to be President of the United States of America.So he calls his mother in Queens and invites her to come down to Washington DC to share the Passover Holliday.She says, ‘I’d like to, but it’s so much trouble… I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Blvd…’He replies, ‘Mom! I’m the President! You won’t need a cab; I’ll send a limo for you!’To which his mother replies, ‘I know, but then I’ll have to get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle… it’s just too much trouble.’He replies, ‘Mom! I’m the President of the United States! I’ll send Air Force One or another of my private jets for you.To which she replies, ‘Oh, well, but then when we land, I’ll have to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab… it’s really too much trouble.’He replies, ‘Mom!! I’m the President! I’ll send a helicopter for you! You won’t have to lift a finger’She answers, ‘Yes, that’s nice… but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don’t like the rooms…’He answers, ‘Mom! I’m the President! You’ll stay at the White House!’She responds, ‘Well… all right… I guess I’ll come.’ The next day, she’s on the phone with her friend Betty.Betty: ‘Hello, Sylvia . . . so what’s new?’Sylvia: ‘I’m visiting my son for Passover!’ Betty: ‘The doctor?’Sylvia: ‘No . . . the other one.’